Wasted Efforts or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog

Lost Thoughts: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being a Spazamatic

2010-03-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit obsessed with Lost. I came come to grips with my addictions. I've forced Lost references into far too many music reviews since season six began. Beyond that I have friends who constantly feed me endless theories that make equal parts sense (Jacob and Smokey are protectors of the holy grail) and equal parts nonsense (Smokey is a genie! That's why he's smoke!). Those rambling post episode viewing theory threads coupled with the Doc Jensen's next day recaps (rants) usually leave my brain reeling...that is until each Tuesday when I'm given 42 more minutes of solid concrete storytelling with some answers peppered in for good measure. You see we Lost fans crave answers. It's in our nature. If the theories are well thought out we're willing to accept them until the show proves them to be right or wrong. This past week as I watched Smoke Locke tell Kate a portion of his past I felt like i finally figured out Lost. I was positive the "crazy mother Smoke Locke referenced was Daniel Farraday's mother...but how would I ever prove it? I was sure it was an impossible task...but then i saw this tweet by Damon Lindeflof.

It was my finally my chance to get the answers I'd been looking for. During the Q and A they were real secretive if anyone asked about future plot lines. Rightfully so for a show that's livelihood is banked on secrets, reveals, and red herrings it behooves them to play things close to the vest. I get that. Knowing that this event was being recorded for their podcast I hatched a plan to hit them up for intel off the record during the post session meet and greet. Surely I could get them to tip me off to my most recent theory: The Man in black is actually a time lost version of Daniel Farraday. Now that I've typed it out again it sounds ridiculous but Tuesday's episode "Recon" had me confidant that I was on the right path. I just needed some reassurance. Reassurance and maybe a photo op.

quick sidebar: I hate La for the Hollywood scene. I don't get starstruck when I see celeberties shopping for overpriced baguettes at Whole foods......but here is my list of people that I will become a total fanboy for:

5: Chuck Klosterman

4: Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr Beldling

3. Larry David

2. Ricky Gervais

1 Jerry Seinfeld.

Somewhere out on the fringe of this list are Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof. I was not star struck but I am appreciative of the 100+ hours of compelling tv that they've produced. Plus I figured a picture would offer me the best chance at getting info out of them. I'd catch them with their guard down

Sadly I blew it. I blew it hard.

As we waited for the Apple employee to take our picture (I'm sure the apple employee was super psyched to act as everyones defacto cameraman. I love being able to suck the wind out of their smug sails) I confidently said "In the episode 'Recon' Smoke Locke, when speaking with Kate, references his past and his crazy mother Now listen i know you can't answer with a definitive yes or no but just blink if we've met his mom in a past episode...". A genius well crafted question I thought....but i forgot to say "blink twice". Damon well aware of this said "you know eventually I'll have to blink....". Realizing my error i hastily tried to pull a Frank Drebin and said "Exactly! you just answered my question!" Carlton Cuse was cool and said "you asked the question in a way we'd have to answer" to which I'm pretty sure I heard Damon mutter "yeah, real nice question" under his breath.... but I couldn't be sure because I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

God help me if I ever run into Marissa Miller or Jessica Alba. I'd probably end up sounding somethng like this:

Oscar Watch: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Hollywood Circle Jerks.

2010-02-04T11:42:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a friend's incessant pestering I give you the 2010 Oscar Pick Ems. It is a well known fact that gambling makes everything better. For $5 you'll finally have a reason to pay attention when they're announcing the Best Sound Mixing winner. $5 and some movie knowledge gets you in the running towards 1/2 the prize. The other 1/2 goes to Hope For Haiti Now.

Submit your form here and $5 via paypal to rynneb@hotmail.com

If you are having difficulty viewing the full names on this page follow this link to the form: 2010 Oscars

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Karma Police: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Regret

2010-01-30T17:50:00.000-08:00

Dear person ahead of me at the Geek Squad desk @ the Best Buy in Westwood with the virus soaked Sony Vaio laptop,

I overheard your conversation and I was utterly disgusted with what the Geek Squad was suggesting to do to fix your critical virus issue ("have you considered buying a new laptop?"). What I wanted to yell was "For the love of god do not pay the $350+ they are asking for to 'restore the OS'"..and please ignore the additional $85 to "try" and first clear the viruses. I'd hope that the "we'll try..but it won't work" instilled the proper level of confidence in their quality of service. I know I should have acted sooner and stopped you before you left the store (in tears?) and offered my skills for karma's sake...but I wanted to make sure my sub-woofer got checked in before I crossed the line w/ the Geek Squad jerks. They can be quite petty when you overstep them. Selfish, I know...but I need the bass ready for the premiere of Lost on Tuesday. I'm sure you can understand. Please know I immediately regretted my feckless behavior. In an effort to right the karma ship I made an excuse to step out to the parking lot to track you down. Sadly by that time you had jetted off in full Verbal Knit/Keyser Soze mode and I was a lost and dejected Agent Kujan.

Please accept my deepest apologies and if you read this I'll fix you up for free.

The Ipod wants to be BIG: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Useless Producuts

2010-01-27T12:28:00.000-08:00

Overheard in the R&D room

Josh: There's this flat screen inside with pictures on it and you read it. And when you get down to the bottom you have to make a choice of what the character's going to do....Like if he's going to go in and fight the dragon then you have to push one of the buttons.

Paul: Excuse me

Josh: Paul

Paul: I don't get it.

Josh: Well it's a giant IPod Touch..

Susan: See, there's a computer chip which stores the choices, so when you reach the end of the page, you decide where the story goes. That's the point.

Paul: ...but there's no SD slot, no USB ports, no camera and it doesn't support Flash

Josh: Well there's a camera connector kit that you can buy...

Paul: So I have to carry around extra stuff to get pictures on my "IPAD"?

Josh: Umm...you can get IWorks...

Paul : but no multi-tasking!? I don't get it.

Josh: I'll be right back (runs out of the room)

LATER THAT NIGHT

The Top 100+ of the 2000s: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying about Y2K and Have Serious Problems

2009-12-02T17:38:00.001-08:00

t's sad how long it took me to come up with this list...but I was trying my best to get it down to the socially acceptable round number of 100. I failed obviously. As i sat at 107 I decided that if i wretched it up to 110 maybe no one would notice...or maybe they'd think it was a clever numbering cue as we are headed into '10. 'Fraid not folks, I'm just that indecisive and noncommittal

Having said that...

110 Andrew W.K. - I Get Wet

I Get Wet (2001) is the major-label debut album from solo artist Andrew W.K.. It is noted for its controversial artwork as well as its hit singles "Party Hard" and "She Is Beautiful". The album is great partying music...especially if you still chug beers and smash them on your forehead. Still? Great.

109 Crystal Castles - Crystal Castles
Crystal Castles (2001) is the first full-length LP by Toronto-based duo Crystal Castles. They've been described as "the kind of music that you just want to follow like a cult, or hate, with every fibre of your being". People tend to lean towards the hate because I've heard nothing but horror stories about lead singer, Alice Glass. The funny thing is it makes me like them more...but I guess that's because I have a type. I'm attracted to crazy chicks. True story.

108 DangerDoom - The Mouse and the Mask
The Mouse and the Mask (2005) is a collaboration album by Danger Mouse and MF Doom under the name Danger Doom. The album is composed almost entirely of raps by MF Doom, performed over beats created by Danger Mouse sampling music from various television shows airing on Cartoon Network's programming block Adult Swim.

107 The Darkness - Permission to Land

Permission to Land (2003) is the debut studio album by English hard rock band The Darkness. In 2003 there was no escaping the novelty of "I Believe in a Thing Called Love"...and if you did escape it you missed out on a helluva album. Seriously. For those of you looking for a new fix of The Darkness go check out Justin Hawkins' new band, Hot Leg

106 50 Cent - Get Rich or Die Tryin'
Get Rich or Die Tryin' (2003) is the commercial debut studio album by New York City rapper 50 Cent. You some times forget that this Vitamin Water rapper once brought us the best club banger ever. However, In hindsight, I'm thinking that Dr Dre deserved all the credit.

105 The Roots - Phrenology
Phrenology (2002) is the fifth studio album by American hip hop band The Roots aka Jimmy Fallon's house band. I read somewhere that they played Beck's "Loser" when Spencer Pratt was introduced as a guest. For that alone they probably deserve a higher ranking.

104 Wilco - A Ghost is Born

A Ghost Is Born (2004) is the fifth studio album by Chicago-based experimental rock band Wilco. This is their first album after the departure of Jay Bennett (RIP).

103 Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
Vampire Weekend (2008) is the debut album by American indie rock band Vampire Weekend. The album was self-produced, with contributions from Jeff Curtin and Shane Stoneback. I wanted to hate it, but I couldn't. I blame Chromeo and their remix of "The Kids Don't Stand a Chance"

102 Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

Veckatimest (2009) is the third full-length studio album by indie rock band Grizzly Bear. The album is named after a small island in Dukes County, Massachusetts. They're Jay-Z's favorite indie rock band. Nuff said.

101 Teenagers - Reality Check
Reality Check (2008) is the debut album by French synthpop band The Teenagers. If I were making a remake of "Can't Hardly Wait" I'd definitely make sure that the 2010 version of Amanda entered her first scene to the opening twenty-two seconds of "French Kiss".

100 At the Drive In -Relationship of Command

Relationship of Command (2000) is the third and final studio album by post-hardcore band, At the Drive-In . Sadly the band broke up and half became Sparta, a band I wasn't supposed to like but I kind of did, and the other half became The Mars Volta, a band I was supposed to like but I really didn't. If it were up to me back in 2001 I'd have forced them to stay together...you know, for the kids sake. Will someone please think about the children! ! All that pent up rage would have made for even better At the Drive in albums. They blew it! At least they got two Christmases out of it instead of awkward silences at the dinner table and a parent sleeping on the couch.

99 Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not
Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not (2006) is the debut album by English band Arctic Monkeys. Undaunted by the nonsensical Strokes comparisons and the unnecessary over hyping by NME (they of course ranked this album #4 for the decade) the band persevered through the inevitable post hype backlash and nicely filled the gap left behind by the Libertines.

98 Deathcab for Cutie -Transatlanticism

Transatlanticism (2003) is is the fourth studio album by Death Cab for Cutie. The eponymous track was featured in the only scene from Six Feet Under that didn't make me want to chase 100 sleeping pills with some Drano. Week after week that show was Gut Punch City, Population: The Fishers. DeathCab was able to recreate the magic behind Transatlanticism again this past Fourth of July @ The Hollywood Bowl with the help of the LA Philharmonic and some fireworks. I'm told it was a life altering event. Sadly I passed on a ticket and had arguably the worst Fourth of July in the history of Fourth of Julys. Note: Don't harmlessly "air bang" a girl if you don't know the girl's boyfriend....and said boyfriend has a chip on his shoulder...and a ponytail. Chances are he won't have a sense of humor.

97 Lil Wayne - Tha Carter III
Tha Carter III (2008) is the sixth studio album by American hip hop rapper Lil Wayne. If this were a countdown about album covers you wouldn't be seeing this album till the very end. You really can't beat a baby, suited up, with some face tats and a pinkie ring. I suppose if you put a chimpanzee riding a segway on the cover you might come close. It's too bad the brainless track "Lollipop" was the lead single. The rest of the album is very much the opposite of that track. I just don't get rap sometimes because "Tie My Hands" and "Shoot Me Down" seem like far superior songs to "Lollipop". I'm guessing it didn't scare too many people away since it was the number one selling album of 2008.

96 Phoenix - It's Never Been Like That

It's Never Been Like That (2006) is the third studio album by French alternative rock band Phoenix. Yep. They're French. Who Knew. Why is it that when they sing there's no accent. At all. Get those same people in an interview and BOOM it's Jacque Cousteau time. I'll never understand this. It doesn't matter. With such catchy songs like the ones here no one wants to hear them talk. This album really put Phoenix on the map and was the precursor to what was to come in 2009.

95 Kings of Leon - Only By The Night
Only by the Night (2008) is the fourth studio album by American rock band Kings of Leon. Yes, this is a damn catchy album but they're a hard band to root for. When they struggled gaining an American audience with their previous releases they bitched about how the English listeners were far more informed and hip to developing sounds. Of course the minute they got popular here in their home country they proceeded to bash every frat boy who got dragged to one of their arena shows by his girlfriend who wanted to belt out "Sex on Fire". You reap what you sow, Followills. You reap what you sow. If you haven't tired of "Use Somebody" yet check out the RAC Remix.

94 Gorillaz - Gorillaz
Gorillaz (2001) is the self-titled debut album by "virtual" band, Gorillaz. This album sold over seven million copies and it earned them an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records as the Most Successful Virtual Band. Who exactly are they beating? Alvin and the Chipmunks? Seriously is there a more ridiculous waste of time than The Guinness Book of Records? Oh Yeah, the Grammys.

93 Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga
Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga (2007) is the sixth studio album by Austin, Texas indie rock band Spoon. This album is home to "The Underdog" aka the most used soundtrack song that you've never heard. It's been used in "Chuck", "I Love You Man", "How I Met Your Mother" and "17 Again"....or so I hear. I swear.

92 The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fever to Tell

Fever to Tell (2003) is the debut album by Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Who in 2003 would have thought the love song of the decade would come from these three NY geeks. "Maps" became an instant classic and Fever to Tell showed everyone that a band could have a female front woman who matched the low fi scuzzed in your face sound that the instruments were producing.

91 The Knife - Deep Cuts
Deep Cuts (2006) is the second full-length album from Swedish electropop duo The Knife. The brother and sister duo of The Knife have listed David Lynch, Aki Kaurismäki, Korean cinema, Trailer Park Boys, Donnie Darko, and Doom as inspirations for their work. That really doesn't tell you much besides explaining some of the hidden incestuous undertones prevalent in this album. That however didn't seem to frighten Grammi voters as they swept the awards in 2007. Nope that's not a typo. The Swedes have annual music awards named The Grammis. Goofy, I know.

90 Kanye West - Graduation
Graduation (2007) is the third studio album by hip hop artist Kanye West. Kanye's Pet Sounds? That might be pushing it but at the time it was refreshing to see an artist change his sound, even though his sound was clearly market tested and widely popular. Inspired by U2 to make more inspirational, anthemic rap music, West incorporated synthesizer into his production and dabbled with electronic music while sampling a wide spectrum of musical genres and artists. As someone who haas loved Daft Punk since "Da Funk" it was fun to see them, with the help of Kanye, garner fans from a new demographic. Nothing was funnier to me than sitting in traffic and hearing samples from "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" blasting from fellow motorists. Thanks to Kanye, Daft Punk made their first ever live televised appearance in 2008 at the Grammys. If putting up with Kanye West's jerk antics is what it will take for these kinds of things to happen I'm all for him drop kicking Taylor Swift at the Grammys next year.

89 Ghostface Killa - Supreme Clientele
Supreme Clientele (2000) is the second album by Wu-Tang Clan member Ghostface Killah. This barely made the list - not because it isn't awesome (because it is) but because if not for a stint in the clink this would have been released in the 90s. Smart move because he would have been behind Ol' Dirty Bastard (Return to the 36 Chambers) and the Gza (Liquid Swords) on the top 100 of the 90's list. He was Innocent I say! Getting locked up was strictly a marketing ploy by Ghost Face - nobody wants to be the third best Wu Tanger.

88 Justice - Cross

†, alternatively known as Cross (2007), is the debut album of the French duo Justice. Like Daft Punk, this Euro electro house dance duo crossed over into the mainstream, but there journey wasn't aided by Kanye's Midas touch. No, Justice did it with an additively hypnotic video for their lead single, D.A.N.C.E. (an ode to Michael Jackson in 2007 - how visionary) and an amazing live show. I saw them at the Detourfest in 2007 and was blown away by how two unassuming french dudes chain smoking cigarettes and looking generally disinterested could totally enthrall an audience. My mother chain smokes and I've never found her to be all that exciting but it worked for Justice. People lost their minds at that show. Maybe my mom should try remixing MGMT.

87 Cat Power - The Greatest
The Greatest (2006) is the seventh studio album by indie rock artist Chan Marshall, a.k.a Cat Power. Cat Power roped me into her music by 1) being crazy (like i said - I have a type) and 2) releasing some amazing covers - Sonic Youth's "Psychic Hearts", the Velevet Undergrounds "I Found A Reason" and Oasis' "Wonderwall" - a version that trumps both the original and the stellar Ryan Adams version. I'm a sucker for covers. Once she had me enthralled by her covers she released "The Greatest, an album of beautiful original material. Then she really tried to win my heart by canceling the album's support tour and admitted herself to Miami's Mount Sinai Medical Center -- the result of a breakdown.

86 Miike Snow - Miike Snow
Miike Snow (2009)is the eponymous debut album from Miike Snow. The Guardian spoke highly of this band, saying Miike Snow's "coolly emotional pop suggests A-Ha meets Animal Collective." Can you think of a better compliment than that? I certainly can't. Amazingly enough these Swedes are the same guys who wrote Britney Spears' "Toxic" and produced Madonna, Kelis and Jennifer Lopez. That mention in passing is the closed any of those artists will come to sniffing this list.

85 Girls - Album

Album (2009)is the debut album by the indie rock band Girls and home to my favorite song of 2009 - "Lust for Life". Honestly I'd like to rank this even higher but I'm a realist. I'm quite aware that I'm so in love with "Album" that there hasn't been enough time for me to take a step back and look at it objectively as a historian.

84 Ween -White Pepper
White Pepper (2000) is Ween's seventh full-length album. When most people think of Ween they think of the annoying jerks belting out "Push Th Lil' Little Daises" and that's too bad because White Pepper is a phenomenal record. This album is more polished and radio friendly than your typical Ween record. Funny, I wouldn't have known it's awesomeness if it hadn't been for an ex-girlfriend who forced it down my ear throat. That girl and I, we had our differences. Mainly I wasn't a fan of her stance on crying in public - she was for it. Huge advocate of it actually. It ended up not working out between us... but she gave me White Pepper so it was a positive experience in my eyes.

83 Daft Punk - Discovery

Discovery (2001) is the second studio album by the French house duo Daft Punk. I remember going to the CD store (does anyone still do that?) the Tuesday this album came out and being quite disappointed on its initial spin in my discman. It was a huge change of style and pace from their debut album that i knew and loved. Didn't they know I feared change? It sat on my bookshelf and taunted me for weeks. I felt obligated to give it a few chances again as I did spend $15.99 on it. I eventually came around to it after countless listens to "Aerodynamic" and "Digital Love". By writing this I realized how different of a world we live in now. 2009 Del wouldn't think twice about disposing of an album that didn't strike his fancy right away simply because there's nothing tangible reminding him of his mistake. Once that mp3 hits my external hard drive I could very well never come across it again.

82 Zwan - Mary Star of the Sea
Mary Star of the Sea (2003) is Zwan's only album. The Billy Corgan led Smashing Pumpkins were one of the most popular bands of the 90s and in 2003 the Billy Corgan led Zwan were set to be one of the most popular bands of the 2000s. It never happened. Seven months after this album was released the band broke up. In the years following the breakup, Corgan would try to explain why Zwan fell apart so quickly. He blamed egos (not his obviously), accusations of sex acts between band members in public. people carrying drugs across borders, and people in the band sleeping with the producer's girlfriend while they were making the album. This sounds like standard stuff to me, Billy. It's pretty much people acting like they're a frigging rock band. Grow a pair. After that didn't get people on Team Corgan he felt the need to elaborate:

Sex and drugs and junk. Tick off the list: heroin, band members having relationships...You don't trust the person next to you. I'm on the bus. I send an email to somebody and I throw my BlackBerry in my little day bag. The next day, my ex-girlfriend calls me screaming. Somebody in the group went into my BlackBerry and forwarded her an e-mail that another girl sends me. I mean, that's the kind of stuff we were dealing with.

I'm shocked that this petty cattiness hasn't been turned into a pilot for the CW yet. Let's make it happen! The beauty of the idea is the whole season could feature songs from this album. "Mary Star of the Sea" deserves a second life!

81 The Dirty Projectors - Bitte Orca

Bitte Orca (2009) is a studio album by experimental rock band Dirty Projectors, The sound on "Bitte Orca", highlighted by male/female call and response vocals layered over jangly guitars and constant tempo changes, is oddly accessible...or I suppose I should say is, all things considered, SURPRISINGLY accessible for a band whose last two albums were:

The Getty Address, a gibberish infused "noise opera"concept album about a suicidal Don Henley, oil, ancient Mexico, and post-9/11 America

"Rise Above", an album of Black Flag songs as re imagined from memory, fifteen years after listening to it.

Yeah, they think they're pretty damn clever. That didn't stop them from winning over David Byrne. If you're OK in his book, you're OK in mine. Their collaboration was the lead track, and one of the many stand outs on the "Dark Was The Night" compilation, and it appears to have paid off for the band's growth structurally and sonically....or maybe its because they stopped trying to scare people off by being too clever for their own good.

80 Belle and Sebastian - The Life Pursuit
The Life Pursuit (2006) is the seventh album by Belle & Sebastian. This happens to be B&S's most successful release to date...and it peaked at 65 on the US Charts. How did an album this good get so widely ignored while bands like P.O.D and YellowCard were burning up the charts at the same time? Less YellowCard and more Belle and Sebastian makes the world a better place.

79 White Denim -Workout Holiday

Workout Holiday (2007) is the second release for Austin, Texas-based rock trio White Denim, consisting of nine self-recorded songs. Also known as the "Tour EP". I saw them perform most of this album at Spaceland on April Fools Day and it was no joke. They were throwing down loose grooves that actually had the hipster crowds of Silverlake bouncing around. That takes skills. Even more skill is needed to get me to move. They pulled it off...much to the horror of everyone around me.

78 Sigur Ros - Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust
Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust (2008) is the fifth full-length studio album by the Icelandic band Sigur Rós, The title translated in English is "With a Buzz in Our Ears We Play Endlessly" which pretty much describes their sound to a T. Knowing that they can sometimes be a bit unaccessible the band made a conscious effort to shorten the track lengths and to sing, for the first time ever, entirely in English. Clearly their transformation into the Ramones didn't stick when you hear this album but they did manage to nail down one track in English (All Alright) and all the songs here are shorter than "Stairway to Heaven" so you can't say they're not trying.

77 Muse - The Resistance

The Resistance (2009) is the fifth studio album by English alternative rock band Muse. If you've listened to the lead single "The United States of Eurasia" than you'll know that there is bit of a Queen influence in this album.   Beyond that though there seems to be an endless amount of pomp and piano codas. Hardly a bad thing. The album is a quite a change from what you'd expect from Muse...especially when you get to "Exogenesis".   In a way I'm contradicting myself because Exogenesis parts 1-3 are standard Muse tracks, bombastic guitar pitch shifts with soaring falsetto vocals, but the band married them to classical pianos and a full orchestra to give them even more of a sense of urgency and power. This space rock song is split in to three parts, or movements (for you classical music snobs), entitled "Overture", "Cross Pollination" and "Redemption" spanning 13 minutes in total telling the story of mankind leaving the destructive planet we’ve created for ourselves, and going to populate somewhere else in the universe.

76 Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
Franz Ferdinand (2004) is the debut album by Scottish indie rock band Franz Ferdinand, Who would have thought that dancy garage rock with tons of underlying homo eroticism would be so popular in the less progressive olden days of 2004. Actually I guess not a lot has changed since then, which makes this band's efforts that much more impressive. If Sacha Baron Cohen were to have released an album in the 2000s this would have been it. Michael is just about the most gay song ever recorded...not that there's anything wrong with that.

75 The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan
Get Behind Me Satan (2005) is the fifth album by alternative rock duo The White Stripes. After seeing them live I called Jack White "The Prince of Rock". The people I was with because It sounded like a pretty lame thing to say but I meant The Artist Formerly Known As. There seem to me no limits to the genius behind his songwriting and his showmanship. I guess that makes Meg White Vanity or Appolonia. Whatever her name is she finally got a chance to shine on Passive Manipulation. In true passive manipulation mode Jack let her have a whole thirty-five seconds of solo time. Knowing her issues with anxiety I'm sure that suited her just fine.

74 Girl Talk - The Night Ripper

Night Ripper (2006) is the third album by Girl Talk. Greg Gillis, AKA Girl Talk drifted away from the digital scratching and undesirable samples of his first release, Unstoppable, and instead embraced who he was: The mash up world's god among me. What he does goes so far beyond what other mash up artists were doing. One of his songs will incorporate at least 25 lengthy samples that will not reinvent a track but instead create an entirely new animal. I imagine this is what God felt like when he created the duck billed platypus. I'm sure of it. I just compared Girl Talk to God. Can you feel the rapture coming down upon us? I'm sorry.

73 Sigur Ros - Takk
Takk...(2005) Icelandic for Thanks is the fourth full-length studio album by the band Sigur Rós. I have no idea what they are singing on this album and I don't care. I don't speak icelandic but it doesn't matter. The music spirits you away to a place where there are no language barriers. They could be singing their own personal Icelandic interpretations of Baby Got Back and it would still seem otherworldly and ethereal. An episode of V used a track by them as a soundtrack to a scene that showed Anna, the Vistors leader, using a special chamber to extend a positive, comforting influence, called "bliss", to her kind all over the motherships and on the planet. Someone should have told her she could have used an ipod full of Sigur Ros instead. Aliens, such showboats.

72 Radiohead - Hail to the Thief
Hail to the Thief (2003) is the sixth studio album by English alternative rock band Radiohead. This happens to be their most uneven release...even still it manages to rank pretty high in my eyes.   Perhaps uneven isn't the word I'm looking for. What I meant was disjointed. Going from the back to back seamless concept albums of Kid A and Amnesiac I began to have a certain expectation of the new Radiohead. Of course the minute you get comfortable with Thom Yorke and company they go ahead and switch gears on you. Hail to the Thief plays like a collection of EPs of unreleased material from the two different Radioheads we all know and love: The OK Computer Guitar rockers (see Myxamatosis) and The Electronic Kid A's (see Backdrifts)

71 Various Artists - Dark Was the Night
"Dark Was the Night (2009) is the twentieth compilation release benefiting the Red Hot Organization, an international charity dedicated to raising funds and awareness for HIV and AIDS."   I hated placing a compilation disc on this list, but this double disc album is too good to ignore. This is the lazy mans mixtape. Why take time and energy into culling together your own mixtape when you could have the RHO put together an amazing group of artists. With their cloud they were able to not only get your favorite artists but had them contribute NEW materiel. Even I couldn't pull that off...unless I pulled a Misery/Celtic Pride on a few bands post Spaceland..but that seems like a lot of work and I couldn't';t even know where to begin. Where does one purchase chloroform? These are questions I don't want to have to ask. Instead I let RHO do all the work. By my count there are eleven artists on these discs who are featured on this countdown. Those are the kind of numbers you just can't turn your cheek at.

70 Interpol - Antics

Antics (2004) is the second album by New York City-based indie rock band Interpol. It feels like decades ago that, with the release of "Antics", Interpol was supposed to take the lead in the cluster fuck that was the post punk revival of the early Aughts. It never happened. They'd never see the same success after the solid efforts put forth here and I never understood why. The pained vocals by Paul Banks were still present but I guess there was a little less doom and gloom on this one. Interpol boldly pumped the brakes on the pain game for this release and and with that lost a little bit of who they were

69 Green Day - American Idiot
American Idiot (2004)is the seventh studio album by the American punk rock band Green Day. If long ago you had asked me what band would rise from the ashes of the apathetic and listless 90's and be reborn as the mouthpiece of the Anti Bush America my first guess would have been Nirvana. I could have seen Cobain,growing older, and as a father, turning into an artist who could galvanize the youth of America, politically, and not have it feel forced. He'd simply be doing it to ensure a positive future for Francis Bean and the naked Nevermind baby. Thanks to drugs, guns, and Courtney Love that never happened. My only other guess would have been Rage Against the Machine. The formation of Audioslave stripped all credibility from Tom Morello and company. Damn You Chris Cornell. Who did that leave us with? That's right, Green Day. With albums named after poo and songs about masturbation they were definitely not the most likely of candidates. Against all odds they somehow outgrew their nasal jerk pop punk persona and became the champions of tomorrow's hope and ideals. "American Idiot" was a huge change for them and for many became the soundtrack to the Bush Era.

68 Wu Tang Clan - The W

The W (2000) is the third album by the hip hop group Wu-Tang Clan. After the double disc failures of 97's "Wu Tang Forever" the hip hop avengers form Shaloin came back in a strong way with the W.   Rap in the late 90s seemed obsessed with double disc releases. It was an awful fad.   As much as I love the Wu Tang Clan I couldn't handle the filler heavy 120 minute of Forever. The Wu realized this and cut out all the crap and left us with 59 minutes of streamlined back to the basics Wu Tang bangers.

67 Sigur Ros - ()
( ) (spoken as "Brackets" or "Parentheses") (2002) is the third full-length album from Icelandic band Sigur Rós. This album's lack of a title or track names is the perfect Sigur Ros entry in the catalog of their albums. This album's total lack of identity is the very essence of who this band is...or what they are to us, as non Icelandic music listeners. They are truly what we make of them. What are moods are and what wee see fit for them to say to us....and in the end that is the real message musicians are trying to deliver to us.

66 Band of Horses- Everything All the Time
Everything All the Time (2006) is the debut album of indie rock band Band of Horses. When this album was released I constantly confused the band with the Kings of Leon and My Morning Jacket. Mind you I did this without hearing a note of their music. For some reason their moniker reminded me of the other two bands. They seemed interchangeable. I felt like I could maybe pop any of those three artists in my stereo, throw on some wranglers, and drink some moonshine in a hip southern town. As it would turn out I wasn't far off...but I was floored by what I'd here in the chilling opening echo-y howls in "The Funeral". After listening to that track I never confused them with anyone else ever again.

65 Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova - Once OST
Once (2007) is the soundtrack to the film of the same name recorded by Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová. For anyone who still hasn't seen this movie go out and rent it. Experiencing the songs first in the organic manner in which they are presented in this movie helps capture that raw and personal feeling that will last well after the movie is over. After I saw the move I had the soundtrack in my car for a solid three weeks. The storybook ending of the two leads falling in love during the making of the film is now ancient history as they have recently announced their break up. Now they're just a failed relationship between a creepy 37 year old and a 19 yr old clearly with daddy issues. That doesn't change the fact that they made a beautiful film and an equally beautiful soundtrack.

64 The Wrens - The Meadowlands

The Meadowlands (2003) the third studio album by The Wrens. If i had to go out on a limb I'd guess that this is the least popular album on the list...and that my friends is a travesty. Perhaps people don't respond well to defeatist rock by I did. Still do. The struggles of the band and the seven years this took to release is palpable from track to track. They sounded as if they were at their wits end..and at times like those you have nothing to lose. They left their steaming bloody carcasses on this album for our amusement. Are you not Entertained? This year they've triumphantly returned and set forth on a Meadowlands tour to celebrate their twenty anniversary as a band. They're the indie rock version's of Anvil. Don't believe me? Read their bio here.

63 The Go! Team - Thunder, Lightning, Strike
Thunder, Lightning, Strike (2004) is the debut album by The Go! Team. This band was solely the brainchild of Ian Parton, He wanted to mash his favorite things including Sonic Youth-style guitars, double dutch chants, and movie car chase music into one full sound experience. .He started jamming these sounds together and eventually recorded Thunder, Lightning, Strike in his parents' kitchen. This led to the recruitment of a full band and a vocalist named "Ninja" to tour with them. I saw a show of theirs after the release of this album and it was exactly the sound that Ian Patton was looking to accomplish.

62 Coconut Records - Davy
Davy is Coconut Records' (aka Jason Schwartzman) 2009 sophomore release. Have you ever watched "Slackers" and thought to yourself "Cool Ethan sure is badass...but you know what would make him REALLY badass? If you added some steel drums and maybe a glockenspiel."Done. Whoever said actors shouldn't try and be musicians hasn't listened to "Davy"...or Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time".    Judging from the tight hooky tracks on Davy, Max Fisher finally found his niche. What makes Coconut Records efforts that much more impressive is that Schwartzman did this all by himself. Eddie Murphy had an assist form hit machine and cocaine lover, Rick James. Advantage: Schwartsman.

61 Muse - Absolution

Absolution (2003 ) is the third studio album by English alternative rock band Muse. From the very onset of the jangling piano keys of Apocalypse Please there is a sense of panic and urgency that runs throughout this album. When they sing that "Time is Running Out" you really believe them!   Knowing this and feeling sympathetic Muse gave the listener a reprieve with "Falling Away With You" and "Interlude". After that it is straight back to cranking up fear and paranoia with "Hysteria".   If one album needs to go into a time capsule to capture the general sentiment of 2003 this is it. Fear and mistrust was prevalent. We led the world into a war with questionable intentions and an unforeseeable outcome. Absolution does a great job of expressing that hopeless feeling. Quite a hefty album for a band many unfairly labeled as a Radiohead knock off. This is everything that "Hail to the Thief" wanted to be and more.

60 Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream
59 Albert Hammond JR - Yours to Keep
58 Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Love Bad News
57 Outkast - Speakerboxx / The Love Below
56 The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
55 Explosions in the Sky - The Earth is Not a Cold Dead Place
54 Yo La Tengo - I'm Not Afraid of You and I'll Beat Your Ass In
53 Kayne West - The College Dropout
52 Broken Social Scene - Broken Social Scene
51 Brian Wilson - Smile

50 Grandaddy - Sumday
49 Passion Pit - Chunk of Change
48 Raphael Saadiq - The Way I See It
47 Killers - Hot Fuss
46 The Libertines - Up the Bracket
45 The Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free
44 The National - Alligator
43 Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion
42 Danger Mouse - The Grey Album
41 Queens of the Stone Age - Songs For the Deaf

40 MGMT - Oracular Spectacular
39 Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP
38 Okkervil River Black - Sheep Boy
37 Bloc Party - Silent Alarm
36 Radiohead – Amnesiac
35 Belle & Sebastian - Dear Catastrophe Waitress
34 The Hold Steady - Stay Positive
33 Battles - Mirrored
32 Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
31 Outkast - Stankonia

30 Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
29 Jay-Z - The Blueprint
28 Girl Talk - Feed the Animals
27 Stars - Set Yourself on Fire
26 Johnny Cash - American III
25 The Postal Service - Give Up
24 M83 - Saturdays = Youth
23 The National - Boxer
22 Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam
21 The Antlers – Hospice

20 LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver
19 Explosions in the Sky - All if a Sudden I Miss Everyone
18 The Decemberists - The Crane Wife
17 The Hold Steady - The Boys and Girls in America
16 Kanye West - Late Registrations
15 The White Stripes - White Blood Cells
14 The Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
13 TV on the Radio - Return to Cookie Mountain
12 The Strokes - Is This It?
11 Radiohead - In Rainbows

10 Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
9 TV on the Radio - Dear, Science
8 The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
7 The Avalanches - Since I left you
6 Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights
5 M83 - Before the Dawn Heals Us
4 Beck - Sea Change
3 The Arcade Fire - Funeral
2 Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
1 Radiohead - Kid A

Album of the Year by The Antlers: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Become Obsessed

2009-08-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

The Antlers - Hospice
(10/10)

This intimate yet grandiose album tells the story of a grief stricken nurse assigned to take care of a young girl who is terminally ill with cancer. Just to make sure that wasn't sad enough they also manage to throw in a song about abortion. This album makes Ben Folds' "Brick" sound like "The Thong Song." Sounds like a party doesn't it? I've literally listened to nothing else but it all day. I've tried to move on but I find myself transfixed by it. Hospice hardly contains the party starter subject matter of a "Feed the Animals" but it is as good, if not better. I know that's a bold statement, especially coming from me, but something about this CD grabs hold of you and squeezes feelings out of you...whether you want it to or not. I'm guessing this is what I was supposed to feel when everyone raved about that Grizzly Bear CD. NPR has named it the best album of the year so far and I'm pretty sure I agree with them. My obsession with that album got so bad that I actually took my noise canceling Bose headphones to listen to it while I went to sleep. To be fair it was also partly because I didn't want to hear my neighbor's awkward sex noises anymore. I need to stop. I don't want to over hype this more than I already have. I tend to do that to people. No one will ever appreciate an Apple Pan burger now because of how many times I've raved about them. Consider this a steak burger.

OK, No more typing for me, just go ahead and buy it and find out for yourself what I've already learned: The Antlers made a heart wrenchingly beautiful album.

NY, go check them out on the 21st.

Track: The Antlers - Bear

Grab em:

New York Hospitals EP (2008)
Download (free)

Cold War EP (2007)
Download (free)

Beatles for Sale: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Be Indecisive

2009-08-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

We are officially less than one month away from 09/09/09 AKA the release date for The Beatles Rockband. I'm beyond excited about this. My neighbors, not so much. For some reason they don't like our Post SM Pier concert jam sessions. Perhaps its because we haven't yet had the chance to harmonize three vocal tracks at once. They're going to be in for such a treat soon. The people at Harmonix really did a top notch job with all the animations in this one. I would definitely watch a full movie in the style of the Beatles Rockband Trailer, Those 2 mins and 48 seconds are a 1000 times more fun and inventive than the torture that was "Across the Universe". I was crushed when I saw that movie. I had no idea it was going to be, how can i put it nicely, so "showy". (not that there's anything wrong with that).

To celebrate the game I'm going to attempt to pepper this blog with some Beatles flavor.

My first selection is Revolver. It's impossible to not start with Revolver, home to the greatest Beatles song of all time: Eleanor Rigby. I was struck by the beauty and pain that it invoked. At the time I was reading Dicken's Great Expectations (ah High School reading) and I saw parallels to Miss Havisham . Probably an obvious correlation for most but for a guy who had not to long ago gotten Vanilla Ice's cd as a confirmation gift this was a revelation.

I know I LIT-TRA-LEE called just called "Eleanor Rigby" the best Beatles song ever, but I may have jumped the gun...even though I've had countless years to formulate my answer. While listening to Rubber Soul its impossible for me to not place Rubber Soul's "Norwegian Wood" right up there with Rigby.

Not only is it a great song but it was the first Beatles track to use sitar and it has a nice Lennon anecdote behind the songs meaning. Lennon said of the song:

"I was trying to write about an affair, so it was very gobbledegooky. I was trying to write about an affair without letting my wife know I was having one. I was sort of writing from my experiences ... girls' flats, things like that.

Coded messages about two timing on your wife. Ballsy. No wonder he never changed his Facebook status to "in a relationship". Dude wanted to play the field!. Contrary to those statements, during a press conference back in 66 in LA this is what they had to say about the song:

Reporter: In a recent article, Time magazine put down pop music. And they referred to "Day Tripper" as being about a prostitute...
Paul: Oh yeah.
Reporter: ...and "Norwegian Wood" as being about a lesbian.
Paul: Oh yeah.
Reporter: I just wanted to know what your intent was when you wrote it, and what your feeling is about the Time magazine criticism of the music that is being written today.
Paul: We were just trying to write songs about prostitutes and lesbians, that's all

So it's either about cheating on your wife or lesbians. The Beatles were Skinemax before Skinemax. Or gay porn:

Reporter: "May I ask about the song 'Eleanor Rigby?' What was the motivation or inspiration for that?"
John: "Two queers."
(room erupts with laughter)
John: "Two barrow boys."
Paul: (jokingly) "Oh, it's getting disgusting, this press conference.

Sounds like classic doublespeak and diversionary tactics to throw Lennon's wife off the cheating trail. Well played.
The Beatles = Great Wingmen.

Again, whatever the actual meaning is I think this has to be counted as my favorite Beatles song. That is until I start thinking about Sgt Peppers' "A Day in the Life".

Screw it. It is impossible to pick one song. I think its safe to say they're all #1 in my book........except for Yellow Submarine.

CD Collections, Already Dead? Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Do the Denial Shake

2009-07-30T11:37:00.001-07:00

We can all agree that thanks to iTunes, iPods, and CDRS , our old CD libraries have become completely irrelevant. Fact: No one needs cds anymore. At least that is what I’m currently trying to tell myself. I’ve done something today that is forcing me to falsely embrace this mantra. You see, thanks to my recent actions I’m currently in a state of denial.

Today was the day I decided to take my once untouchable CDs to SecondSpin to trade in for cash. As it already stands my extensive cd collection had already been whittled down to just the bare bones of a music aficionados life blood Long ago I convinced myself that I could part ways with most of my cds after copying them over to my external hard drive…and from there another external hard drive.Yes, two hard drives are a bit excessive but I couldn’t live with myself if I lost all of those mp3s. Finally feeling secure about the backups I was freed to sell back these old cds to Second Spin (for more cds) that I had no emotional attachment to.

So long “…And You Will Know Us From the Trail of the Dead”. We had some good times “Franz Ferdinand”. Hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave “Rilo Kiley”. Even though I had all of my music (117 gigs) backed up on MULTIPLE hard drives I could never bring myself to sell back certain cds, even if they hadn’t seen the light of a CD player laser since Clinton was in office.

Nevertheless I wanted cash for a new bike so I convinced myself it was time to clean house. I grabbed the remnants of a once proud collection and headed over to SecondSpin. Stepping into the store I felt a bit panicked. As I watched the salesclerk examine each cd for scratches I found my cds taking on a life of their own, making desperate last minute pleas with me. Elvis Costello’s Greatest Hits tried playing the whole “We look alike! Don’t do this” card. I didn’t bite. The Who’s Tommy looked at me as if I murdered Keith Moon and said “If I knew this was going to happen I would have joined Quadrophenia in the trunk of the Prius, all scratched up. At least those discs died with some dignity!” The Beatles “The White Album” looked at me incredulously as if to say “Um, HELLOOO I’m the White Album. You’re joking right?” Afraid not lads. That decision triggered something in me. I was frightened. I realized if I could hand over an album like The White Album for $9 I was capable of truly horrific things.

Years of memories and emotions came flooding in as I watched the register put prices on pieces of my life. These cds with their album art, their cd silk screen, and their cases each with their unique cracks all have specific stories that wouldn’t make sense to their new owners. They’d be lost on everyone but me. How could I abandon them and how could they love anyone else. I was the Daniel Plainview of SecondSpin. At that point I knew what it felt like to give up a child for adoption. True, it wasn’t hard to say goodbye to Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. Sure they hold a special place in my heart, but it’s more for novelty’s sake…like the time I hooked up with that wonky eyed fat girl with the onion breath. It was a great story and everyone had a good laugh but nothing inspiring came of it. The same cannot be said for The Flaming Lips’ The Soft Bulletin…which I turned in for a measly $2. This was an album that re-introduced me to a band that I once thought was a one hit wonder. As it would turn out, I was reacquainted with a band that blew away their “She Don’t Use Jelly” one hit wonder label and this album would become the Pet Sounds of the late 90’s.

Some cds were too scratched up to be returned, others were not returnable as the store’s inventory was already at full capacity and each time I feigned indignation at these “slights”. In reality I was celebrating the salesclerk’s overly judgmental eye. Radiohead’s The Bends was rejected due to cd laser burning from overplaying that I immediately could translate back to when I first got the cd and I played it at least 1000 times in my old “top of the line” Sony cd walkman ( “Look it even comes with a wired remote!” ). That disc was my introduction to Radiohead outside of “Creep”. Even if it was scratch free I’m not sure $3 would be worth kissing goodbye the memory of riding in the backseat of a car studying the liner lyrics to “Black Star” till my eyes hurt.

The parting pains for Interpol, The Raconteurs, and Sigur Ros were there, but not nearly as bad as what I would see waiting for me at the bottom of the return pile: Beck’s Sea Change. Dare I part ways with Beck Hansen’s ode to breakup? What would I look to when I too suffered from crushing personal loss or heartbreak? Hearing it on my iPod simply would not do the trick. This album has always had a strong hold over me and I couldn’t bring myself to part ways with it. I hoped, no PRAYED that it would fail the scratch inspection. It didn’t. Of Course. As I inched closer to see what the return would net the salesclerk compassionately responded “Are you sure you’d like to return this?” I feebly responded with “Um…only if it’s more than $2”. As soon as I got $2 out of my mouth the register responded with, rather curtly I might add, a return price of $2.50. It surely heard me and now was testing my resolve. We both sat there string at Beck’s face, for what seemed like forever until I finally snatched the cd off the counter and said “I’ll keep it I need something to listen to on the way home”. Luckily the salesclerk was unaware that I easily have 80+ ripped cds in my car. It didn’t matter.

To me, nothing would feel more perfect to me than listening to “Already Dead” as I drove home with the dirtiest feeling $80 that I’ve ever put in my wallet. As I sit here looking at my return receipt taunting me like a long paper snake of lament part of me wants to drive back to the store and explain to “Brett” and his hipster moustache that I made a huge mistake. He could keep Maladroit and Chulahoma but not Icky Thump. Surely he’d made mistakes in the past hadn’t he? Could he not understand? Had he no regrets? I feel like Jason Robards in Magnolia pontificating about the pains of our actions. This is the regret that you make. He had nurse Phillip Seymour Hoffman to voice his regrets to. Now all I have is Beck.

“So stupid, that fucking mind! Stupid! Jesus Christ! What would I think, did I think for what I’d done?” – Earl Patridge (Magnolia)

“Already dead to me now”
‘Coz it feels like I’m watching something die” – Beck Hanson (Already Dead)

Taming of the Screw: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pain on Wheels.

2009-07-27T14:50:00.000-07:00

After biking for six miles on my newly purchased from craigslist bike I give you:

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate My Fucking Bike (Letterman Style)

10: There’s no kickstand. You’d think I’d have noticed this during the craigslist wooing face of the transaction…but I was quite hungover.

9: The paint job. The seller couldn’t tell me how old the bike was but because of its super sweet “EXTREME” paint job I can easily carbon date it back to the early to mid 90s.

8) Thanks to the seat my ass needs a rape kit.

7) The peddles are like bear traps for your feet. Sharp, metallic, and blood thirsty.

6) If i stop peddling the gears magically change on their own. They either suck or I’m the proud owner of an automatic transmission.

5) There looked to have been some sort of insect colony in the back reflector hole. Which leads me to wonder where they are now?…and what are they waiting for. Perhaps they are the ones who are changing the gears.

4) The back tire appears to be bent, initially something that neither I, the Horatio Caine of Bike Investigation, nor my roommate noticed. After learning of it I didn’t think it would be too big of a deal as the bend in the rim was barely noticeable but…..

3) it is just enough to cause the back brakes to not brake. Now on the hills of Santa Monica I get to play a little game w/ cars that I like to call “Are you going to honor your stop signs?”. A funny and easy game w/ only two outcomes.

2) The bike is named “MTN TAMER”. The only way it could be more gay is if i had a Hello Kitty basket on the handle bars

1) and the #1 reason why I hate my bike is my roommate bought a borderline brand new beach cruiser w/ a kick ass lock for $50 I.E. the same price I paid for my deathtrap on wheels (sans lock….brakes…….and kickstand.)

Lesson Learned: Do not test ride bikes in sketcky venice alleys when you’re super hungover.

Beat It: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love...No Seriously, Hit the Road!

2009-07-07T08:35:00.000-07:00

As I hear countless stories of idiots hitting the internet attempting to pay obscene amounts of money to celebrate the life and times of Michael Jackson today I can't help but question their sanity. Do you REALLY want to hang out with hardcore Michael Jackson fans? They are a scary lot. STAY AWAY from downtown LA today! I'm picturing the tailgate @ a Jimmy Buffet concert w/ less drinking, more leather and NAMBLA members, and just about the same amount of tears. I thought I couldn't be more disgusted w/ the coverage of this nonsense till I heard Stacy Brown, Jackson's biographer, say "This is going to be Princess Diana's funeral times 20. Michael Jackson was Elvis and The Beatles rolled into one!". People paying into this feeding frenzy and treating it as some sort of cultural watershed moment that needs to be ranked makes me sick. Mind you if it were somehow possible for me to go see a reunited Beatles w/ a Zombie Lennon and a Zombie Harrison ripping through Helter Skelter I'd be be hitting eBay w/ the quickness. Lucky for me I don't live in a glass house.

The only plus about all of this nonsense is that because of the MJ hype I came across ear gold! After the news broke people began writing up countless tributes to MJ. Desperate to be heard in a sea of mourners they needed to guarantee traffic to their little sites....and what better way than to add a remix or a cover version of one of Jackson's songs . After hitting The Hype Machine.com* and sifting through some crappy remixes I came across an amazing auto tuned enhanced cover version of "I Want You Back". As it turns out it was done by Discovery, a side project for Vampire Weekend keyboardist and producer Rostam Batmanglij and Ra Ra Riot lead singer Wes Miles. These geniuses, whose album releases TODAY of all days, must have been in cahoots w/ MJ's doctor for months as the cover was announced back all the way on May 20th. That can't be a coincidence. Let the conspiracy theories begin. That's right, I said it, MURDER. I'll send this theory to my ex-girlfriend who doesn't believe that astronauts landed on the moon. Plant the crazy seed in some fertile soil and let her run with it.

Along with the autotuned cover of the Jackson 5's "I Want You Back, The album features guest vocals from Vampire Weekend's Ezra Koenig and Dirty Projectors' Angel Deradoorian.

*The Hype Machine is an MP3 blog aggregator. It's pretty much the best site for experiencing new music...once you get past the countless remixes of MGMT's "Kids". Enough already, people!

Ofoto, Oh No You Didn't: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Erasing Memories

2009-05-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

Really, Ofoto? Are you really going to hold my jpegs hostage? Since when did Kodak become Hans Gruber? Don’t they know, much like any good president on “24”, my stance on terrorism is I do NOT comply with the demands of terrorists? Furthermore I thought we had a silent agreement: I’ll upload all my pics to your site, use it as an online picture hard drive, never buy anything, and you would look the other way. There’s no shot I’m spending $20 annually for your craptastic service. For what? Five year old pictures of an old girlfriend who’d cry her eyes out every time she saw said pictures. She had a terrible self image. Why would I want to be reminded of this? Can I pay $50 to get kicked in the balls while I’m at it?

You know what, I’ll run through some albums randomly and see if they’re worth $20

09/01/04 – I was the last of my high school friends to roll out the inevitable fat face. I was still rocking a slim jaw line in 2004. My peers were jealous. It’s funny you look around on Thanksgiving Eve and you say to yourself “Holy f*ck look at Redacted’s face! He looks like he swallowed himself! A few years later BAM! You have fat face! We never do see the fat face coming do we? On the plus side I can now do the Richard Nixon “I am not a crook” bit with some solid “Turner & Hooch” jowl sounds to punctuate it. (Make note of the sweet necklace).

05/02/06 - Best apartment wall ever. It acted perfectly as a green screen. Hours of Photoshop fun. Sadly the lighting in the shot looks like I pissed my pants. Ofoto, you’re not doing a good job of making me want to give u $20. Annually. Sweet stache though.

06/30/06 – Who is this guy? Why is he so awkward in this picture? Why is he blocking that sweet ass mural? Ofoto, do you really expect me to pony up an Ajax for this crap? I suppose I should blame myself for not having more impressive pictures, but we all though the good stuff goes to ~~friendster~~…~~my space~~… facebook. Ofoto is for sharing pictures of potential apartments or for sending pics to people who are not on Facebook. Who needs friends like that? If they’re not on Facebook then they can’t compliment me on my sweet lens work or my recently slimmed down fat face. They can’t even “like a pic”. The bottom line is they can’t provide us me with validation and affirmation that we I desperately need….thus they are dead to us me.

03/21/07 – Tons and tons of photographic evidence of my drinking problem. Awesome. Who doesn’t love to see pictures of themselves when the lights are off upstairs? Look at my eyes in this one. That is straight black out face. Ofoto is that dick head friend who ruins your jolly hangover. Waking up you feel great about how handsome you were looking, how hilarious you were, and how god damn hot that chick you made out was…and then here comes your friend, Charlie O’ Foto to rain on your drunken parade. Chances are you blacked out for a reason, and this dick insists on reminding you with photographic evidence. “Oh you don’t remember last night?” he says smugly. “Your fly was open, you were about as funny as Carrot Top, and your chick had a uni brow and a Charlie Weis front ass. “ Prick. Not every night needs to be time capsuled. ..And if it does, wouldn’t you rather it be on Facebook for all your friends to see. Airing out that secret shame and acceptance are the first steps to recovery. If done right you’ll feel so good about your past transgressions you’ll be ready to hop back on that drunken horse and let it ride because, let’s be honest with each other,: nobody wants to see Bruce Banner. They want to see the Hulk.

05/05/07 - They say some pictures are worth a thousand words. Perhaps. A picture of a co-worker outside of a restaurant @ his going away party, finger blasting a statue is worth approximately thirty eight words…and definitely not worth $20.

I have two albums after that gem, because everything else is on Facebook….so you know what I say? I say Fuck You Kodak and your desperate clawing for money. You can’t change the rules on me. You don’t even offer the ability to embed slide shows in blogs or social networks. So bush league. That being the case this is a straight ransom job. You offer nothing but stolen memories and I just won’t have it. Out of spite of our broken covenant I’d rather go on a right clicking marathon and save my pics one by one and then pay for a flickr pro account.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker

NetFlux: Or How I Learned To Stop worrying and Love Craptastic Movies

2009-03-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

Rachel Getting Married has been widely recognized as a powerful piece of cinema that everyone should see...or so I thought it was. The Oscar nomination had me fooled. Two hours later this is what I took from it:

1) What an annoyingly ultra hip multi cultural circle jerk of a weekend gathering…in CT of all places. Come on.

2)Percocets? Really? Am I a bastard for scoffing at her driving off a bridge on percocets? Can we maybe up her drugs to something more likely to plunge someone off a bridge. Maybe some special k?

3) I get that the parents response to the family tragedy is meant to reflect the complete opposite ways in which a person responds to tragedy: detached isolationism VS smothering clinginess but come on, the kids are adults give me a break.

I might be slightly jaded, but “In the Bedroom” felt like a more organic picture of loss and grieving and what it can do to you. "Rachel Getting Married" felt like “look at me” theatrics at its worst. Only missing the jazz hands. Perhaps this movie would be a good tool for addicts. I'd imagine if I were an addict and my behavior in anyway resembled the nonsense that Anne Hathaway was spouting I'd try my damnedest to stay on the straight and narrow.

I also, sadly, found time to watch "How To Lose Friends and Alienate People" and "Noble Son". Hearing Megan Fox say that cocaine makes her horny should be enough to save a movie...but it wasn't. That said "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" was still light years better than "Noble Son", which sadly played out like a poor man's "Malice". (which coincidentally both starred Bill Pullman. That guy needs a new agent asap.)

My DVD player hates me right now.

25 Random Face Book things I Hate About You: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Make Mix Tapes

2009-02-06T03:38:00.000-08:00

This piece was first published on Intraffik.com.

Let’s get something straight people: You are not funny or insightful. I hate to rain on your parade as this fad seems to be catching speed with every waking breathe but I don’t want to know these factoids about you. I’m sure it feels great to finally let all of your Facebook ‘friends” know that you were born with both male and female genitalia…but. I’m eating breakfast over here! Come on. There has to be a better venue to share this. Try joining the cast of The Real World Brooklyn! Even odder you friend chooses to sandwich her own personal bombshell in between 10) I LOVE coffee and 12) I need caffeine all the time. Really? I’d call you lazy for doubling up on a subject matter but then you go out and outdo yourself with “13) lucky thirteen” and it becomes apparent. You are just not that into yourself. Don’t you realize this is the most narcissistic posting on the most narcissistic website? Embrace it or please stop. Preferably the latter. When I say embrace it mind you I mean try hard and really give me something. Trying hard does NOT mean moving on to “Memories: leave one note about me” or “MY First Born”, or “Ten Things about me...using one word”. This needs to stop. I’m ready to take the steps to end this. No, not by de-friending people, or by moving back to myspace...where at least there were countless myspace whores (I miss you dearly Tila) to water this stuff down. Nor will it be my doing my own standard top 25 (Sure I could tell you that I’ve never had peanut butter before, or chicken mcnuggets for that matter but why would you care?). Instead, through the power of music, the great website 8trax, and a mind like a steel trap, I will bring you my Mix 25. Narcissistic? Yes. However after reading it you will either be too tired to write your own or be so disgusted with my over sharing that you will think better of it. Prepare yourself for the shock and awwww that is “Deltron 3030 is a Mixtape”:

1) The Blues Brothers - Someone to Love: Seeing this movie on TV as a kid I always assumed that Jake and Elwood were twins. They dressed the same and the limited personal experience that I had taught me that was what twins were supposed to do. As much as I hated the twin dress code enforced by my parents wallet I could dream of at least being Blues Brother Twins. No such luck. Damn you matching red blazers and white turtlenecks! I always wondered why we couldn’t dress up like the Blues Brothers instead. I had expressed this on numerous family events when I was made to don the dreaded red blazer but my wishes always fell on deaf or uncaring ears. Imagine George Steinbrenner as a boy …on a fox hunt. That’s what I looked like. I’d rent the movie from the video store when my turn for rentals would come up and hope that my parents would happen across the movie and be inspired by the vision of Jake and Elwood... “Quick kids get in the car; we’re headed to Sears to get the twins matching black suits!” It never happened. Great movie though.

2) Joey Scarbury - Believe It Or Not: I wanted to be the Greatest American Hero. To me he seemed like a far superior alternative to Mork from Mork and Mindy. If you had to be someone from a ABC TV show in the early 80s that wore red superhero tights why not The Greatest American Hero? If you were to ask me one plot point besides the fact that he really wasn’t too good at flying I would draw a complete blank That didn’t stop me from running around the back yard mimicking his failed flight attempts, flailing my arms around with a plastic bag on my back acting as my cape. I’m sure my parents, as they watched from the deck, decided that they should focus all their attention on the other children as I was already a lost cause.

3) Michael Jackson – Beat it. White Lines is the actual trigger of this memory. No, Young Del was not blowing lines. Break dancing was the drug of choice. I tried my hardest to perfect the art, but it never really took. A damn shame, as I would have owned my catholic school courtyard with my windmills and head spins. Sadly I was no Ozone. Not even a poor man's Turbo. Damn their Electric Boogaloo. My only recourse was to fall back to what was easy, and nothing was easier than aping Michael Jackson. Anyone can pull off a moon walk while wearing one glove and white socks. A sad, sad side note: I would wear a winter mitt (I didn't have gloves) and try to moonwalk in the middle of a scorching, humid NY summer on my back deck I’d play the record single for Beat It nonstop and generally drive my siblings crazy. I guess my ear for music wasn't fully developed and because of this I would butcher the words to the song. This led me in "Beat It" to hear and sing "Showin' How Fucky Strong Is Your Fight" when the actual words were clearly "Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight". Repeated over and OVER again. Now I'm friggin' young, so "fucky" had LIT-TRA-LEE the same exact meaning to me as "funky" (I didn't know how to get funky or fucky back then. Now, .still a bit unclear.) Unfortunately my mom felt differently. She took the title of the song quite literally, and out came the dreaded "wooden spoon". That is when "Beat it" was retired from young Del's record rotation.

4) Rick Springfield – Jessie’s Girl: My oldest sibling, Jen, was (and still is. Funny how that works) ten years older than me and was the only source of musical influence in my earliest days. She was spoiled as much as a one of six can be. She’d often let me go through her records and eight tracks. While she was hardly Zooey Deschanel in “Almost Famous” she did have some Devo. Along with that the only other things that jumped out at me at that age were Rick Springfield and the soundtrack to Footloose (both on 8 track!). As I recall she was a bit obsessed with Rick. Jessie’s Girl and “Don’t Talk to Strangers” were played pretty much everyday…that is till she went to fat camp. We all piled into the station wagon and dropped her off at Camp Shane…and then we went to McDonalds for lunch. I’d like to think my parents had a twisted sense of humor, but I know that wasn’t the case. She came back weeks later insisting we all eat fruit salads and cottage cheese for the rest of the summer. Hardly seemed fair as my brother and I were easily the skinniest smallest people in the state of NY, but my parents humored her. Like I said she was spoiled.

5) Hall and Oates: Method of Modern Love: As a kid I had blonde hair and my brother Gene had dark hair. This would lead to easy casting for when we played Chips (damn that bastard got to be Ponch), Dukes of Hazzard (I got to be Bo. He's was more of a "shoot first, ask questions later" type. Badass .Like young del.), and Hall and Oats. This particular duo’s casting was a lose lose situation for all parties involved. Even worse was that for percussion’s sake I would “play” the white living room wall w/ my filthy Daryl Hall hands. I’d be banging away at the wall bongos like a chimpanzee, The whole time thinking I was keeping the beat like a pro. In reality all I was doing was covering the walls with my filthy paw prints. My mom was mot pleased and wall drumming was outlawed. I did learn to spell “M-E-T-H-O-D at a very young age though…so that’s got to count for something. Hall and Oates, educating the youth of the 80s!

6) The Outfield – Your Love: One Christmas my brother and I received a tiny TV that at the time seemed like a 50 inch plasma. This was an old school TV with the two through thirteen dial and the matching UHF dial underneath it. We did not have cable at the time so I would spend countless hours fiddling with the UHF channel dial hoping that if I hit the right number and if I used the tuning dial enough that I would crack some code to get some wild exotic channels (MTV and Nicolodeon). Of course that never happened However one rainy summer night I did pick up a channel that was playing videos and after seeing Janet Jackson jump through a movie screen in “Nasty Boys” I got to hear and see The Outfields “Your Love”. The video was by and large nondescript, but the song made an automatic connection. It was instantly the greatest thing I had ever heard. I went to sleep thinking I had cracked UHF’s secret code and my reward would be an endless stream of music videos. Sadly I woke up to clear skies and snow on my TV. I prayed for rain the rest of the summer.

7) Dire Straits – The Walk of Life: My first tape and I have no regrets to this day.

8) Billy Joel – This is the Time: In the eight grades I had a horrible crush on a girl and had set my sights on asking her to my eighth grade “dinner dance”. I was sure it would play out like a magical episode of The Wonder Years. By then I had out grown my red blazer turtle neck combo, barely, so I needed to upgrade. I’d have my Winnie Cooper by my side and I’d be rocking a new suit. It would be perfect. I just needed to wait for the right time to ask her…and wait…and wait. Sadly my crushing fear of rejection had allowed someone else to swoop in. Fu*k Paul Phieffer and his glasses. I was Kevin Arnold damn it. Fortune rained down upon me I had thought when her date was stricken with the chicken pox. He’d surely have to miss the big dance (in the small gym). I pictured him like John Travolta in “The Boy in the Bubble” crying himself to sleep as I cut a mean rug w/ Winnie Cooper 2.0. Obviously this was all wishful thinking as I couldn’t (and still can’t) cut a mean rug and the bastard had the fastest recorded recovery to the chicken pox in the history of the

United States

. Defeated I went to the dance stag. I WAS the Paul Phieffer. I just didn’t know I needed the glasses yet. She saved a dance for me though…and of all people to croon this magical moment it had to be friggin Billy Joel. Having her shuffle off back to her date to the end of The Piano Man’s cheesed out plea “You've given me the best of you, and now I need the rest of you.” could not have been more apropos for someone who had yet to learn the meaning of apropos. Let it be known Billy Joel would be dead to me…

9) Queen – Under Pressure: Sadly Billy Joel did not get the memo. He would not stop his taunting of me with that dance trauma. The following fall my parents thought nothing would make for a better family trip than all of us going to see Billy Joel live @ Giants Stadium. I begged for a reprieve. I tried to speak to their wallets sensibilities, explaining that the ticket was costly and they were better off not spending the money on someone who would not appreciate the show. No such luck. I was forced to go. Sure enough it sucked as much as I thought it would…and it rained. The highlight was my sister getting heckled for blocking someone’s view with her giant aqua net infused hair and for my Dad inadvertently creating baseball infused lyrics to Pressure. “Psych 1, Psych 2 What do you know?” became “Strike one Strike Two, The batter is out!”. Perhaps if my mom heard that she’d realize that the “Beat it” incident was in fact a symptom of a genetic lyrical absorption deficiency I inherited from my dad and then I’d be able to demand restitution. Chances are she was taking a smoke break and missed the whole thing. To this day this concert is my secret shame when someone asks “What was the first concert you went to?” It is part of the music fan’s holy trifecta of questions.

What was your first tape? Dire Straits “Brothers in Arms”.Pass
What was your first concert? Billy Joel “Stormfront”. Epic Fail
What was your first cd? Poison “Flesh and Blood”. Pass. Barely. D+

I sometimes will tell people my first show was The Grateful Dead as it was the first show I paid money for. I’d love to use this trick with question #three but my second cd was Andrew Dice Clay, and my third, a confirmation gift, was Vanilla Ice’s seminal classic “Ice Ice Baby”. (Note I used Queen’s Under Pressure here because under the strict unwritten mix tape guidelines I can not use two songs by the same artist, it is a better song revolving around pressure, and lastly it acts ass kick ass transition to #10

10) Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby: I wish I could tell an elaborate story how I received this cd in horror and returned it to the Record Town the next day but nothing could be further from the truth. I was pumped. Months later I would come to realize I was not as pumped as my brother. As I stated earlier I can not cut a rug. My brother got all of those genes. He could break off the Kid n Play toe tap in his sleep. Well he had big plans envisioned for Ice Ice Baby. Fast forward to my sister’s sweet sixteen party. Walking around the party I found my brother, my younger sister and my younger cousin huddled up in the coat check room. I wasn’t sure what they were planning but I could tell the way they were stretching and talking to each other that I would want nothing to do with it. They had their game faces on and exited the room in unison and headed to the mostly cleared out dance floor. My brother shot the dj a knowing look and the room was flooded by the sounds of future shame. As it would turn out the months between my confirmation and my sister’s sweet sixteen these goons mocked up a full step for step recreation of the dance moves in “Ice Ice Baby”, while also adding their own moves when needed. They danced their hearts out that night and the reactions were varied. The birthday girl was utterly mortified. Rightfully so. Her friends of course were amused as hell. These types of shenanigans were what made a party memorable before the advent of booze. All of the older relatives seemed pretty impressed with what they saw which pleased the dance crew greatly. I thought it was hysterical but my amusement was tempered because in the back of my mind I thought perhaps someone on Monday might mistake me for him and expect me to recreate the awkward dance moves. Years later I ended up finding a video of them practicing the dance routine on Thanksgiving. I wasn’t sure what made me laugh harder: viewing the actual tape or the thought of them having a “killer” practice session and then one of them saying “Alright let’s review the tape!”

11) Bell Biv Devo – Poison: As I mentioned my first cd was Poison’s Flesh and Blood. Ironically enough my brother’s first CD was Bell Biv Devoe’s Poison. In retrospect it is a far superior first CD than mine. The title track is timeless and just so happens to be my #1 karaoke jam. A few years ago a bartender who I thought was the bee’s knees worked the karaoke night at my local dive and I would always clam up when the mike came my way. This led to weeks of karaoke blue balls that were finally released when she wasn’t around to see it. Legend has it that it was the most spirited rendition of “Poison” that the area had ever seen. It was a huge hit, ripe with emotion and, from what I hear, furniture tossing during Bell’s “It’s driving me out of my mind…” borderline a cappella solo. I’ve sung it since then and it just hasn’t been the same. It never again had the same power or ferocity. I t could have been the girl, but it probably was the alcohol.

12) Extreme – More Than Words: Not only is it my #2 karaoke jam but it was also a mix tape staple back in the day. I can recall clearly burying in side two for the new girl who transferred from the catholic school. It was genius move. I thought it would be too forward to have the tape open with that. I needed this track to sneak up on her. Lots of planning went into the tape. Unfortunately all that planning could not stop her from exchanging numbers and saliva with the guido who was working the “Italian Feast” that fateful summer night. I went home with out exchanging saliva or the tape and listened to it a few hundred times as I cursed the guido carnie who got to feel the gentle tickle of the slight stache over her full lips. Yeah. She was something special.

13) The Beatles - Lovely Rita: This mix has been a dead zone of music credibility, but one has to be honest with oneself. I had a pretty sub par start as an audiophile. It didn’t help that my family was obsessed with Billy Joel…or that my parent’s record collection had what seemed to consist of 100 Sonny and Cher records. How many damn records did they make? I recall flipping through them once and getting excited when I saw The Who’s “Who’s Next”. One of these is not like the other things. My excitement quickly washed away when I was told that it was my uncle’s. I was on my own again. My saving grace came from the unlikeliest of places, my neighbor Dan. I say unlikely because as far as I knew he was only into speed metal bands, Vic Rattlehead t shirts, and The Dice Man. I imagined his tape collection to look like my parents record collection…if Sonny and Cher preached allegiance to the Dark Lord. Then one day he left a Beatles tape at my house. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. I had always been close minded about the Beatles because all I ever knew was what most kids knew, the lame “I Wanna Hold your Hand” Ed Sullivan image. I took out whatever tape was in my player (most like the “more than words” mix) and popped in the Beatles. I know it is clichéd but I was instantly floored. I listened to it every night for what must have been three weeks. When I had to give it back to him I had a new respect for him and a wide open mind to anything that was not currently on radio or TV. Now nothing makes me feel better than listening to the Beatles and Sgt Pepper. I need to do it more. I also need to meet a girl named Rita. Would Future Rita get tired of me drunkenly serenading her this song at karaoke night at our local dive bar? If so let you guys can let know I do a kick ass BBD “Poison” or Extreme’s “More Than Words”.

14) Phish- Fee: After that I took every BGM or Columbia House card I could find to join under multiple family member names and get a boatful of new music for a penny. Suckers…or so I thought. As it turned out know matter how many letters you write claiming you were unable to enter into your Columbia house contract because you were a minor they will not let you out. Not the worst thing in the world. It allowed me to branch out and find a new side two mix tape song. Phish’s “Silent in the Morning”. I imagined girls panties dropping and hearts melting when they’d hit that track on side two. It was never that effective. That album did introduce me to Phish though. From their I jumped to “Junta”, The first time I got drunk was to “Fee” at an older kids graduation party. I peppered the poor family’s house with vomit and may or may not have threatened to puke on their dog if they didn’t give me regular coke instead of diet coke. The song will bring that memory back every single time.

15) Audio Two – Top Billin: My roommate in college used to rock out to a weird collection of songs freshman year: Gillette’s “Short Dick Man” Ina Kamoze's "Here Comes The Hotstepper" & Shaggy's "Boombastic". It was by and large a black hole of music exchange on both sides as he fought off the “Fee” and “Lawn Boy” I tried forcing into the stereo all the time. Pretty music who ever got there first was the one controlling the music. He did however introduce me to Doug E Fresh & Slick Rick's "The Show" and Audio Two's "Top Billin" so it wasn't all bad. Sometimes I wonder what songs are currently on his IPhone. I'm sure I don't want to know. I can guess Onyx’s Bacdufuckup isn’t one of them.

16) Gza – Shadowboxing: We were lucky enough to live next to two guys who liked to wake up to Onyx’s Bacdufucup. It acted as a 48 second alarm clock for us everyday for quite some time. We tried to combat it at times w/ my Caldor’s stereo…but it was no match for the deep bass of their Aiwa stereo. I would have hated them for it…but in retrospect it could have been far worse. It was only a 48 second song. When they eventually didn’t get the rise out of the hallway they were hoping for they switched to Wu Tang which was far more enjoyable, and in my opinion certainly better than hearing “Here Comes the Hotstepper” again. I was glad to have my stereo drowned out at that point. Sophomore year second semester we actually moved dorms to get back to the same hallway as these guys and I was introduced to my favorite rap cd of all time: GZA’s Shadowboxing. It made up for all the Onyx wake ups in one listen!

17) The Verve- Bittersweet Symphony: My drunkest day of College: The day started with me getting a car trunk door slammed on my head...and ended with a Group of 8 people threatening to "show me their neighborhood" as I taunted them from a Pizzeria. The real heart of the story is the bar departure. I was in RARE form that day. Super jackass. Before the drinking and before the car trunk attack I had seen the video for "Bittersweet symphony" (you know the video where the guy is walking down a crowded street nonchalantly shoulder blocking strangers). Well later on drunk Del though this was genius and he'd try and ape the video. Needless to say the bar patrons that were on the receiving end of my bony shoulders were less than amused. A ginormous bouncer came over to me and said "We can either do this the easy way or the hard way". In typical del fashion I said "I guess we're doing this the hard way because I'm not moving!”. Big mistake. Nothing is quite as embarrassing as being carried out by a bouncer in a fire man's carry. For added goofiness I toasted people as we passed through the crowd. That is till the other bouncer knocked the beer out of my hand. Good times. Every time I hear the song now I get the urge to recreate that magical day.

18) Luna – California (All the Way) – I DJ’d at my college radio station. This sounds cool, but I’m pretty sure my neighbor’s Onyx morning show had a bigger following and their frequency probably reached further as well. The one positive I could take from that gig was the actual “taking”. Luna’s “Bewitched” was the crowning jewel from my batch of cds that I “borrowed”. Not a very stealthy crime as I was the only one who would EVER play that cd…and we were made to keep play logs. Thank god for lackluster inventory skills.

19) The Who – Pinball Wizard: Listening to this song it always brings me back to watching the movie “Tommy”. I always (even though it’s a different version) picture creepy Elton John getting his ass handed to him by Roger Daltrey’s wooden Tommy. This inevitably leads me to Ann Margaret’s bean, soap, chocolate romp. The family video store I worked at back in the day was not to keen on this scene. Del’s movie rotation then, and now, consisted of Tommy, Cabin Boy. True Stories. RAD. Groundhog’s Day. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Dr Strangelove, Airborne. And The Song Remains the Same. You were only allowed to play PG or G movies in the store, so it was a tough time to be able to watch anything kick ass. I could only stomach “Babe: Pig in the City” so many times. The trick was to pick movies that came out before the rating “PG-13” was invented. (Damn You “Red Dawn”). While watching “The Song Remains the Same” some parent complained about the “violence” in the movie as her son performed a bloody fatality in Mortal Kombat at the play station kiosk. I pointed out the irony of this to her. She was less than amused with me.

20) Pearl Jam – Better Man: Long story short: Girl I work with has a boyfriend. We hang at work. We become smitten with each other. Girl breaks up with said boyfriend to hang out with me. We are away and she is acting peculiar in the hotel and at the dinner. Turns out she never actually broke up with said boyfriend. Awesome. The next day the boyfriend came looking for me at my friend’s bar and while the dark cloud of a fight loomed over my head my buddy told me “hey, we were just playing pool. he’s actually a good guy”. He was no Goose to my Maverick. Fast forward to a year later and the same bar and pretty much the same thing occurs. Good times. Fast forward a few months later to me DJ’ing at the this bar and her coming to bar and requesting Pearl Jam’s “Better Man”. Hidden messages:
“She lies and says shes in love with him, cant find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, cant find a better man...”

He was a ginger, so she was either throwing down some deep shit or she just really liked Pearl Jam. I never found out. I instantly had to play to my favorite 90’s one hit wonder to clear my mind: The New Radicals “Get What You Give”. My friends constantly remind me about this one to this day. My friends can be dicks. Also I think I just pin pointed where my deep seeded hatred of gingers comes from.

21) System of a Down – Chop Suey: I played this song at my desk at my first real real job ALL the time much to the bemusement of my co-workers. I did it partly because I thought the song was genius (still do) and partly because I knew it would draw the person in the cube next to me, who I desperately pined for, over to my desk,. The song was a classic bait and switch as I would get her to come over to complain about it and then I’d switch over to the Gorillaz or to The Avalanches. Classic Bait and Switch..
22) M83 – Don’t’ Save Us From the Flames: The song is about a car wreck, so I think it is funny that it was given to me by girlfriend at the time. The relationship was a combustible relationship fueled by common interests and far too much redbull and vodka I will give her credit for having a sharp musical ear. The M83 disc was easily, BY FAR, the best thing she ever gave me. It’s not to say she gave awful gifts. Perhaps it just speaks volumes to the awesomeness of M83. Or perhaps it speaks to the awfulness of 180 “around the back” earmuffs. Bygones... Too soon for stories? Perhaps.

23) Teddy Bears – Punkrocker: At LA’s DetourFest two years ago I missed the Teddy Bears but whenever I hear this song it is what I instantly think of. While chilling in the beer garden during Kinky’s set there was a bit of an "incident". Some rather large dude was taking up a great deal of space at the picnic table we were sharing. No big deal as 1/2 of us were on our feet rocking out to some Mexican funk and some cheap beer. My friend Lucy showed up to the scene late and made a b line straight for the lion's den. Bad move. Apparently this guy's name was on the table because he grabbed her by the arm and said "Someone is sitting there!” She of course responded how any person would by saying” Get your hands off of me!” There was a bit more of a dialogue that was peppered with the word bitch and then I came on to the scene. I turned around oblivious to what occurred and reacted in typical Del fashion. I said "WHOA WHOA WHOA, what's going on here?" The rest of the dialogue went like this

Del: Hey, let her arm go. No one needs to sit there...
Dude on Steroids: Do you want to fight? Let's go right now? (takes off his jacket)
Del (amused, confused, and nervous all at once): UH, are you serious?
Dude on Steroids: As serious as a heart attack!
Del: (trying not to laugh at the lame ass comeback. Laughter would have been a game on signal for this maniac) We're all good over here at this table. Lets go Luce
Dude on Steroids: That's right bitch.
(I pretended he was talking about Lucy with that last "bitch" remark, but down deep I knew that wasn't the case.)

Fact: this guy would have eaten me alive and my three man "posse" was in varying degrees of drunken indifference. There were far too many cute hipster girls present for them to be on high alert. I couldn't blame them. I would have been on my own. He mean mugged for the rest of our time in the beer garden. I was certain his bark was worse than his bite…but I didn't want to find out. No outcome would have been good. Kicked out of the show, arrested, bloodied and bruised. All terrible options. Good times.

24: St Elmo’s Fire Theme Song (Man in Motion) – John Parr: What is worse?

Admitting to seeing the movie “The Brothers Solomon”?

Admitting to seeing and liking the movie “The Brothers Solomon”

Admitting to seeing and liking the movie “The Brother’s Solomon” and loving whenever “St Elmo’s Fire (Man in motion)” comes on.

Admitting to seeing and liking the movie “The Brother’s Solomon” and loving whenever “St Elmo’s Fire (Man in motion)” comes on. to the point that you downloaded the entire soundtrack to St Elmo’s fire.

Admitting to seeing and liking the movie “The Brother’s Solomon” and loving whenever “St Elmo’s Fire (Man in motion)” comes on to the point that you downloaded the soundtrack to St Elmo’s fire…and then uploaded “Man in Motion” to myxer to create a ringtone

um…..this was a hypothetical question...

25) Albert Hammond Jr: - 101: Have you ever met a girl who amused you greatly and seems to have a real level head…and is so low maintenance that it doesn’t make you claustrophobic when she stays over for four straight days, and she can go drink for drink with you and not ever once turn into a crying mess or a drama queen and she has a great sense of humor. Hmm, me either. Sadly this song has been ruined for me forever now. Thanks. “Bitter, table for one!”

“Back to the 101”. Indeed.

That’s it. I’ve said too much. Oh… also, I don’t like Coffee.

Saved By the Belding: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Beat Valley

2009-01-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

I''ve lived in LA for a little over two and 1/2 years now and I've never been particularly star struck. Recently while dropping a friend off at LAX (yeah, it's weird here. You actually drive friends to the airport...) I saw a kick ass dog and after commenting to my friend about said dog i noticed it was being walked by Dustin Hoffman. He was sporting a "Why the fuck are you looking at my dog and not me?" face. Answer: "Meet The Fockers".

Llike I said I'm rarely star struck. Last week seeing Justine Bateman, looking haggard and angry, at Pico Bowl did nothing for me. She was no longer Mallory. I no longer cared. I have to say rarely instead of never though because I was awestruck by the bright shining star that is Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr. Belding. How did I come to meet him? I'm glad you asked. It started with this dialogue:

Roommate: What are you doing?
Del: Reading at Homeless park. Why?
Roommate: Mr Belvedere is going to be @ the Loop (dive bar near my apt) @ 1pm for some student film shoot!
Del: Nice. (breaks into a Mr Belvedere impression) Weeesleeey, take off your shirt and pants so I can start the laundry!”
Del: …wait, he’s dead.
Roommate: I meant Mr Belding
Del: FUCK YEAH! I’ll be right there!

Would I have dropped everything for Mr. Belvedere? Probably not. Richie Belding? Abso-fucking-lutely. We have history. Allow me to explain. I once had Mr Belding call my girlfriend at the time on her birthday. He was a pro's pro. Although, I do recall one of his pre-set rules was that he got to call himself "Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr Belding" instead of just "Mr Belding". I wasn't pleased about that, but I wasn't about to switch my order to Horseshack. You know that douche would eagerly sit by the phone, totally willing to be called "Fucking piece of shit Horseshack" if it meant another Ajax in his wallet. Knowing this now you can imagine my child like glee as I packed up my belongings from Homeless Park and headed down to The Loop.

I went to the bar, drank, and awaited the arrival of TBS rerun's golden god. He arrived and it was not a letdown. (Unlike the time I met Keith Hernandez as a kid. Thank you for crushing my dreams, Keith). Dennis (Mr Belding), Pat, and I had drinks, watched college football (quite knowledgeable on the subject), and played Erotic Photo Hunt.

Mind you He was there to shoot a "Student film" and we were supposed to be nondescript bar flies (typecasting). Much to the chagrin of the director, Belding was more concerned w/ Erotic Photo hunt than the video shoot. We were reprimanded for making too much noise with the game on a “hot set". One of the director's bitch boys came over and told us that the games noises* were interfering in every take so we were told to leave it alone. Mr Belding couldn't leave it be. As I tried to respect the set he tapped me on the shoulder while the game clock was ticking down and gave me the “Should i?” face as he pointed at the hint button. How could I say no? I gave him the head nod approval and then had to put my head on the bar to muffle my laughter. Sadly i did not have my flip mino for that glorious moment. Imagine, if you will, having a video capture of Mr Belding asking permission to use the hint lifeline for an erotic photohunt of a woman spread eagle on a boat (very tasteful) all while he was supposed to be walking into the scene of the shot delivering his lines. Viral video indeed.

Thank you Lincoln Boulevard for making my dreams come true.

Speaking of viral: After his scenes were done we went outside so people could take pictures with him. Belding, the sly dog that he is, got this girl to act as a real life photo hunt model. Being the Big Bopper he pushed the limits and asked for her number...which she gave him. Well played. After that I went back into the bar and not two seconds later the girl came hysterically running back into the bar . Sans tears mind you. More in the "hysterical, please give me attention" vein. Apparently Belding had leaned in and Pearl Harbored her lips with his Taco Bell lovin mouth. She never saw it coming and feared that he had given her herpes. I was kind enough to calm her nerves by zooming in the pics on my camera and matter-of-factly stating my concerns over some questionable sores on the left side. She was not amused. She proceeded to soak her lips in sake in a futile effort to fend off the The Herp. Alcohol kills germs and brain cells.

Drink responsibly, people. Unless of course an old Saturday morning star gives you herpes, chlamydia , or the clap. If this happens, cover yourself in sake from head to toe.

*noises: The game makes all sorts of moaning noises as you make right and wrong selections which obviously made me laugh even more throughout the process.

Saturdaze: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Misc Thoughts

2009-01-03T19:28:00.001-08:00

WHOLE FOODS:

Whole Foods, I don’t care for your antics one bit. You are the Urth Cafe of super markets. I'm not impressed with your wide variety of micro brews and fine cheeses. My money goes to Von’s every time. With that said I do appreciate your efforts to class up the Lincoln/Rose Intersection. If only this beautiful mural was around that night I got lost in Venice. It would have been a grand landmark that maybe would have helped me avoid following my “spirit guide”. A long story of shame that shall not be shared here at this time.

PIZZA HUT:

While waiting for playoff football to start I saw a commercial for Pizza Hut. In this commercial they did the ol’ Folger’s Crystals bait and switch move. Everyone was popping boners over some craptastic “multi grain” pizza that had allegedly been hand prepared by some woman. You know how the rest goes...

Now the truly disturbing part was after the big reveal they touted the great ingredients w/ included “all natural pepperoni”. WTF Pizza Hut! What was I eating before?

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER:

If I've learned one thing from my DVR and "How I Met Your Mother" it is that I can expect my voice to change for a second time as I get older. Hopefully I’ll get a sweet James Earl Jones or creepy Gary Busey voice instead of a lame Bob Saget one. I think HIMYM also taught me that I can be hilarious for 25 minutes and then do a quick 180 and suck for five minutes and no one will hold it against me.

SUNSHINE CLEANING:

I just recently saw the trailer and i have to say a smartly edited trailer mixed with a great song makes me an easy sell.

Trailer 1 = a movie I'd wait to Netflix.
Trailer 2 = A movie i would definitely go check out. Great use of the Decemberists.

Good work trailer #2 editor.

trailer 1:

Trailer 2:

R.I.F: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Become a Card Carrying Old Person

2009-01-02T19:35:00.001-08:00

Borders is having a kick ass 40% off of EVERYTHING sale. Sadly I was late to the scene and it was slim pickings. I missed out on all the sweet stuff and because of this I almost talked myself into buying The Freaks and Geeks Year Book Edition Boxed Set. Even at 40% off it was still ridiculously overpriced. After far too many hours of hunting and gathering I grabbed the last copy of the new Klosterman and the new collection of Stephen King short stories and hit the register where I had to listen to the check out douche scoff at my Stephen King selection. No wonder the Borders ship was sinking. Super overpriced merchandise mixed w/ surly judgmental register monkeys is a kick ass business model. Dicks. Border's, you reap what you sow!

Mark my words, as of today I vow to not buy a book for awhile and Border's wasn't the only deciding factor. You see times are tough my friends and I've recently* joined that less than exclusive club, the unemployed. Today after going to my local Citibank to deposit (I still can't believe I'm typing the words) my unemployment check I crossed the street and headed over to the Santa Monica Public Library. Yep, it's come to that. Truth be told I usually buy a book, read it, and then pass it to someone else with the instructions for them to do the same when they are done. This system has served me well my whole life as I never once (blatant lie*) have felt the urge to re-read a book. There's so much content out there, why re-read? Anyway, I'm guessing I haven't been to a public library in at least four years. What better time than now?

I have to admit I found the Santa Monica library a bit overwhelming, what with the over abundance of old people stock piling DVDs. Hey old people, the jig is up. We know you're all still rocking VHS tapes and no matter how many DVDs you "rent" your children will not enjoy visiting you. It's just the way it is. Accept it. I have.

As I mentioned earlier I haven't been to a library in quite some time and because of this I walked around the library like an unfrozen caveman. Everything shocked and confused me. I really had no plan of attack until I recalled I had wanted to purchase "Love is a Mix tape". At that point I stopped dead in my tracks and did a 360 to see if I could sniff out where the non fiction music section was. I'm guessing one of the staffers saw me because she came running over and offered her assistance. I told her I knew the author's name and the title of the book and I'd have no problem tracking the book down at which point she gave me a "bless his heart" face and suggested we track down the exact dewy decimal #. After tracking down the stack slot and finding out that the copy was missing she walked me over to her desk where she put a hold on the book...and get this they will email me when the book arrives. What a brave new world we live in. After being told that this was common place for years I felt stupid and old. Karma perhaps? I really should have went over to the elderly couple renting seasons one through three of "Mad About You" and apologized for silently judging them...but I didn't. I loath old people.

I know you do too.

What have we learned today? Reading is fundamental and if your local library carries the Freaks and Geeks boxed set let me know...because Santa Monica doesn't. I'll trade you some "Mad About You". Oh, we also learned that I'll be seeing that Stephen King hating fool on the unemployment line real soon. We'll see if he is such a big talker when he's not behind his slightly elevated above ground level check out counter.

*blatant lie - I had to repurchase Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs as I wanted to read it again. Of course the jackass that I am, I lent out the second copy. No clue where it is now.

* recently - That's for you, Meredith.

08 Was Great or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Sappy Movies.

2008-12-28T21:37:00.000-08:00

When thinking about a top ten list of movies for 2008 i started to worry a bit. As it turned out my netflix had been a black hole of quality for a good portion of the year and my movie going rate had decreased while my drinking rate increased exponentially. Since going on the wagon on the 21st of December I've been able to squeeze in some notable movies...otherwise you'd be seeing "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" in prime real estate. What has helped is finally driving to The Landmark on Pico. It's a treat to see a movie there. I've banged out four movies since the prohibition began, making me more than ready to construct my top ten. With that said, on to Number 10

10) Step Brothers: I know I should be putting Tropic Thunder here, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Yes I liked "Tropic Thunder", but I loved Step Brothers. I think my insane expectations for Tropic Thunder (and "Pineapple Express") compounded by my low expectations for Step Brothers (thanks to my disdain for Talladega Nights) led me to really laugh my ass off at Ferrell and Reilley and rank it #1 out of the big three summer comedies. It's a well known fact that JCR can do no wrong in my eyes. Ever. With that said Ferrell could be anything that wasn't Ricky Bobby and I was going to be pleased. Their ending duet was a thing of beauty...as was the family acapella sing along to Sweet Child O' Mine. Thanks to this movie"Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer" will be added to the drunken frat boy catch phrase library for years to come.

Less believable man/child step brothers: Steve Nash and Baron Davis, chilling in my neighborhood.

Trivia: um, so in the later numbers I was quoting how many times "fuck" was uttered in each movie. For Step Brothers, I had to do a google search. People, I implore you: think before you search.

9) The Visitor: Kudos to Richard Jenkins for forever lingering in the shadows as a role player and then when he finally got the chance to lead a film he knocked it out of the park. This trailer does the movie zero justice. Give it a chance...it's a slow starter. These are the types of movies that Netflix help you uncover. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness the protagonist feels is heightened in a solo viewing. His speech about life or lack there of and his eventual rebirth should have warranted him a Golden Globe at the very least. I mean come on, doesn't everyone get nominated for a Golden Globe? (I'm looking at you Tom Cruise in "Tropic Thunder")

8) In Bruges: If the movie consisted solely of this 30 second clip it would still make the eight slot. On top of that fine bit of cinema, you get Colin Farrell actually trying in a movie. A nice change from the Sonny Crocket fiasco of 2006. Actually to think of it, I'm not certain that Colin Farrell has been in anything good since Tigerland. A real underrated solid movie that should be added to your Netflix asap. I'm talking about "In Bruges", but feel free to add Tigerland as well.

Trivia Note: The word 'fuck' and its derivatives are said 126 times in this 107-minute film, an average of 1.18 'fucks' per minute. Tarantino eat your heart out.

7) Burn After Reading: I can see why the movie was lambasted by the critics: It wasn't "No Country for Old Men". A simple case of the Hangover Effect. The same exact thing happened after all the praise and awards for Fargo in '96. Their next movie was CRUSHED by critics and viewers alike. That movie you ask? The now cult classic of our generation: The Big Lebowski. History repeating itself. What have we learned? Critics and film buffs are dicks. Burn After Reading is a fun comic thriller that lets its stars act outside of their usual comfort zones (sans Tilda Swinton*) and channel a bizzaro three stooges meets Unfaithful meets the Bourne Identity (with out all the martial arts and parkour). An added bonus is the movie inside of the movie, "Coming Up Daisy". It looked like a movie all of my sisters would eat up. Props to Richard Jenkins for making the list for a third time. He is the Jason Statham to my Stephen King.

Trivia Note: fuck is said 60 times.

6)Frost/Nixon: I was really really surprised by how much I enjoyed this movie. Thanks to Peter Morgan (The Queen), who adapted it from his hit play, Frost/Nixon acts as a reminder of our personal flaws, missteps and need for redemption. This great recreation of an interview that went from a game of checkers and turned into a heated game of verbal chess. Perhaps a fleeting TV moment that carried more weight and emotion than anyone might have realized at the time. Imagine Billy Bush interviewing GWB and squeezing a "there never were WMDs. It was all made up so we could get a good ol' war goin'". Heady stuff. They really recreated the time and sentiment of the nation during that time. A nation that felt lied to. A nation well aware that they were part of a war that was un-winnable and wrong. A nation that wanted change and more importantly they wanted answers. It felt like opening a window into a certain point in time that very much mirrors today's climate, and I totally got lost in it...until Clint Fucking Howard's ugly mug showed up to close it. Can someone write an open letter to Ron Howard and state that we appreciate that he keeps giving his mongoloid brother a gig, but maybe from here on out he can be a gaffer or the "best boy". (I bet Clint was furious when he lost out on the role of Ronnie the pedophile in Little Children. "I was born for that part, Ron. Please pull some strings!" Fucking Clint.) Luckily, he wasn't cast as Nixon. Frank Langella was and he doesn't so much impersonate Nixon as much as he becomes him. At times you will forget that you're watching the actor who played the nefarious power hungry politician in "Dave." Hmm, I guess it wasn't much of a stretch for him. With that said Frank Langella IS Nixon and it is everything that "W" should have been and wasn't.

Trivia Note: Nixon wants to know if you fornicated last night.

5) Iron Man: Young Del was a comic book guy. It's true. He used to ride his bike to the store each Wednesday to pick up the new releases. He can count on his right hand how many times he considered buying an Iron Man comic. Naturally, when talk of an Iron Man movie started leaking he thought "Who the hell is going to want to see that?" Then he saw the trailer. Fuck yeah Favreau! With the help of a kick ass Robert Downey Jr and the late great Stan Winston, he made an awesome, accessible film from a fringe character from a fringe area of literature. Even Gwneyth Platrow's usual sucktactular face and acting (can we just give all her roles to Eva Mendes already?) couldn't hold it back.

It was a force of badass-ness (yeah i just made up a word) that totally played out like a living breathing comic book. That statement is meant to be a compliment. Jerks.

Bonus Points for making Jeff Bridges look equally badass.

4) The Wrestler: Darrwn Aronofsky is the King of Pain. His first movie "Pi" was a test in what the viewer could handle on a sonic level. The jarring sound effects whittled people away one by one from my living room when i brought it home as a "screener" from my job at good ol' Plaza Video. If you were able to get past that sonic assault you were rewarded with a great piece of film making from a new voice. After that came "Requiem for a Dream". That movie was a test in what audience could physically handle seeing. Requiem is a movie that you walk past in Best Buy and you pick it up and say "what a brilliant movie", then you put it down because you can't possibly fathom owning it and again sitting down and going through the pain that the four protagonists go through. It would be like buying Deliverance on Blu Ray and watching Ned Beatty's poor "Squeal Like a pig" scene...but for 100 more minutes. The Wrestler is another test. This time we're tested with how much we can handle emotionally. Never would I have expected to pay to see a movie about wrestling STARRING Mickey Rourke, but it's been an odd year. (as #3 and #1 will attest) As it turns out, Darren Aronofsky's shooting style coupled with Mickey Rourke's real life story makes him perfectly cast as a once star now washed up wrestler. This combination gives it an almost documentary feel, and the audience can immediately relate to "Ram". I don't want to give anything away about this movie but let me just say the wrestling is the least painful aspect of the movie, and Marissa Tomei is great as an equally washed up stripper. Plus she gets naked!

Other reasons for the four slot: a kick ass 80's hair metal soundtrack and Todd from the Crazy Dogggz (sans bongos).

3) Wall-E: I never go see kids movies in theaters unless I'm taking my niece and nephews. I had no intentions of going to see this movie, but after a few cocktails near the promenade a girl whose company I was enjoying insisted on it. I was glad I did. It was a great piece of movie making with a solid message bumbled up in a cute package. A Trojan horse if you will. On top of that, I don't think any other movie I've seen could go with out dialogue for so long (33 minutes) and not lose an audience. Sure he looked like a complete rip off of Johnny Five from Short Circuit but nobody (except this lady) cared. No one cared because this was a fine crafted piece of art that somehow managed to tug on the audiences heart strings. I know this because as Eve was seeing the video log of how Wall-E cared for her during her hibernation status, the girl who dragged me to this "kids film" was balling her eyes out. I'm talking rivers of tears. She looked over and smiled with tears gushing out of her saucer eyes. It was an endearing moment and I thought perhaps, just maybe she might be the Eve to my Wall-E. As it would turn out she was more the H.A.L to my Dave.

2)The Dark Knight: Heath Ledger died. We all know that. Heath Ledger gave a great performance. We all know that. So why does this movie make number two? My reasoning is because it was the complete opposite of Iron Man. Like I said, Iron Man was a walking talking comic book. The Dark Knight however manged to transcend the entire genre and fall into a class of its own. With the overabundant CGI work in films today, the sense of danger is never really felt. Chris Nolan, leery of this, attempted to shoot this movie with as many old school tactics as possible. The results speak for themselves. Each action scene has a heightened sense of danger and even though you know it would kill the WB studio to off Batman you still feel a great sense of peril. Chris Nolan has made a career on twists and turns and The Dark Knight was no exception. The Joker personified chaos, but beyond that chaos and claims of having no plan, there were intricate events that pushed the plot along from beginning to end. A well thought out domino effect of chaos. A far cry from Jack Nicholson dancing around to Prince as he gave out fake joker money. Just an awesome movie from top to bottom with a kick ass cast. I've mentioned it before and I'll say it again: I wish Morgan Freeman were my grandfather. He's so wise and preachy, but not in the angry Charles S Dutton kind of way.

Note: If you want more of the Joker, go to Borders during their 40% off everything sale and pick up "The Killing Joke". Nolan's version of the Joker was partly inspired by it.

and lastly...

Question: how do you top a list that includes movies about wrestling, old men learning to drum, and a knock off Short Circuit? Do you go with:

a) Tropic Thunder
b) Milk
c) The Curious Incident of Benjamin Buttons
d) Slumdog Millionaire

D. Final answer.

Before I even get into the movie, I have to say that Frieda Pinto is EASILY the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Slumdog Millionaire: I saw this movie on Saturday and I can not stop thinking about it. It is my 2009 version of "Once". I went into it Frank Costanza style and was blown away. I should have known it was going to be awesome because Danny Boyle has yet to let me down. If there was ever to be a movie made about me I think he'd be my choice to go behind the lens. Wes Anderson would get too quirky, Darren Aronfsky would realize too much pain, and Bryan Singer would insist on having some sort of Nazi plot device, possibly involving Tom Cruise prancing around in a patch. Enough already Bryan. Nope, Boyle would be the man. The guy attacks such diverse genres. You really never know what to expect next. To go from "28 Days Later", to "Millions" to "Sunshine" is a pretty amazing feat. I truly don't have the words to describe how much I enjoyed this movie. Just think for a second. I just said a movie whose plot centers on the Indian version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" is my favorite movie of the year. Amazing locations, a clever plot device, great soundtracks, crisp editing, and child actors you don't want to drop kick. The best analogy I can give you is "City of God meets Forrest Gump"...without any nonsense like the "It happens" and Smiley Face T-Shirt running cross country debacle in the latter part of Gump. It's the Indian Odyssey by way of the genius that is DannyBoyle.

Go see it. Now.

That's it, that's my list....and here is my top 5 list of movies for 2008 that I still need to see:

5 Synecdoche, New York

4 Gran Turino (looks hilarious)

3 Religulous

2 Milk

1 Let The Right Ones In.

*Tilda Swinton: No acting outside of her wheel house. She does her usual ice queen. She terrifies me and is quite possible the reason why Benjamin Buttons will not be listed in this blog.

The S is Silent: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Having My Voice Muted

2008-11-04T10:01:00.000-08:00

“At their best, provisional ballots provide voters who would otherwise be turned away from the polls to have their vote counted, but at their worst, the offer of a provisional ballot can be “a way to brush off troublesome voters by letting them think they have voted.”[4]

In the 2004 US Presidential Election, controversy arose out of arguments regarding the interpretation of the criteria for determining the eligibility of voters using provisional ballots. Many allege that these discrepancies of interpretations, particularly in Ohio, may have been a deciding factor in the outcome of the election. In the 2004 election, at least 1.9 million provisional ballots were cast, and 676,000 were never counted due to various states’ rules on counting provisional ballots.[5]

Studies of the use of provisional ballots in the 2006 general election in the United States show that around 21% of provisional ballots were rejected, where the majority of rejected ballots were cast by registered voters and the majority of rejections were for reasons that were preventable”

—

Preventable? You mean like NOT spelling my last name (LeFevre) with an S (SeFevre?).

WTF. I was made to vote provisionally, which is comparable to when you were in elementary school and your class would vote on the Presidential elections. It’s all for shits and giggles. I felt so dirty after submitting my provisional ballot I went home (across the street) and found documentation w/ the misspelling and went back to the polling station to try and get my provisional ballot removed so i could vote properly.

I thought my plea of “This is the most important election of my life, I want this to count!” would help. Sadly it fell on deaf ears.

Lesson learned: when you register to vote be as neat as possible with your handwriting.

Stick with NY…because this kind of snafu never happened there. Stupid California. (at least the weather was nice)

Slim Goodbody: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Doctor's Orders

2008-10-16T12:35:00.000-07:00

“ UM…you might want to consider cutting back your intake so you have ‘real sleep’ "my doctor said after I told him my “social drinking” consisted of or around twelve drinks. My sadly sincere retort was “Drinks? So does that include shots and jaeger bombs?”

I don’t think he was amused.

After step one of the Del Health push for late 2008 hit a setback (the chantix prescription not being covered under my Atena) I moved forward w/ step 2: Going back to the gym. I’ve been paying for a $70/month gym membership that has gone unused for a good portion of the year. Last year I was a machine at the gym. This year, still a machine…but of the soft serve variety. The doctor’s orders for my fatigue were to not give me adderall (This, people, is why I am not a Doctor) and for me to go back the the gym. Yesterday was the first day. I excitedly parked in front and walked up to the glass doors. I was ready to become a new man. However, as i peered into the giant glass entrance I saw that it was empty. I don’t mean “Empty” in the sense that no one was there working out, I mean it was fucking empty. Cleared out. Tumbleweeds. No machines, no bikes, no lockers, no bad music blaring from the sound system. Someone out there doesn’t want me to shed my lifestyle of hazy nights, bleary mornings and winded stairs.

I blame the government.

I guess it's time to break out those Perfect Pushups I call coasters with handles.

related side note: Do they make a chantix for jaeger bombs?

NetFacts: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Borrowers

2008-10-07T17:35:00.001-07:00

The jig is up.

Netflix locked out my account. Damn my trip back to NY. Sure it was great to see the family and friends but it ruined my netflix efficiency. The trip slowed down my queue activity to the point where I felt like my hand was forced. By "forced" I mean "lying to netflix that i sent back movies so they would send out new movies asap". It's the oldest trick in the book. The good ol' "report shipping problem"maneuver. Sadly I've been the dirtbag who cried Wolf far too often and they locked out my account.

Heed my warning: Don't Lie to Netflix.

Otherwise you’ll resort to this kind of tomfoolery:

Netflix Customer Support: What seems to be the issue today?
Del: My account was placed on hold.
Netflix: It shows here that a great deal of movies have been flagged missing and then are returned much later.
Del: Gee. really? My roommate mailed back a movie on the 30th…and it never got to Netflix, so I flagged it as lost in the mail.
Netflix: I see. Where did he mail it from?
Del: “He put it outside, under a rock, on my apt mailbox. Gosh, do you think someone is taking them?”
Netflix: “Sir, it sounds like you have what i like to call a “Borrower”*. They stalk outside mailboxes and take other people’s movies and watch them...and then send them back…and if they really like them THEY WILL KEEP THEM!
Del: OH! Somebody would do that?
Netflix: Sir, You’d be surprised how often it happens.
Del: Goodness, I think i should not leave my dvds out under a rock anymore.
Netlix: That sounds like a fine idea sir.

Del’s thoughts: Sure it was embarrassing to act like a Sarah Palin, especially when i decided to turn the ham up and ask if there was a way to look up the ship and return dates**. (like a savvy Netflix vet like myself wouldn't know that. Come on). If that wasn’t enough I asked if i could get a investigative phone call next time a rental went longer than 10 days. As she tried to explain how stupid the request was I cut her off and said “You know what, I betcha if i just follow your instructions and stop putting my movies under the rock I’ll be OK! huh?". Judging from her reaction I think she was quite impressed that the Joe Six Pack on the other line was able to come to that conclusion.

We’ve all learned a valuable lesson here, Don’t Lie to Netflix...and if you do lie, act like a complete buffoon so you'll lower their expectations.

Del note: Sadly, this is actually the second time I had to stoop to these type of shenanigans. I guess soon it will be time to be honest w/ Netlfix...or switch to Blockbuster.

* Borrower: she was so pleased when she used this name she obviously coined for movie thieves. It was so cute. God bless her. I could hear her air quoting as she said the word and then nudging her customer support buddy on the right while mouthing "I told you 'Borrower' was so money. I think its gonna stick! Did you start using it?"

** ship and return dates: I went on about how i could try and study the return history and possibly find a pattern to deduce who was grabbing the movies. She humored me and we went through a questionable period at the end of January. I kept muttering to myself "Hmm, end of January...interesting" as if it meant something. She was not impressed with my suggestion of a stakeout.

Speaking of stakeouts...I better go update my queue.

Overheard in LAX or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Dead Presidents

2008-09-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

Old asian man: who is that? (Pauses, points at my sweet t-shirt) Tony Romo?

Del: Haha, no its not tony romo. Its Johnny Utah. Famous Ohio State quarterback!

Old asian guy (clearly has no clue who officer utah is and makes a sad "oh no the cruel embrace of Alzheimer's is setting in) "ohio state?

Del: yeah, remember? All american, he was gonna go pro till he blew out his knee in that big bowl game. Think it was the Rose bowl.

Old asian guy: ...

Ha. Good times. I would have kept going with the charade if he would've let me. Poor guy was so rattled he went through the metal detector with his belt on. The cruel security woman made him take his belt off and that resulted in far too much old man underwear(and possibly a weight lifting belt or man girdle) to be seen when his shorts dropped.

Lucas, You Fool: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learn How to Embrace My Past

2008-09-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

I was a worthless piece of crap yesterday at work, and for the first time it wasn't because of a hangover. That's a slight lie as I did drink, but it wasn't the usual "Shock and Awe" drinking session I usually subject my liver to. The Jaeger carpet bombing was silent for the Lord's day of rest. No I was tired because I insist on putting random movies on as I go to bed. Sunday's 1am showing was"Lucas". The tag line for the movie is "It's about falling in love. For the first time".

It should actually read "It's about falling in love. For the first time...and then having your heart ripped out and stomped on over and over again...as you are totally oblivious to your short comings and the fact that you have no chance at getting the girl...who is gross anyway, as she's a creepy ginger."

Sorry, I shouldn't say any more. I'd hate to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it....or hasn't seen it since it came out (1986...damn my self inflicted carbon dating) but here are my key thoughts:

1) Gingers are dirty whores and can not be trusted! EVER!
2) Lucas would go trench coat mafia in this post columbine world. Guaranteed.
3) Charlie Sheen was (and I'm sure still is) a terrible friend
4) Lucas should have targeted the square Winona Ryder. So much hotter. Even back then, and so less ginger-y. Plus she was in to him. He could have gotten in that much need practice bang before he set his sights on the Ginger.

Why does this movie strike such a chord in the heart of the Deltron? Obviously I've never had an unrequited crush on a ginger. I've always been partial to brunettes...or pretty much any girl that doesn't melt in the sun.

I never had a sick fascination w/ locusts either.

Hmm, perhaps it was because my physique as a High school freshman was eerily similar to young Lucaplakia. I know I know, a shocking revelation. It's true my friends, this chiseled rock of muscle you see now was once the shortest kid of his grade. Even worse, his fraternal twin was not the second shortest.(He was third) Damn that Bastard. I suppose that would make me a bastard as well, but you get the idea. The spiked hair "blow fish" defense did nothing to fool others into puffing up my size. I just had to wait for the sweet sweet release that puberty would bring. Fortunately no one ever gave me the Lucas treatment. I'm guessing it was either because I didn't live in a trailer park and collect bugs OR because there weren't vats of Icy Hot to slather on my hairless man berries.

It wasn't all sour grapes as I did get to purchase Air Jordan's in 8th grade at the kid size discounted price. No shot Fran (my Mom) was going to dole out cash for the full priced adult sized cost.

Score one for the Lucas 2.0

Park and Hide: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being a Straggler

2008-08-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

This blog is going to act as a public service announcement to anyone considering using the Hollywood Bowl "Park and Ride" service. As it turns out, the times are NOT "suggested" arrival time options but instead are the firm time choices that are available for your shows' specific start time.

I learned this the hard way. Allow me to scare you straight.

The day before the Radiohead show I drank like a champ. For no good reason on Sunday I had 6 jaeger bombs and countless beers and other drinks at The Victorian, The Beer Garden, O'Briens, and my house. It made for a great Sunday, but a miserable Monday. This led me straight to the Park N Ride as I planned to rest and rebound in a bus on the way to the venue. Oddly enough, when I arrived at the Santa Monica DMV there were ZERO people waiting for the bus. I thought I couldn't be more worried at that point. I was wrong. Shortly after discussing what to do w/ my roommate Pat, who was kind enough to drop me off, another Radiohead fan showed up. Her name was Monica and she was bat shit nuts. She clearly made the same mistake I did and was having a self admitted freak out. Besides questioning who I was calling when I used my phone to try and verify the p-n-r info she questioned the West Side. Her theory, which clearly ignored the full parking lot, was that there weren't any Radiohead fans on the Westside and that was the reason there was no one waiting for a pick up. I was way too hungover to humor her insanity so I peppered in a few subtle zingers as I tried to figure out my next step. Truth be told I was fucking terrifed of her. CRAZY EYES! Luckily Monica's friends showed up and, following a long brainstorming session, decided they'd drive to the Bowl. After a quick deliberation, they agreed to drive me as well. Kids, I don't advocate taking rides with strangers, but this was for Radiohead. It wasn't like someone asked me to get in their van to help them find their lost puppy (ed note: People, wise up. There's never a lost puppy!). Also, the driver, Nick, was a spot on stunt double for my buddy Schellman...except a Mexican version. John Mexico. Super trust worthy.

Michael Vick would be so proud...en el trato.

The car ride consisted of Monica complaining the entire fucking time, and her friends either rolling their eye balls or telling her to "try and have fun". Why would John Mexico, Bizarro Annie, and the Bourne Ultimatum 2.o want to hang out with such a Debbie Downer. When she found out that someone threw a "Singles" party and she wasn't invited she belted out over and over again: "BUT I'm single (shocker!) Why wasn't I invited?" Oh Monica, I just met you and it's completely obvious why you weren't invited. Her friends made some lame excuse and changed the subject.*

As the straggler, I really wanted to shtick it up by doing the Seven Minute Abs bit from "There's Something About Mary"...but i thought better of it as I was insanely hungover and I feared being dropped off on the 101. (Note: this is also the reason i have no pics of the motley crew. That would've punched my express first class ticket to Creep City.)

"Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk"

At this point I learned we'd be detouring** to John Mexico's boss' house. Hmm, part of their scam perhaps. Get a straggler alone in the Hollywood Hills and then steal his tix. Genius really. My fears were put to rest when we arrived and I realized the boss could probably buy the Hollywood Bowl. They had a friggin Warhol for christ's sake. I knew this because the boss's wife insisted on giving a tour, even when I tried to politely decline by saying "Thanks, I'm good....I'm a straggler. No tour needed." I think she thought I was kidding. A friggin Warhol. Nuts. I was impressed. As evidenced by my living room, I'm a huge art fan:

Matt points out the rich textures of my Bob Ross ~~original~~ knockoff .

After some small talk..and some not so small Monica complaining we jumped into the boss' car and made our way to the Bowl. Of course Monica didn't miss a fucking beat, as she took this second car ride as an opportunity to unnecessarily insult John Mexico's car." Seriously, why did these people hang out w/ her? Luckily it was a short ride, but not short enough as John Mexico and his boss gave each other goodbye European cheek kisses to go along with the standard bro hug. I didn't need to see that. After that we went our separate ways and I met my buddy and headed to the seats and never looked back.

What lessons have we learned?
You know what...I'm not sure I learned a lesson as I'd rather ride w/ strangers than drive to the Hollywood Bowl. That Tetris stacked parking is a fucking nightmare.

Actual Radiohead concert notes:

Ed Grimley + Gary Oldman in "The Professional" = Thom Yorke. Stop trying to come up with a better comparison. It's impossible.

Steve Nash is apparently now playing bass for Radiohead.

No pic needed: Johnny Greenwood is a bad ass guitarist.
Set List
1. Reckoner
2. Optimistic
3. There There
4. 15 Step
5. All I Need
6. Pyramid Song
7. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
8. The Gloaming
9. Videotape
10. Talk Show Host
11. Faust Arp
12. Tell Me Why (Neil Young Cover)
13. No Surprises
14. Jigsaw Falling Into Place
15. The Bends
16. The National Anthem
17. Nude
18. Bodysnatchers
19. House of Cards
20. Planet Telex
21. Go Slowly
22. Fake Plastic Trees
23. True Love Waits Intro/Everything In Its Right Place
24. Cymbal Rush
25. Karma Police
26. Idioteque

Unexpected Highlight: "Tell Me Why". I've never heard the Neil Young version and I don't care. This is now an instant classic Radiohead song in my mind.

Radiohead :: "Tell Me Why" (neil young cover) from gorilla vs. bear on Vimeo.

Sad Lowlight: "True Love Waits". It broke my heart that I could barely recognize this usually great song because it was reworked into a bizzaro organ infused death crawl. The fact that it was my "Man, I hope they play that song" selection, made it that much worse.

Weirdest thing I noticed because I was so hungover I was forced into sober ultra awareness: The asian girl next to me who would laugh uncontrollably EVERY single time she looked at the stage through her binoculars. WTF. Maybe they were displaying reruns of Full House or America's Funniest Home Videos up there. Saget is one funny fuck.

* Turns out Moncia was offered the ticket day of...which usally translates into "Hey...um...we couldn't find anyone else to come w/ us and we don't want to eat the cost...so...um...i guess...um..if you want to come...bring your cash!"

I would have given my ticket to Hitler before her!

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Now playing: Ramones - Needles and Pins [Sire Remixed Single Version]

Free Girl Talk: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Dance Awkwardly

2008-08-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

A little more then a month ago i posted a link on Facebook (the bane of my blogger existence) that allowed people to download the new Girl Talk CD for "free". I'm re posting it here because...well just because it kicks so much ass.

DOWNLOAD IT NOW

Another reason I'm re posting it is because some douche at Facebook flagged the link as "malicious content". A bit harsh I'm thinking...but the album does attempt to kick your ass so I suppose Facebook is partly right.

For you goons who might get confused by the transaction questions on the page, follow these instructions:

* Click on the link
* Submit a payment price of $1.00 (you don't really have to pay FYI)
* Click feed the animals
* Select My paypal or credit card account is inside the United State
* Click feed the animals
* Click here to begin download

It's that simple. Unzip the file and put on your dance shoes.

For anyone out there questioning the integrity of not paying you should know that by spreading the love I've sold countless Girl Talk concert tickets...and that's where the money is at. Don't you judge me!

Here is an example of the good times that can be had fueled by Girl Talk and the appropriate amount of jaeger bombs

Dodgers, Play Your Part (part II) from del lefevre on Vimeo.

and for all you visual learners here is a youtube video mash up that gives you an idea of the genius that is Girl Talk:

You''ll Never Measure Up: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Not Getting My Balls Cupped

2008-08-23T18:42:00.000-07:00

Let's face facts: I'm lazy. Not in the extreme sense mind you. However, if I can passably take care of something in walking distance from my current location I will ALWAYS take that option over jumping into my car and finding the recommended route. At work I eat at the Lobby Trimanna FAR too often and I get my dry cleaning done from a one eyed Russian who almost always ends up staining my already considerably stained shirts or needs three more days to get me my clothes back. Pretty inconvenient for being "convenient". That said, I'd never consider going anywhere else. He's earned my trust by:

1) being in walking distance
2) always remembering my name (probably because I'm the only sucker dropping off my clothes to him)

Knowing this about me you'll now understand why when it came time for me to send in my measurements for a wedding I have to attend in Baltimore my first stop was this establishment.
I asked Boris to measure me but he said "Wait till tomorrow, the other guy is better. He is tailor. He do better job." I appreciated his honesty and agreed to come back the next day. I trust Boris, I've already established that....but I was a bit apprehensive of the unknown tailor. I'd always seen him in the shop and to me he always looked like Big Fat Bernie Gayle from "Safe Men"

possibly the source of all the stains.

I figured i should give him the benefit of the doubt and let him give it a crack. By "give it a crack" I mean cup my balls...in a totally professional manner. The guy started off by saying "in America they measure by inseam....but in my country this is how we do it."

Del: um.........OK
Tailor: I draw pictures...they understand.
Del: (under his breath) Shit

After 10 minutes of my awkward silence and his non nonsensical mutterings I was presented a piece of notebook paper. This was the end result:

40 - 39 1/2? WTF does that mean?

Brest? WTF!?

West? WTF! Is that Vest or Waist? Or is that some Eastern European Hybrid?

I'm screwed. If I get 40" legs I'm going to look like Josh Baskin* after Zoltan granted his wish to go back to being a kid. However if i get 40" minus 39/12 I'll be so much worse off.

I had planned on slipping him a Lincoln ($5) for his efforts...but the results warranted a different kind of Lincoln (either a penny or a "Sic semper tyrannis"). Even still I scanned the measurements and sent them to my buddy in Baltimore which elicited a quick "Are you fucking kidding me reply?". I stood my ground and told him to submit the measurements just to get a reaction from the Baltimore counterpoint. Of course the tux guy there was dumbfounded. Rightfully so. I ended up having to spend a hungover Sunday in Men's Warehouse pretending like I was interested in buying crap so I could get some measurements.

Days later as I was dropping more dry cleaning off (to get stained), my one eyed friend asked how the tux measurements went. This is how the conversation went:

Boris: How did the tux fit?
Del: Oh, well the wedding isn't for awhile...
Boris: Ah, but fitting good...
Del: Actually, don't tell your friend but the guy in Baltimore could not follow the drawings...
Boris: What you mean. It was clear as day?
Del: Um, I don't know, he just said it was hard for him to follow..
Boris: Maybe HE not professional..
Del: Ha ha, yeah...maybe not...
(long awkward pause)
Boris: Here is your dry CLEANING (in all caps to stress his inflection)
Del: Thanks...oh, looks like the elbows are ripped.
Boris: That was like that before.
Del(mutters "crap" under his breath) Uh...OK. See you next time.
Boris: See you later Del

You see, He still recalled the name. You can't put a price on that...and laziness. Part of me wishes I stuck with the original measurements as an ode to Chris Farley. It's not often that my physique can pull of a "fat guy in a little coat" moment. This was my chance. ...and i squandered it!

*Josh Baskin: Don't ever do a yahoo search on "Big".
Also try : hot fat big girls black, big horse woman hot WTF????

Filth Of July: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Ruining Family Time

2008-07-09T15:53:00.000-07:00

How to Ruin a Lake's Worth of Family Vacations in 10 Easy Steps.
(now with pictures and videos)

1) Grow creepy 'staches: Hide the women and children, and the PBR...and the rebar while you're at it.

2) Purchase Big Dog shirts: Not just one for yourself mind you. EVERYONE needs to have one. The worse the slogan on the back, the better. Think back to all the Johnsons /Co-Ed Naked Sports shirts you may or may not have owned in the past. Even better, since you are all in Big Dog shirts you are given license to shout "HEY BIG DAWG" at each other in a Cosmo Kramer voice whenever you'd like.

3) Embrace your inner child: Sure a grown man, sporting a porno 'stache, "floating" on a purple dragon might seem a bit creepy...but hey, at least he wasn't blowing bubbles as he paddled around. Girl with heart sunglasses blowing bubbles = cute. Man w/ 'stache blowing bubbles = the reason things like "Megan's Law" exist.

4) Excessive Drinking: Drink as much as you can, regardless of the intake going on around you. Chug multiple Lake Arrowhead souvenir mugs and then mark your territory the way The Serrano* used to.

5) Nipples: Sex, Hugs, and Violence: If you have a nipple ring, rip it out. If you are wearing a self made Jager tank top, whip it out. If you have a Cougar waiting in the wings, let her lick it out. Damn the families. Their faces will be blurred out in the pics in the same fashion that they will attempt to blur out these nip-isodes.

6)Slam Dance: That is what the 80's were for my friend. You can't rock those classic songs and expect people not to kick ass and take names. Those toddlers dancing? Collateral damage.

7) Waste beer in creepy ways: I'll let the video speak for itself:

Beer Flash Dance from del lefevre on Vimeo.

8) Steal stuffed animals from defenseless pre-teens. Do horrible things to said stuffed animal: Sure the monkey liked it and they exchanged numbers that night. Matt said he'd call..but let's be honest here people, that was just an Arrowhead hook up. Matt ain't calling. Poor monkey.

9) Jaeger Bombs: Offer anyone and everyone Jaeger Bombs. People love that, and if they don't accept, then you're ~~not~~ less accountable for what happens when you drink all the extras. I blame you strangers for making me drink countless Jaeger Bombs.

The Never Ending Question from del lefevre on Vimeo.

10) Dance Off Circle: Thunder Dome Style. Vote for your favorite dance off finishing move in the comments. The Arrowhead families were eerily quiet. I can't figure out why.

Breakin - Dance Off from del lefevre on Vimeo.

Follow these ten surefire steps and you're guaranteed to rule the tiny little town you visit on your next three day weekend. See you in August @ Arrowhead for the Pink Floyd cover band: Which One's Pink.

That band name is worse than anything you've just seen.

Enjoy this full vimeo of the "concert"

Lake Arrowhead 07/05/08 - remix from del lefevre on Vimeo.

And yeah, that was Todd from the Crazy Doggs in that video.

Do the Doggy Bounce!

* Serrano:

Members of the Serrano tribe are part of the Shoshonean subset of the Uto-Aztecan group of Native Americans. Serrano means highlander. They were an offshoot of the Takic people that arrived in Southern California around 2,500 years ago. When the Spanish missionaries came into the region, they helped form the tribal name Serrano, separating them from their neighbors that were designated as the Gabrielino and Kitanemuk.

The Serrano historically populated the San Bernadino Mountains and extended down to the Mojave River region down to the Tejon Creek.

Hip to be Square: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love "& The NEWS"

2008-07-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

After seeing the trailer for Pineapple Express I thought I reached the peak of my movie excitement potential. I was wrong. I just listened to the upcoming movie's theme song, and it's badass. This won't be a rambling post because to describe the awesomeness of the theme song it shall only take me five sweet words: Huey-Lewis-and-The-News!.

Fuck Yeah!

Check out the LakeShore myspace page to hear the full track. Prepare to get off the page asap after that...otherwise you'll be subjected to hearing Mike Myers, as "The Love Guru", covering "The Joker by the Steve Miller Band.

Not a good time.

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Now playing: Huey Lewis and the News - The Power of Love

Flip You...Flip You For Real: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Ridiculous Purchases

2008-06-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

My past impulse (read: drunk) purchases have been well documented. It was said that I would be unable to top the white linen suit that I purchased weeks ago. I think I may have proved the naysayers wrong.

The back story to this purchase is that I go through digital cameras like Bihler goes through bottles of Andre's. FAST! I'm now on my fourth digital camera since i moved out to LA. That's about one camera every six months. Not a favorable ratio for Deltron (yeah i spoke in the third person, deal with it!). Stuff breaks, I can live with that. The tragedy here is that I never really earned the camera destroyer reputation. Each Canon Elph was damaged by non Del actions.

1) Canon SD400 5.0 megapixels - After all my drunk adventures my camera was fine and in tip top shape till I went home for a visit and someone at a family BBQ dropped it. You could tell they were psyched to have me home. "He's home for a visit, let's smash his shit!". No one fessed up but my grandmother looked VERY suspicious. Before I could even ask her what happened she blurted out, in broken english, "Why you look at me? I do nothing!". Helluva poker face Grandma. Well played. I forgave her but I will not forgive her for the countless times she gave my twin bro a Tensky and gave me the shaft when we were kids. I guess $10 is the going rate for being named Eugene. Actually come to think of it she is forgiven for that too. Eugene3030 just sounds lame!

2) Canon SD500 7.1 megapixels - Bihler, Cinco De Mayo. Nuff said.

3) Canon SD1000 7.1. megapixel - Two weeks ago my camera was in great condition and on it's way to Lake Arrowhead. I had a Saturday full of beer and Led Zeppagain. Good times, all documented on the camera till the encore. Led Zeppagain must have rocked harder than I recalled because my camera stopped working and there was no droppage this time. Instead there was some mystery message of "Lens Error, please restart camera". I came to learn this was camera talk for "You somehow got some sand in your lens, even though you weren't near any sand today. You are fucked." There is no reset on the thing, so pretty much you have two options to try and fix the camera

Taking the battery out for a couple of minutes and trying to retract the lens again, or
Banging it on its side to try and dislodge what is is jamming the lens retracting mechanism

The third option is to drink while you let your friend, who thinks she is Schiender from One Day at a Time, try and take apart the camera. Point of advice: If, when asked for a progress report on the repair, the repairer says quite proudly "I am making the screws silver" stop them dead in their tracks. That is Schiender speak for "I am stripping the screws". The camera was a goner...and the shop wanted $150 to fix it. Time to move on to get to brand new camera #4

4 - Olympus Stylus 850 SW 8.0 mega pixel. The major selling point: Waterproof to 10 feet; shockproof to 5 feet. Smash city, population: This guy! I'm pretty brand loyal, but my poor track record with Canon, coupled with the fact that I'm headed to Arrowhead for the 4th of July, made this camera a smart drunk (jumbo shrimp anyone?) purchase.

I state that i was drunk because I left an Amazon window open with the camera, xd card, AND "for a goof" a Flip Mino, all night and then stumbled to my desktop the following morning and pulled the still drunk trigger. Sadly I didn't realize that I sent my purchases to NY. Not cool. Easily fixed*...except the memory card is still in NY somewhere. The funny thing is I could not give less of a shit All thanks to the awesomeness of the Flip Mino, or as I like to call it, "the best thing ever"!

I can't put into words how awesome it is so I will simply post some youtube clips that I made. Added bonus points for letting me make everything "old timey". You'll see in the old timey clip how awesome it is and how it is impossible for me to imagine the novelty of it wearing off. Ever. "Old timey" has already been officially added to the lexicon of anyone who has been around the Flip...and or me. The only other phrase I've heard more than "haha, make that old timey!" is "put that fucking thing away".

I'm talking about the Flip you sick bastards.

Video 1: The camera got delivered while I was on a conference call. Hello Old Timey, Goodbye attention span.

Video 1: Old Timey's glorious debut. This is Linda, the Interep receptionist. Badass woman.

Video 3: Past Meets Present.** Old timey with the Wii & Albert Hammond Jr

video 4: Last night's Edit one - Old Timey Drinks

video 5: Last night's edit two - As much as I love Old Timey, I have to say the heavily edited, all by the Flip and Muvee, version with the Hold Steady score is so well done.

* Amazon has the best customer support ever. You feed your cell number into a box on the site and they call you back. No sitting around on hold like a jackass. They called back in less than five minutes.

** past meets present. New blog perhaps?

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Now playing: Stevie Wonder - Sir Duke

Beat It Him: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Listen More Closely

2008-06-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

A friend and I have been battling on Muxtape this week. The challenge was to see who would pull the best 12 song (the mix tape limit) 80's CD. Mind you, the date range actually goes 1979-1990... Quite a challenge considering I'm "27"*. That being said, I think that I did fairly well. The only rule of engagement was that we could only use one song per year...and no repeat artists. (and no loophole tricks like having a Genesis song and then having a Phil Collins song.)

Here is mine
Here is hers
Vote at the bottom of the blog!

She went above and beyond the call of duty by relabeling each track to match a time and place or feeling that the song evoked. Great work, especially when you get to find out her favorite song of ALL TIME is by Starship. Correction, her favorite song is the THEME SONG to Mannequin by Starship! How awesome is that? Earning lots of points in my book.

Props having been given, I still think that I blew her out of the water.

I should mention that it was implied that you had to pick songs that you REALLY listened to around that time. God knows I'd like to say I was rockin' out to Echo and the Bunnymen's "The Killing Moon"...but that awesome song did not grace my ears till my first viewing of "Donnie Darko". "The Killing Moon" came out in 1984, when Michael Jackson ruled the charts. While I did not ultimately decide to include any Michael Jackson tracks on my playlist, MJ does bring back a rather ~~fun~~ traumatic childhood memory.

1984 - "White Lines" is the trigger of this memory. No, Young Del was not blowing lines. Break dancing was the drug of choice. I tried my hardest to perfect the art, but it never really took. A damn shame, as I would have owned my catholic school courtyard with my windmills and head spins. I was no Ozone...not even a poor man's Turbo. Damn their Electric Boogaloo. My only recourse was to fall back to what was easy, and nothing was easier than aping Michael Jackson. Anyone can pull off a moon walk while wearing one glove and white socks.

A sad, sad side note: I would wear a winter mitt (didn't have gloves) and try to moonwalk in the middle of a scorching, humid NY summer on my back deck. Luckily for me there are no pictures**.

Now to the music... Back then people would buy record singles, and I was a big enough sucker to have purchased the record singles for both MJ's "Beat It" and Weird Al Yankovic's HILARIOUS parody "Eat it". However even after a big purchase like that I stopped listening to "Beat it" pretty quickly. And for an extremely good reason! As youngster i guess my ear for music wasn't fully developed and because of this I would butcher the words to songs. This led me, in "Beat It" to hear and sing "Showin' How Fucky Strong Is Your Fight" when the actual words were clearly "Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight". Repeated over and OVER again.

Now I'm friggin' YOUNG, so "fucky" had LIT-TRA-LEE the same exact meaning to me as "funky" (I didn't know how to get funky or fucky back then. Now...still a bit unclear.) Unfortunately my mom felt differently, took the title of the song quite literally, and out came the dreaded "wooden spoon".

...And that's when "Beat it" was retired from young Del's record rotation. That is your Del story of the day.

*That's right 27. Don't question it.

** Being the child of six the novelty of taking pictures and general parenting pretty much wears off after #3. A Blessing and a Curse.

Clowning: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love In Rainbows

2008-06-08T17:42:00.000-07:00

Currently at the beer garden there is a clown...her name is Rainbow. Turns out She comes from a long line of clowns. She was born into the art of clowning ...and now she is trading balloons for beer. She is clearly out of her mind. Of all the days to forget my camera! God bless this place...AND GOD BLESS CAMERA PHONES.

I got her business card so if anyone is looking for an ecstasy cigarette smokin, beer swigging , fake picture taking* clown who may or may not be on Quaaludes let me know

S he somehow won 1st place in a clowning competition the night before. That seemed crazy to me because who the hell is throwing a clowning competition and secondly she was one step away from being as terrifying as Pennywise. Who the hell was voting on this?

*she took pictures of people with a really nice nikon slr...but the camera had no film in it. I couldn't make sense of this practice no matter how much i drank.

END NOTE: as amusing as she was, she's hardly a replacement for the one man band. I miss hearing "Like A Rolling Stone".

Jamba Chamberlain: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Unnecessary Yelling

2008-06-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

Mondays are notoriously tough. Even when my Sunday funday only consists of three "dingers" and a netflix starring Diane Lane I still could feel like crap. (speaking of crap, will someone please call Diane Lane's agent. "Untraceable*" = unbearable.)

I'm not going to say "I just can't hang anymore" because that simply isn't the case. I'm strong like bull. Friday and Saturday were solid late night boozefests that resulted in me:

Walking half drunk to the Promenade to get my car on Saturday morning...and stopping at Macy's to buy a ridiculous linen suit** for...

a wedding on Main St near the beach that allowed me to walk from my apt to an open bar that was more than happy to serve me 15+ red bull vodkas...that in turn had me up at 5am thinking it would be a good idea to pop "Red Dawn" in the dvd player. Who doesn't like to hear the birds chirping to the sunrise as C Thomas Howell*** belts out one of his signature "Wolverines!" victory chants?

Oh my roommates that are trying to sleep, that's right.

The point of this recap isn't even to explain why I'm still feeling quite hungover today or why my liver and I are on a break. To tell you the truth there might not even be a point but let me go on. When I'm hungover I usually have no appetite and today was no exception. The trick is to not embrace this feeling as it is a mirage. Knowing this I went to Jamba Juice at 2pm and got myself a Citrus Squeeze w/ a protein boost and an extra immunity boost. (isn't it obvious I'm into healthy living? My body is a temple!) Like I said it's 2pm on a monday. I guess this is a dead time for the Jamba runs because I was the only person in the store. Even though I was the ONLY person in the store the Jamba Barista, if that what i should be calling her, still felt the need to yell out "DEL!......DEL!" as my order came up. Knowing there was NO ONE else in the store I looked to my left and then to my right while keeping my eyes trained on her. On her third "Del" I held up my receipt and said "That's me".

I had to respect her commitment to the Jamba workflow...but come on, I was LITERALLY**** the only person in the place.

That's it. End of story.

Notes:

*blu ray is doing Diane Lane no favors!

** No tucking in, no socks, and cargo pockets to hold the bb and the canon. A Del dream, if it didn't look so ridiculous~~ly awesome~~. The looks at the bars after the wedding: Less awesome. The drunk homeless man on the bench in front of a strip club asking me if I was a College Professor: awesome. Pictures***** to follow.

*** That's two blogs in the last ten days to reference C Thomas Howell. I need help. Seriously. Thank god the Manhattan Beach Six Man isn't till August. No Side Out references till then.

**** when reading this word in any of my blogs please make sure to read w/ a cockney accent.

***** Here it is, in all of its glory:

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Reminiscing

2008-05-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

It's time people. I'm moving some blogs over here in preparation for my cancellation of the myspace account. So long endless surveys and glitter graphics. You will not be missed.

From the Vault Vol I: Dance Dance Revolution: or How Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being Bombed

Let me start off by saying by no means am I, what people would call, a "dancing machine". I'm not a club guy; I'm a dive bar guy. However, there are certain venues that force your hand into dancing. The venue for this story is a family wedding. The dance style is the Del mode. The Del Mode repertoire consists of the obligatory slow dances and a deadly 1-2 fast dance combo of spins and dips. Now that you know my limited arsenal, we can press onward and downward.

I have 4 sisters. This fact in and of itself is its own horror story. Lets move on. At my sister Kelly's wedding, I was drinking vodka like it’s my job and I felt quite good. I wish everyone felt as good at that time. However, I noticed one of other sister's friends, Jamie, looking upset and lonely. Turns out that Jamie and my sister, Amy, high-school best friends & 4 year college room mates, had a falling out and were not speaking to each other. I tried to broker a peace treaty to no avail. My sister wanted nothing to do w/ it. I decided it would be best for me to leave the situation alone (as best to avoid a scene. Foreshadowing). After a few more drinks I decided the poor girl needs something to take her mind off this. She needs to dance.

As I stated earlier, I am NOT a dancer. I hate it. I don't think the human body was built to do it. Even still, if it would make this girl feel better and keep her from breaking into tears who was I to dismiss the notion. AND, as I earlier explained, my repertoire consists of: Spin, Spin, dip, Reverse Spin, dip, Spin. Repeat. (drunk) People seem to enjoy it. We were dancing, it was going well, and she seemed at ease. I went for one of the later spins after the dip, and my forearm cracked her directly square in her right temple. The force of the impact sent her head flying backwards.....and her hair with it. I'm staring at my sister's friend, Jamie, who now does not have hair on her head. I am equal parts shocked & bewildered. Turns out, she had a brain tumor removed and her hair had yet to grow back. I look down behind her and on the floor is the most natural looking wig I've ever seen. Sitting there. Taunting me. I shuffle quickly to pick it up, barely avoid punting it, and quickly throw it back on her head. HOWEVER, I put it on backwards...and it turned into a crazy wig mullet. She was a good sport (i.e. drunk) and laughed for a bit...my family and my girlfriend, not as amused. Turns out, the rift in the relationship between my sister and Jaime was that Amy refused to visit and or call Jaime during her stay in the hospital. When I learned this and asked her how she could be so callous, she replied "you know, a phone works both ways". R U kidding me??!!

What did we learn from this story?

I now, for the most part, drink beer exclusively.
I try and steer clear of the dance floor.
I have a sister who may or may not be Satan

From the Vault Vol II: The LA Spanish Prisoner Scam or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Shower

I recently moved from NY to LA. Part of the company transfer package included hiring professional movers for me. What did this mean? Well I drank the whole last week and did absolutely nothing to prepare myself for a cross country move. I woke up at 6:30 am on moving day. With the movers to arrive in mere hours I tried powering through some laundry and organizing stuff into two groups: storage and Brentwood. The storage group consisted of all the things that would be moved in once I found my permanent residence. The Brentwood stuff consisted of clothes (work and leisure) my PC, bedding, and a few odds and ends. Now in my chaotic state I packed all of my bathroom products in storage. Sweet. That just about brings us up to speed to present day. So, for the past three weeks I've been living off of a combination of the drugstore travel aisle and sponging off my room mate Nell. She's a girl, and as a girl she's obligated to have 10-12 full shampoo bottles in her shower at any given time. The sharing system seemed to be working quite well (sans the ironic mustache I had to sport because of the brutal pain the travel aisle disposable razor caused) until today. Nell informed me that the other barren shower was quite usable and I should from this day forth be using it. Fair enough, I thought, she's dealt with my shower product sponging far long enough, and it was a graceful way to tell me to get my own. I do however recall her complaining of a mildew issue in the other bathroom. But I suppose as a squatter in the apt I can deal with a bit of mildew.

I left work with the task of getting some new toiletries . Exiting the parking garage and making a right, I came to a Longs Drugs. Now I inadvertently blew past the parking and my options were to illegally park (where you normally can legally Tu-Su) right in front of the doors, or to drive around the block. Anyone who works in Westwood would agree with my decision to illegally park. I had a small list: shampoo/conditioner in one (being a guy, this is what we look for: efficiency), some bodywash (a must have, as popular advertising has convinced me if I use it beautiful girls will lose their inhibitions. Seems like a no brainer, and much cheaper than cocaine), and then the travel aisles staples of: floss sticks, mouthwash, and pain inducing disposable razors. At this point I was golden. I'd been in the store for 90 seconds. I grabbed some gum and a kit kat and headed towards the register. Then I realized that I didn't grab Q-Tips (cotton swabs to be accurate). I asked if it would be OK to run back and grab them... She said of course and told me the aisle. I ran, grabbed them and headed back...where I saw her having an extended conversation with the customer who was originally behind me with her annoying pug. Common social decency wouldn't allow for me to say "lady no one gives a damn about your stupid ass pug" so I had to sit there while they blabbered away. Still feeling good, I patiently waited as they finished up their little stop n chat. She rang me up, I swiped my card and I left. I walked over to the Prius still in record time (6 minutes tops) and headed out on my way. I felt like I'd one upped the system. It felt good. That was until at high speeds I saw a piece of paper flapping under my wiper. How the hell could I possibly have gotten a ticket in less than six minutes? Is this some elaborate scam Nell has with the City Of Los Angeles? Get them comfortable, and then send them out one day for an unnecessary bottle of shampoo, and BAM the scam springs into action. I wonder how many people have fallen for this trap before me. The whole ride I wondered how much the ticket will be for. I considered throwing my arm out the window to grab it, but I fought the urge. Finally I parked and grabbed the ticket. $65. mother fucker. So, in essence I bought a $67 pack of q-tip cotton swabs. Lets hope I scrape some gold out of my ears.

Damn Nell, Damn LA, Damn that pug.

From the Vault Vol III: Scratching on the Eight Ball of Life: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Tiny Taunter.

A long long time ago I dj-ed in a bar. It was always dead early 8-10ish so i would play either pool or video bowling. The bar was named Surfside, which was a bizarre name for a bar not located even remotely near a beach. At this bar there was tons of shady regulars. The type of dudes who would not hesitate to finish off the sandbagged beers. I'd play pool against them and win. A nice ego boost. However my world came crashing down when a midget with his own stick came into the bar.

I'm not sure if you've ever noticed this...but midgets (dwarfs, little people, etc) are the most surly lot of handicapped that you will EVER run into. They have a Napoleon complex X 100. This guy, man i wish i could recall his name, would talk smack from the very second he would enter the bar..

while he was waiting to play
while he was screwing his stick together
while he was shooting
while you were shooting.
while cobbling shoes

So much smack talk. By and large it was funny. Having a midget talk smack in pool, you have to assume will be a rarity in your life, so you soak it up. He would climb down from his stool like a little monkey, and while on the tips of his toes, lean on the table and do some crazy ass midget one armed shot. It was the only way he could reach the balls, but it proved to be quite effective.

He would make a shot here and there...but he wasn't a great player. Sure he was the best midget player, but not the best player. His tiny little midget arms and legs really restricted him from many a shot (and there wasn't a bridge for him to fall back on...and if there was I wouldn't have hesitated to yell out "pussy", midget or no midget, if he did use said phantom bridge.)

Anyway...I'm barely beating him....and I'm on the 8 ball...and he is taunting me like crazy....and of course, I scratched it.

I'm crushed. i was just beat my a little person. Normally you do the post game handshake, but he instead climbed up to his stool and said "nice choke job", and for added insult, put his little midget hands up to his neck and mimed choking. I was furious. He'd sporadically show up in the bar from time and time again with his stupid little pool cue case and play other people....but i refused.

What did we learn from this story? i hate people who bring pool cues....big or small.

AND of course, midgets are EVIL!

side note: he once fell off the stool...i should have felt sorry for him....but i didn't

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Now playing: Wilco - Radio Cure

Summer Movies or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Same Old Schtick

2008-05-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

After sitting through the awesomeness of Iron Man and the un-awesomeness of the new Indy flick i decided it was time to think of what six* "summer" movies I was most excited for. Obviously I had to throw the summer in quotes so you friggin movie snobs would realize I'm placing my finger on the pulse of the nation and going with my dumbed down summer comedy list.

Step Brothers: Will Ferrell playing the standard Will Ferrell man child + John C Reilley playing Will Ferrell = Genius. I know I'm a simpleton for eating this low concept vehicle up...but so what! It's on record that I hated "Chungking Express" and loved "Cabin Boy". Sue me.

Tropic Thunder: Everything about this movie screams awesome (sans the bad UPN-esque title). Ben Stiller channeling his inner Cruise, Jack Black channeling his inner Eddie Murphy, The RDJ channeling is inner C Thomas Howell by way of Soul Man. What more could a person ask for?

Choke: Sam Rockwell = The most underrated character actor out there.

The Wackness: Ah the summer of 1994. Good times. Funny how come I don't see anyone mopping up the floors of a Carvel after the fat sweaty masses descended on the Rocky Road "Banana boats" at midnight like there was an oncoming famine. Hmm, I guess I'm the only one who rocked the summer nights of '94 like that. Showing up at a house party when all the kegs were kicked w/ some stolen Fudgie the Whales and Cookie Pusses = Teenage Del swimming in the ladies.

FAT FAT ladies.

Pineapple Express: Aptatow's crew strikes again. To think if everyone had watched "Freaks and Geeks" none of this would have been possible

The Fist Foot Way: It is impossible for me to not see this after viewing the trailer. Andrew W.K. music and beating on old people is as close as a 2 minute clip can get to logging me into Fandago and preordering a ticket for me....with out actually doing so.

The Anti Awesome Award:
You Don't Mess With the Zohan: Almost a tie w/ Mike Myers' "The Love Guru". At least that has Alba. Oh Adam Sandler, I understand you need to give Rob Schnieder steady work, but come on this is getting ridiculous. Who would have thunk you could have sunk lower than:

Little Nicky
Mr Deeds
Anger Management
The Longest Yard
Click
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"

I guess that's what happens when you peak w/ your first movie. That's right I just called "Billy Madison" the peak of fine cinema. Screw Off.

*the blog started as my "three movies" but I had a hard time picking just three. I have commitment issues.
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Now playing: team9 vs. Stereogum - It's A Sweet Ghost Party

Weezer's New Video: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the InterWEB

2008-05-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

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Now playing: Here's the video for Weezer's new single. I've just fallen in love with the band and their music all over again thanks to this new video. Good to see Ms Teen South Carolina expanding on her 15 minutes of fame.

Note: I never understood why the Chocolate Rain guy was meant to be amusing to me. It just never took. Kind of like that shower you take on a hungover morning. You really never feel all that clean.

Or is that just me?

I've said too much...

Crash Course: or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Hate Facebook

2008-04-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

Bad things happen in threes. That's the old adage. Lets check the score card

1) one of my og Los Angeles Sunday funday drinking partners up and left the sunny goodness that is The Beer Garden and LA and drove off towards the rainy sunset of the pacific North West. A huge loss. Some might say irreplaceable. That said, tomorrow we will be fielding applications at On The Waterfront for her replacement. Be there anytime from 1pm to 8pm. Bring your resume.

2) Work decided that I needed to move my office space. I'm going from a sweet corner window office with a killer view to a windowless war bunker with a desk from the 1830's and a couch that looks as if someone may have given birth on it. Hardly the worst part. No, the worst part is that the water cooler resides right outside my new door. This will undoubtedly increase the stop and chats I'm forced to absorb. I'm not sure I'm ready for the inevitable "Hey, just getting a little h20! Gotta stay hydrated!" or "Barkeep, how about a nice tall cold one!". Damn the person who said the human body needs eight glasses a day. Can't these people just do what everyone else does and binge drink at night and then drink gatorades (since it's LA i suggest Gatorade's H2. Half the carbs, FATTY!) the next day. The only saving grace of this move is that I'm now off the main hall and I have direct access to the Houdini escape hallway.

3) Lost. I went to the dodgers game on Thursday and watched Joe Torre bungle another lineup. So glad that people are finally finding out what a sham of a manager he is. Who bats Matt Kemp 8Th?? Never liked any of those damn Torres. Screw him and his annoying sister and brother. (ed note: his sister is a nun and his brother is a cancer survivor. Del go straight to hell, do not collect $200!). After the Dodger game i was convinced to go Wee Britain's #1 hotspot Britannia instead of being responsible and watching Lost. Turns out it never really mattered because my DVR decided to record "Bingo America" (damn you Grace) instead of Lost. I know its only a TV show, but it's kind of a big deal. My phone and email was peppered with OMGs and WTFS on Friday from fellow Lostites. Not pleased.

So there you have it bad times in threes. And then came the dreaded four. Four is the whore of them all. She really fucked me. Allow me to explain:

Friday morning, I woke up with relatively no hangover. Pretty surprising since I stayed in wee Britain till 2am. I'm guessing the dodger dogs absorbed most of the damage. I was in such good shape I figured I'd leave early and stop for some gas and a windshield washing. After that i hit Lincoln and being a bit early Lincoln was cruising at a nice crisp 40 miles per hour. While cruising I grabbed my blackberry and took a glance at my "Facebook Mobile". "Come on Fetch those status updates, I really need to see my friend's ex-girlfriend's 8th status update of the morning" i said to myself as I looked up and saw an SUV parked right in front of me. I jammed on the brakes to no avail. We have contact. Awesome. luckily for them they had a tank of an SUV that registered zero damage. Unawesome for me, my cat pee stained Prius was banged up.

This is the part of the story when I explain that I've been driving w/ a suspended license since 12/17/07. Of course whenever anyone hears "suspended license they conjure up images of some shady ass drunk dude who may or may not run over homeless people. That's not the case here. My suspension is relative to paperwork and politics. Lousy democrats!. I moved from NY to Cali 2 years ago but only recently changed over to Cali plates. In doing so I mailed my old plates back to NY. The NY DMV never received them. This caused a domino effect that led to my cali license getting suspended. So let's recap: Hungover Del, driving w/ a suspended license, rear ended an SUV. Not good. Out came the SUV passengers and they were elderly and speaking a great deal of broken English. Even worse. We exchanged information, and by this I mean I gave them my insurance card and license to write down as i scanned Lincoln Blvd for the LAPD. If a cop were to show up I'd be in the clink for the weekend. I've seen enough episodes of OZ and watched Shawshank Redemption on TBS far too many times. Boggs and the sisters are relentless. I didn't need any hardened lifers calling me a Fish. I don't know what that means and I wasn't about to find out. We banged out the info exchange quickly and the cops never showed. The only thing i said to the elderly couple was "Why were you stopped?" to which they responded with well I'm not exactly sure what they said. They did have a third passenger with them who acted as a translator for them Sadly he translated from very broken English to slightly broken English. I think he said they stopped because the car in front of them stopped short. Damn that phantom invisible car.

Damn you Wonder Woman.

So I'm thinking my Lollapalooza money is now going towards paying to fix my Prius. Damn that cursed car. I want to get rid of it asap. Maybe get a Smart Car. Smart Car + Dumb Driver = Hilarity and Hijinx.

Today I will lick my wounds with my Bad Things in ~~Threes~~ Fours by listening to the NFL Draft at the beach w/ my roommate's boombox like my name was Radio Raheim. Does anyone have 12 D batteries?

Johnny 5 Alive: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Input

2008-04-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

Short Circuit's' Johnny 5 still alive

Dimension acquires rights to remake 1986 film

Let's try and look past the stupidity of a Short Circuit remake (I mean why remake a flawless movie) and let's focus on the insanity that is Virginia R. Smith.

Take some time and browse around. Her love for Johnny 5 is hysterical...and terrifying. I'm guessing 89-90 was not one of her best years.

How I learned to Stop Worrying about Youtube and Love Break.com

2008-02-27T16:20:00.000-08:00

My roommate last night insisted I watch the new Jimmy Kimmel "answer" video to Sarah Silverman's "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" song. I was dismissive at first but she got me to break. Now for your viewing pleasure I've posted it and all the videos that led up to this masterpiece. Thank God the writer's strike ended. These things are gold! Sadly my office blocks youtube so You'll have to deal with Break.com videos.

Matt Damon Storms Off Jimmy Kimmel Set - Watch more free videos

Guillermo Bourne Ultimatum - Watch more free videos

Shes Screwing Matt Damon - Watch more free videos

Hes Screwing Ben Affleck - Watch more free videos

SuperBowl Recap

2008-02-04T11:11:00.000-08:00

The Giants WON!

My Kitchen LOST!

that is all

How I Learned to Stop Smoking and Love the Resolutions

2008-01-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

The Date is 01/22/08. Today is officially my New Year's Day. Sure everyone else recognizes the New Year as 01/01, but I just wasn't ready to let go of some things. It was too soon.

22 extra days later, I think I'm ready. It's time for change.

So Long Cigarettes: Here is an open letter to my love:

Cigga Rette,

I know we kind of moved fast and I acted like I was ready to go the distance with you, but I think we were fooling each other. What we had in Austin WAS real and it will always hold a special place in my heart. I knew we should have ended it there, but you helped me through a rough patch in September and I will never forget that. I think that made us go too hard and too fast. We're fooling ourselves. This isn't working. We need to make a clean break. I love you but I hate you. You'll find someone knew and it will crush me when you do but its the right thing for us. Ciga Rette, in the words of Chicago (sans the immortal Peter Cetera):

If we meet on the street some day, and I don't know what to say, look away, baby, look away.

Always and forever,

Deltron 3030

Hello Gym: There was a healthy living stretch of time in my life in 2007 (lets ball park it at January-August) where I was hitting the gym on average four times a week. An amazing feat when you consider these two major facts about me:

I'm a binge drinker.
Before January 1st 2007 I had NEVER set foot in a gym.

Knowing that, 4-5 days a week of working out was pretty impressive.

<-By no means was I in tip top "River Hudson" post-steroids shape, but I had no gut and was not sporting the concave chest that I'm currently rocking. Now that I've broken off the long engagement with Lady Tobacco, I should have more free time to spend at the gym. I prepped for it by hitting GNC for a case of vanilla protein shakes. Not only are they surprisingly delicious but they are an amazing substitute for egg whites. Hungover egg whites very well might be the worst tasting breakfast food known to mankind.

Sans Soda: I don't really love it. Why not drink water instead? Truth be told, the only time I really seek it out is when I'm finishing off a Wendy's order with "I'll take a Biggie Coke with that!" So I guess it stands to reason if I avoid "combo meals" (lets face it, I'm not giving up fast food!) I can avoid soda. My question: If i replace soda with Snapple Iced Teas, am I really improving anything?

Bastard up: I'm not 100% sure if I can fully elaborate on this yet, but don't worry I will only "bastard up" when it is warranted. I still very much fear the retribution of Lady Karma.

Blogging more: There have been plenty of great events and stories that went unblogged in '07 out of sheer laziness. I'll try and correct this. I think my recent disdain for myspace should directly aid in this endeavor. Although, I have noticed I've been spending far too much time on Facebook of late so this might be a push. I need to cram in as much as I can before baseball season starts.

Now that we have all that out of the way, I can bring you my top ten movie list of 2007. I started writing this on the 5th of January and I never got past the first sentence. Here it is now, coming out appropriately enough on New Year's Del.

10) Talk to Me - The anti "The Great Debaters" . Hmm, that might not be the best way to describe it. Anti-"Great Debaters" sounds a bit racist. Allow me to elaborate. "Talk To Me" centers on the story of a man overcoming personal demons to become a success in a time and place when no one expected it from him. Yes he is black, but the movie doesn't stoop to pushing the race card that the "Remember the Titans," "Pride" and "The Great Debaters" push. Are those movies even trying? I like to think that if I were African-American I'd find "Talk To Me" as uplifting as that Hallmark schlock, but twice as refreshing. It just offers up so much more. Cheadle can do no wrong in my eyes too.

9) Air Guitar Nation - Following the trials and turbulations of such characters as David "C-Diddy" Jung and Dan "Bjorn Turoque" Crane, I couldn't help but wonder how it took me this long to hear about the World Air Guitar Championships. Bjorn Turoque was a sickening case study in plucky, obsessive determination meets a blatant inability to accept failure. Granted, he was far superior to the one trick pony he kept losing to, but at what point do you admit failure? If you are Bjorn Turoque (great name btw) then the answer would be never!

8) Breach - I'd pretty much see anything Chris Cooper is in, so I was an easy sell for this movie. Even still, I had my doubts as it also starred Ryan Phillippe. I should have known better. The writer /director of this movie is Billy Ray, the same guy who did "Shattered Glass." If he could pull a great performance out of that waste of life named Hayden Christensen, then he could certainly get a tour de force out of Phillippe. Have I mentioned how much I love Shattered Glass? If there's ever a "Del" movie, I'd like Billy Ray to direct and Peter Sarsgaard to act. As my love interest, Rachel Bilson.

7) No End in Sight - A fine companion piece to last years "Why We Fight" and 2007's book "Imperial Life in the Emerald City. Watching this documentary is approximately 1000 times more terrifying than any "Saw"movie. "A scare fest that will keep you on the edge of your seat till the very end" is how you could easily describe this or "Jesus Camp." I didn't watch the credits, but I wonder if everyone who voted for Bush (TWICE!) was listed as "best boys" or "producers". Jackasses.

6) Knocked Up - Sure it was as a bit sappy, but it was pretty relentless with its filth. In my opinion, Kristen Wiig stole this movie with an assist from Charlyne Yi (i.e. the stoned Asian girl). To all the people who praise Judd Apatow and Company let me ask you: Where the fuck were you when he was floundering for ratings on two TV shows??? "Freaks and Geeks" and "Undeclared" deserved two seasons. Maybe if you stopped watching "Touched by an Angel" or "ER," it could have happened. The same goes for anyone who did not watch "Arrested Development." I guess it all worked out as the creative teams for all three shows have gone on to some pretty good projects. You are forgiven Neilsen households. However I can not forgive you for keeping "According to Jim" for seven fucking seasons.

5) Eastern Promises - I went into this knowing exactly zero about the plot. I have a strict code of avoiding all reviews of a movie until AFTER I've seen said movie. Like Frank Costanza, I prefer to go into a movie fresh. I expected "A History of Violence" 2.0, but I got so much more. Mind you, there was far too much male frontal nudity for my taste. Let's say the threshold for such a scene of this nature were one second. That threshold gets shattered in this movie. Shattered isn't even a strong enough word for it, besides that it's a great friggin movie. Hard to believe that this is the same director who brought us "The Fly" and "Scanners." Sure those are great movies....but a different kind of great. This is an ACTUAL great movie. Something you wouldn't be slightly ashamed to have in your DVD collection
(I swear on my life that copy of "Crossroads" was my roommates!")

4) Superbad - Michael Cera is a one trick pony. That said, his one trick is one helluva trick. I could really relate to the character of Evan, especially the almost getting vomited on in bed. Mind you, he's playing a high school student on the verge of graduation and I'm 30 years old. Time to re-evaluate some life choices, Mr. LeFevre. The irony of this sad rant is that the life mirroring film incident occurred on the very same night I saw this movie. What are the chances? I wonder...if I go see "Cloverfield" will a monster attack Santa Monica? If I go see "There Will Be Blood," will I then be bludgeoned to death in a mansion's private bowling alley by a mad with power oil tycoon? I should probably put this theory to test and rent "The Girl Next Door,"or even better "Showgirls."

3) Juno - Michael Cera again. Doing his thing. I wanted to slot this lower because the smugness of the screenwriter, Diablo Cody, left a bad taste in my mouth. I read an EW interview with her and she came across as a snobby, manufactured kitschy, madly in love with herself, douche. So bad that I considered not seeing it. I put my hate on hold and saw it anyway and loved every second of it. Once you get past her forced overly smarmy and verbose teen chatter (think a funnier Dawson's Creek) and embrace that pacing for the movie, you're in for a treat. Added bonus is that the movie has a great soundtrack. How often does a person get to hear TWO Belle and Sebastian songs in one movie? It was a rhetorical question but I'll humor you, not often.

2) Once - This is my bitch boy* movie of the year. Something about it struck a chord in me and my mind lingered on it long after it was over. It was literally the last movie I saw of the year. A friend highly recommend it without divulging any plot points. A high recommendation is usually a curse as a movie can NEVER match the hype once the ball gets rolling (I'm looking at you Cloverfield). Luckily, this person didn't go overboard. If she did, I don't think it would have mattered as I loved this film. It received the rarest of rares in my Netflix rating history: 5 stars*. I'm not sure what struck me so strongly about the movie, but I think it had something to do with the organic feel of it. Made on a shoestring budget ($150,000) in 17 days by real musicians, acting for the very first time (who ended up falling in love as they shot the movie) gave it a realness that no other movie could come close to recreating. It doesn't hurt that the soundtrack written by the two leads is amazing. The soundtrack has been in my car for two solid weeks and I'd leave it in there for two more but I think I'm beginning to grow ovaries.

1) No Country For Old Men - It is a flawless movie. Never did I think I'd love a Western, a Neo-Western at that.....but I did. The Cohen Brothers paint a bleak, yet at the same time, vivid picture of the west. The cinematography is amazing. Dark in parts, funny in others, painful in many, this movie runs the gamut of emotions without ever really switching gears. Impressive work. I became so engaged with what I was watching that I couldn't recall if there ever was a score to the movie. Certainly a movie that needs to be experienced on the big screen...regardless of how big your TV is. Even better, the ending leaves it up to the audience to really decide what you've just watched. I have my thoughts and I'm sticking with them.

added bonus: Josh Brolin's wife in the film is played by Kelly Macdonald. I don't think I've see her since Trainspotting...but I'm still very much smitten.

NOTE (the following movies will have to make 2008's list)

Before the Devil Knows Your Dead - didn't see it
The Assassination of Jesse James - didn't see it
There Will Be Blood - saw it drunk.

*Bitch boy - Bitch boy movies are movies that get me choked up. Not to the point of tears mind you. I guess if I watched one of these, and then I found out my dog got run over, I might lose my shit. You get the idea. The comprehensive list is:

Field of Dreams - This is the defacto man tear jerker. Baseball. It's in our blood.
Big Fish- That end scene when everyone is there to meet Albert Finney by the lake gets me every time.
Once - Not so much a tear jerker, it just leaves you feeling something.
The Notebook - Alzheimer's was never sadder... and sexier.

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Now playing: Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová - Falling Slowly

Delta Delta Delta, Can I help Ya Help Ya Help Ya or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being "Off the Grid"

2008-01-02T18:51:00.000-08:00

Let's start this blog off the way my sister Melissa would start off EVERY school paper and or speech during her entire scholastic career:

"Webster's Dictionary defines a jackass as a male donkey or a stupid person. I can certainly think of another way to define jackass, Del LeFevre. Throughout this essay I will compare and contrast..."

Killer opening! Thanks Melissa.

On to the blog. I've managed to be quite less of a jackass of late. Sure it's taken a lot of work and it has required me to throw a bit less caution to the wind. The end result being less blogs. I've been quite neglectful. Some blame would certainly have to go to my purchase of Rockband. It's kind of a big deal in the 621 Strand Studio. Mind you I'm God awful. Let's chalk that up to my gypsy lifestyle over the past two months. Ok I'm throwing excuses on top of excuses here, let's move on.

I, and the God damn airlines, must have subconsciously realized my blog laziness and rewarded my sloth-like behavior.

As I've stated in the past I'm a kick ass traveler. I haven't gotten up out of my seat on an airplane since August of 2001. That's an amazing feat in and of itself. During that time period I've cultivated a zen approach to flying. Nothing bothers me. Kids screaming? Fine. Fat people pouring over the seat? I'm okay. Old foreign married couple about to dig into two week old foreign leftovers? Enjoy. Nothing rattles me.

On December 30th, I realized I was living a lie. You see all those flights I'd been as healthy as a horse. This flight not so much. Since coming back to NY, I'd been going out more and drinking for longer periods of time (old friends and later last calls = Drunk Del). This had my immune system on the ropes and of course the day before my flight I got trashed for the Giants game. I headed to the terminal with my customary 2 hour window of prep time. All good. I had a layover in Cincy. No big deal. One hour in Cincy wouldn't kill me. In Cincy, the gate announced that the flight was oversold and they'd offer a $400 voucher for anyone who changed their flight to a morning flight. Obviously, a free hotel would be included in the deal. Seemed like a good deal but I had two concerns...

Hmm, if I didn't stay the course I thought my luggage would end up lost for sure.
My pals John and Annie were preparing to pick me up from the airport after they landed. They were currently on a plane of their own so I could not call off the airport pickup. (Compounding point two was the fact that my blackberry was on its last legs for battery...so there was no guarantee of getting a call off when I landed.

I had to pass. It seemed like the most logical thing. What occurred next was the perfect storm of traveling fiascoes.

The flight was delayed.
I was a middle seat between an old fat man, and a younger fat man. Said younger fat man may or may not have had some form of tourette's and LOVED death metal. The only thing he loved more was air drumming to the death metal...while sweating. A LOT!
Hairspray was the in-flight movie.
The old man had an old man bladder. He was the inside seat. That meant a lot of up and downs for me. This required me to interrupt my neighbor's killer drum solo. Even more troublesome was the constant up and down. It was like Satan tempting Jesus in the desert. Getting up and into the aisle. Normally this wouldn't have an effect on me but...
Due to turbulence they were not serving drinks for the ENTIRE fucking flight. I was sick and hungover and my throat was torn to shit. I just needed a little water. I cracked and went into the bathroom and splashed water into my mouth from the low pressure sink. It was a low point. That is till I forgot to lock the door while i was urinating. I blindly slammed the door back shut when someone tried to come in mid stream. Sadly the invader was a tiny toddler with his dad. I crushed the toddler's hand. I had officially lost my zen. Thank God that kid and his angry father were not sitting near me.

All and all a terrible experience. My ipod and my book were little to no solace. Chubby's death metal was overpowering them. I made it through the flight in one piece but I think I looked like Walken at the end of "The Deer Hunter." It seemed as if the worst was over.

I was wrong.

My friends got delayed and would not be able to pick me up at the airport. Worse things could happen I thought as i waited for my luggage.

and waited.
and waited.
and waited.

After sitting at the baggage carousal for an embarrassing amount of time I went in and reported my baggage missing.

So lets go back to Cincy. Remember I passed on getting a free flight voucher and a hotel room because I was concerned about losing my luggage and screwing up my pals. Now I was in San Francisco with no ride and no luggage. Freaking sweet. I headed out to the Super Shuttle and waited to get to The Marina. While waiting, my friends called and said they'd be ordering pizza. I was beyond excited as all that I had during the day was some dirty ass airplane tap water. I literally had nothing else. Sure enough I was the last person to be dropped off. As the van began to approach the apartment I started to text my pal to buzz me in. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the pizza guy getting buzzed in and like a ravenous third world peasant I ran for him. All dignity was officially out the window. I shared my miserable story with John and Annie over some pizza and then went to go charge my phone.

"Hmm...I was kind of in a daze when I came here. I definetly had it though. I wonder where i put it." I said this over and over until I realized I was so excited about the pizza that I bolted out of the Super Shuttle mid text and left my blackberry on the seat.

My name is Del LeFevre, King of the Jackasses.

It was now 3am EST and I was without clothes, a toothbrush, or a phone. Good times. I called the shuttle dispatch office and gave them a timeline of the events and my buddy's number where they could reach me. At this point all I wanted to do was sleep but my buddy INSISTED he show me how sweet "Mario Galaxy" was for the wii. For the record, watching someone play Wii while you're dying of misery is "sweet!" He finally gave up and went to bed and I was able to hit the couch and do the same.

Not 15 minutes later his phone rang. This is what I heard:

John: Hello
Mystery caller: rlkrmkmrk korjgorjnmro
John: Hello
Mystery Caller: gmklrmgrkl lrmfklgmrkl
John Who is this?

Mind you it CLEARLY says "Del LeFevre" on his caller id. It could've really only been one person, my old friend the shuttle driver. I have to take some blame as in my tired haze I forgot to prep my buddy on the driver's thick African/Chinese accent in the off chance that he called.

At this point I felt like George Costanza yelling "Vandelay Industries!" because I was powerless to save the call. I knew it was the driver trying to do the right thing but having a hard time with the language and my friend's lack of help. "Hello. Hello, Who is this" could easily be translated into "Don't ever call here this late ever again or I will have your ass deported!. "

The driver hung up. I got the phone from John and tried calling it back but it was now going to voice mail. The driver was terrified. Rightfully so.

Good times. I did get my luggage the next day so it wasn't a total lost cause. The phone is still missing in action. I'm currently suffering through the early stages of withdrawal from text deprivation - Heightened by my choice to stop smoking cigarettes. (I really embraced the smoker lifestyle in the last few months of 2007. Classy!)

NYE was real solid. The band, which consisted of members of Vertical Horizon and Stroke 9, did a killer cover of the theme song to "National Lampoon's Vacation." I know, I know. Reading that sentence it doesn't add up, but you had to be there. The place went nuts.

note: My one hour flight on Jan 1st was delayed four hours. No phone and a dead laptop forced me to use a pay phone. I now have ear herpes.

note II: I saw this down in "The Mission". Genius really. Who wouldn't want to order some spicy chicken and broccoli with a few glazed donuts on the side

Happy Holidays..you piece of shit or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love False Yuletide Cheer

2007-12-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

Thoughts from a ghost of Christmas past

Someone recently said to me that Christmas was the "fakest holiday". Correction: it’s not the most fake...but it’s the most in your face.

What I like about Christmas:
When people get annoyed with the rudeness of others and they sarcastically say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" with venom soaking through their words. As if hearing those words will make the socially foul person realize the time of year and their transgression. I believe the intended result is an apology or a make good deed. Easily the best part is when they still don't get a reaction and they repeat the false yuletide greeting for effect...and then follow it with a death stare. Getting cut in line @ a crowded department store is a lock for this scenario. Grab a bag of popcorn. Watch the scene develop. The irony of it is they're out buying Christmas presents. After re-thinking it I do believe these people get knocked around all year (you know the type, that person @ at party people instinctively know to make fun of. The type of person that gets bullied by telemarketers. Even dogs can smell the weakness on them and start humping their legs, regardless of sex) and they expect a reprieve during the post thanksgiving-pre NYE window. When their little desperate vacation from torment is not acknowledged they snap like Michael Douglas in "Falling Down". When they say “Merry Christmas” what they’re really saying is “Test me! I have waited on line for over an hour for a Furby, my madness knows no bounds!”

I saw it today. I was eating it up. My shit was grinning from ear to ear...till my ears fell off from the 19 degree weather.

Which mix kicks more ass?
	1980's Jerkface Sandwich
	A Dozen Years