25 Random Face Book things I Hate About You: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Make Mix Tapes

This piece was first published on Intraffik.com.




Let’s get something straight people: You are not funny or insightful. I hate to rain on your parade as this fad seems to be catching speed with every waking breathe but I don’t want to know these factoids about you. I’m sure it feels great to finally let all of your Facebook ‘friends” know that you were born with both male and female genitalia…but. I’m eating breakfast over here! Come on. There has to be a better venue to share this. Try joining the cast of The Real World Brooklyn! Even odder you friend chooses to sandwich her own personal bombshell in between 10) I LOVE coffee and 12) I need caffeine all the time. Really? I’d call you lazy for doubling up on a subject matter but then you go out and outdo yourself with “13) lucky thirteen” and it becomes apparent. You are just not that into yourself. Don’t you realize this is the most narcissistic posting on the most narcissistic website? Embrace it or please stop. Preferably the latter. When I say embrace it mind you I mean try hard and really give me something. Trying hard does NOT mean moving on to “Memories: leave one note about me” or “MY First Born”, or “Ten Things about me...using one word”. This needs to stop. I’m ready to take the steps to end this. No, not by de-friending people, or by moving back to myspace...where at least there were countless myspace whores (I miss you dearly Tila) to water this stuff down. Nor will it be my doing my own standard top 25 (Sure I could tell you that I’ve never had peanut butter before, or chicken mcnuggets for that matter but why would you care?). Instead, through the power of music, the great website 8trax, and a mind like a steel trap, I will bring you my Mix 25. Narcissistic? Yes. However after reading it you will either be too tired to write your own or be so disgusted with my over sharing that you will think better of it. Prepare yourself for the shock and awwww that is “Deltron 3030 is a Mixtape”:

1) The Blues Brothers - Someone to Love: Seeing this movie on TV as a kid I always assumed that Jake and Elwood were twins. They dressed the same and the limited personal experience that I had taught me that was what twins were supposed to do. As much as I hated the twin dress code enforced by my parents wallet I could dream of at least being Blues Brother Twins. No such luck. Damn you matching red blazers and white turtlenecks! I always wondered why we couldn’t dress up like the Blues Brothers instead. I had expressed this on numerous family events when I was made to don the dreaded red blazer but my wishes always fell on deaf or uncaring ears. Imagine George Steinbrenner as a boy …on a fox hunt. That’s what I looked like. I’d rent the movie from the video store when my turn for rentals would come up and hope that my parents would happen across the movie and be inspired by the vision of Jake and Elwood... “Quick kids get in the car; we’re headed to Sears to get the twins matching black suits!” It never happened. Great movie though.

2) Joey Scarbury - Believe It Or Not: I wanted to be the Greatest American Hero. To me he seemed like a far superior alternative to Mork from Mork and Mindy. If you had to be someone from a ABC TV show in the early 80s that wore red superhero tights why not The Greatest American Hero? If you were to ask me one plot point besides the fact that he really wasn’t too good at flying I would draw a complete blank That didn’t stop me from running around the back yard mimicking his failed flight attempts, flailing my arms around with a plastic bag on my back acting as my cape. I’m sure my parents, as they watched from the deck, decided that they should focus all their attention on the other children as I was already a lost cause.

3) Michael Jackson – Beat it. White Lines is the actual trigger of this memory. No, Young Del was not blowing lines. Break dancing was the drug of choice. I tried my hardest to perfect the art, but it never really took. A damn shame, as I would have owned my catholic school courtyard with my windmills and head spins. Sadly I was no Ozone. Not even a poor man's Turbo. Damn their Electric Boogaloo. My only recourse was to fall back to what was easy, and nothing was easier than aping Michael Jackson. Anyone can pull off a moon walk while wearing one glove and white socks. A sad, sad side note: I would wear a winter mitt (I didn't have gloves) and try to moonwalk in the middle of a scorching, humid NY summer on my back deck I’d play the record single for Beat It nonstop and generally drive my siblings crazy. I guess my ear for music wasn't fully developed and because of this I would butcher the words to the song. This led me in "Beat It" to hear and sing "Showin' How Fucky Strong Is Your Fight" when the actual words were clearly "Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight". Repeated over and OVER again. Now I'm friggin' young, so "fucky" had LIT-TRA-LEE the same exact meaning to me as "funky" (I didn't know how to get funky or fucky back then. Now, .still a bit unclear.) Unfortunately my mom felt differently. She took the title of the song quite literally, and out came the dreaded "wooden spoon". That is when "Beat it" was retired from young Del's record rotation.

4) Rick Springfield – Jessie’s Girl: My oldest sibling, Jen, was (and still is. Funny how that works) ten years older than me and was the only source of musical influence in my earliest days. She was spoiled as much as a one of six can be. She’d often let me go through her records and eight tracks. While she was hardly Zooey Deschanel in “Almost Famous” she did have some Devo. Along with that the only other things that jumped out at me at that age were Rick Springfield and the soundtrack to Footloose (both on 8 track!). As I recall she was a bit obsessed with Rick. Jessie’s Girl and “Don’t Talk to Strangers” were played pretty much everyday…that is till she went to fat camp. We all piled into the station wagon and dropped her off at Camp Shane…and then we went to McDonalds for lunch. I’d like to think my parents had a twisted sense of humor, but I know that wasn’t the case. She came back weeks later insisting we all eat fruit salads and cottage cheese for the rest of the summer. Hardly seemed fair as my brother and I were easily the skinniest smallest people in the state of NY, but my parents humored her. Like I said she was spoiled.

5) Hall and Oates: Method of Modern Love: As a kid I had blonde hair and my brother Gene had dark hair. This would lead to easy casting for when we played Chips (damn that bastard got to be Ponch), Dukes of Hazzard (I got to be Bo. He's was more of a "shoot first, ask questions later" type. Badass .Like young del.), and Hall and Oats. This particular duo’s casting was a lose lose situation for all parties involved. Even worse was that for percussion’s sake I would “play” the white living room wall w/ my filthy Daryl Hall hands. I’d be banging away at the wall bongos like a chimpanzee, The whole time thinking I was keeping the beat like a pro. In reality all I was doing was covering the walls with my filthy paw prints. My mom was mot pleased and wall drumming was outlawed. I did learn to spell “M-E-T-H-O-D at a very young age though…so that’s got to count for something. Hall and Oates, educating the youth of the 80s!

6) The Outfield – Your Love: One Christmas my brother and I received a tiny TV that at the time seemed like a 50 inch plasma. This was an old school TV with the two through thirteen dial and the matching UHF dial underneath it. We did not have cable at the time so I would spend countless hours fiddling with the UHF channel dial hoping that if I hit the right number and if I used the tuning dial enough that I would crack some code to get some wild exotic channels (MTV and Nicolodeon). Of course that never happened However one rainy summer night I did pick up a channel that was playing videos and after seeing Janet Jackson jump through a movie screen in “Nasty Boys” I got to hear and see The Outfields “Your Love”. The video was by and large nondescript, but the song made an automatic connection. It was instantly the greatest thing I had ever heard. I went to sleep thinking I had cracked UHF’s secret code and my reward would be an endless stream of music videos. Sadly I woke up to clear skies and snow on my TV. I prayed for rain the rest of the summer.

7) Dire Straits – The Walk of Life: My first tape and I have no regrets to this day.

8) Billy Joel – This is the Time: In the eight grades I had a horrible crush on a girl and had set my sights on asking her to my eighth grade “dinner dance”. I was sure it would play out like a magical episode of The Wonder Years. By then I had out grown my red blazer turtle neck combo, barely, so I needed to upgrade. I’d have my Winnie Cooper by my side and I’d be rocking a new suit. It would be perfect. I just needed to wait for the right time to ask her…and wait…and wait. Sadly my crushing fear of rejection had allowed someone else to swoop in. Fu*k Paul Phieffer and his glasses. I was Kevin Arnold damn it. Fortune rained down upon me I had thought when her date was stricken with the chicken pox. He’d surely have to miss the big dance (in the small gym). I pictured him like John Travolta in “The Boy in the Bubble” crying himself to sleep as I cut a mean rug w/ Winnie Cooper 2.0. Obviously this was all wishful thinking as I couldn’t (and still can’t) cut a mean rug and the bastard had the fastest recorded recovery to the chicken pox in the history of the United States. Defeated I went to the dance stag. I WAS the Paul Phieffer. I just didn’t know I needed the glasses yet. She saved a dance for me though…and of all people to croon this magical moment it had to be friggin Billy Joel. Having her shuffle off back to her date to the end of The Piano Man’s cheesed out plea “You've given me the best of you, and now I need the rest of you.” could not have been more apropos for someone who had yet to learn the meaning of apropos. Let it be known Billy Joel would be dead to me…

9) Queen – Under Pressure: Sadly Billy Joel did not get the memo. He would not stop his taunting of me with that dance trauma. The following fall my parents thought nothing would make for a better family trip than all of us going to see Billy Joel live @ Giants Stadium. I begged for a reprieve. I tried to speak to their wallets sensibilities, explaining that the ticket was costly and they were better off not spending the money on someone who would not appreciate the show. No such luck. I was forced to go. Sure enough it sucked as much as I thought it would…and it rained. The highlight was my sister getting heckled for blocking someone’s view with her giant aqua net infused hair and for my Dad inadvertently creating baseball infused lyrics to Pressure. “Psych 1, Psych 2 What do you know?” became “Strike one Strike Two, The batter is out!”. Perhaps if my mom heard that she’d realize that the “Beat it” incident was in fact a symptom of a genetic lyrical absorption deficiency I inherited from my dad and then I’d be able to demand restitution. Chances are she was taking a smoke break and missed the whole thing. To this day this concert is my secret shame when someone asks “What was the first concert you went to?” It is part of the music fan’s holy trifecta of questions.

1. What was your first tape? Dire Straits “Brothers in Arms”.Pass
2. What was your first concert? Billy Joel “Stormfront”. Epic Fail
3. What was your first cd? Poison “Flesh and Blood”. Pass. Barely. D+

I sometimes will tell people my first show was The Grateful Dead as it was the first show I paid money for. I’d love to use this trick with question #three but my second cd was Andrew Dice Clay, and my third, a confirmation gift, was Vanilla Ice’s seminal classic “Ice Ice Baby”. (Note I used Queen’s Under Pressure here because under the strict unwritten mix tape guidelines I can not use two songs by the same artist, it is a better song revolving around pressure, and lastly it acts ass kick ass transition to #10

10) Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby: I wish I could tell an elaborate story how I received this cd in horror and returned it to the Record Town the next day but nothing could be further from the truth. I was pumped. Months later I would come to realize I was not as pumped as my brother. As I stated earlier I can not cut a rug. My brother got all of those genes. He could break off the Kid n Play toe tap in his sleep. Well he had big plans envisioned for Ice Ice Baby. Fast forward to my sister’s sweet sixteen party. Walking around the party I found my brother, my younger sister and my younger cousin huddled up in the coat check room. I wasn’t sure what they were planning but I could tell the way they were stretching and talking to each other that I would want nothing to do with it. They had their game faces on and exited the room in unison and headed to the mostly cleared out dance floor. My brother shot the dj a knowing look and the room was flooded by the sounds of future shame. As it would turn out the months between my confirmation and my sister’s sweet sixteen these goons mocked up a full step for step recreation of the dance moves in “Ice Ice Baby”, while also adding their own moves when needed. They danced their hearts out that night and the reactions were varied. The birthday girl was utterly mortified. Rightfully so. Her friends of course were amused as hell. These types of shenanigans were what made a party memorable before the advent of booze. All of the older relatives seemed pretty impressed with what they saw which pleased the dance crew greatly. I thought it was hysterical but my amusement was tempered because in the back of my mind I thought perhaps someone on Monday might mistake me for him and expect me to recreate the awkward dance moves. Years later I ended up finding a video of them practicing the dance routine on Thanksgiving. I wasn’t sure what made me laugh harder: viewing the actual tape or the thought of them having a “killer” practice session and then one of them saying “Alright let’s review the tape!”

11) Bell Biv Devo – Poison: As I mentioned my first cd was Poison’s Flesh and Blood. Ironically enough my brother’s first CD was Bell Biv Devoe’s Poison. In retrospect it is a far superior first CD than mine. The title track is timeless and just so happens to be my #1 karaoke jam. A few years ago a bartender who I thought was the bee’s knees worked the karaoke night at my local dive and I would always clam up when the mike came my way. This led to weeks of karaoke blue balls that were finally released when she wasn’t around to see it. Legend has it that it was the most spirited rendition of “Poison” that the area had ever seen. It was a huge hit, ripe with emotion and, from what I hear, furniture tossing during Bell’s “It’s driving me out of my mind…” borderline a cappella solo. I’ve sung it since then and it just hasn’t been the same. It never again had the same power or ferocity. I t could have been the girl, but it probably was the alcohol.

12) Extreme – More Than Words: Not only is it my #2 karaoke jam but it was also a mix tape staple back in the day. I can recall clearly burying in side two for the new girl who transferred from the catholic school. It was genius move. I thought it would be too forward to have the tape open with that. I needed this track to sneak up on her. Lots of planning went into the tape. Unfortunately all that planning could not stop her from exchanging numbers and saliva with the guido who was working the “Italian Feast” that fateful summer night. I went home with out exchanging saliva or the tape and listened to it a few hundred times as I cursed the guido carnie who got to feel the gentle tickle of the slight stache over her full lips. Yeah. She was something special.

13) The Beatles - Lovely Rita: This mix has been a dead zone of music credibility, but one has to be honest with oneself. I had a pretty sub par start as an audiophile. It didn’t help that my family was obsessed with Billy Joel…or that my parent’s record collection had what seemed to consist of 100 Sonny and Cher records. How many damn records did they make? I recall flipping through them once and getting excited when I saw The Who’s “Who’s Next”. One of these is not like the other things. My excitement quickly washed away when I was told that it was my uncle’s. I was on my own again. My saving grace came from the unlikeliest of places, my neighbor Dan. I say unlikely because as far as I knew he was only into speed metal bands, Vic Rattlehead t shirts, and The Dice Man. I imagined his tape collection to look like my parents record collection…if Sonny and Cher preached allegiance to the Dark Lord. Then one day he left a Beatles tape at my house. Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. I had always been close minded about the Beatles because all I ever knew was what most kids knew, the lame “I Wanna Hold your Hand” Ed Sullivan image. I took out whatever tape was in my player (most like the “more than words” mix) and popped in the Beatles. I know it is clichéd but I was instantly floored. I listened to it every night for what must have been three weeks. When I had to give it back to him I had a new respect for him and a wide open mind to anything that was not currently on radio or TV. Now nothing makes me feel better than listening to the Beatles and Sgt Pepper. I need to do it more. I also need to meet a girl named Rita. Would Future Rita get tired of me drunkenly serenading her this song at karaoke night at our local dive bar? If so let you guys can let know I do a kick ass BBD “Poison” or Extreme’s “More Than Words”.

14) Phish- Fee: After that I took every BGM or Columbia House card I could find to join under multiple family member names and get a boatful of new music for a penny. Suckers…or so I thought. As it turned out know matter how many letters you write claiming you were unable to enter into your Columbia house contract because you were a minor they will not let you out. Not the worst thing in the world. It allowed me to branch out and find a new side two mix tape song. Phish’s “Silent in the Morning”. I imagined girls panties dropping and hearts melting when they’d hit that track on side two. It was never that effective. That album did introduce me to Phish though. From their I jumped to “Junta”, The first time I got drunk was to “Fee” at an older kids graduation party. I peppered the poor family’s house with vomit and may or may not have threatened to puke on their dog if they didn’t give me regular coke instead of diet coke. The song will bring that memory back every single time.

 

15) Audio Two – Top Billin: My roommate in college used to rock out to a weird collection of songs freshman year: Gillette’s “Short Dick Man” Ina Kamoze's "Here Comes The Hotstepper" & Shaggy's "Boombastic". It was by and large a black hole of music exchange on both sides as he fought off the “Fee” and “Lawn Boy” I tried forcing into the stereo all the time. Pretty music who ever got there first was the one controlling the music. He did however introduce me to Doug E Fresh & Slick Rick's "The Show" and Audio Two's "Top Billin" so it wasn't all bad. Sometimes I wonder what songs are currently on his IPhone. I'm sure I don't want to know. I can guess Onyx’s Bacdufuckup isn’t one of them.

16) Gza – Shadowboxing: We were lucky enough to live next to two guys who liked to wake up to Onyx’s Bacdufucup. It acted as a 48 second alarm clock for us everyday for quite some time. We tried to combat it at times w/ my Caldor’s stereo…but it was no match for the deep bass of their Aiwa stereo. I would have hated them for it…but in retrospect it could have been far worse. It was only a 48 second song. When they eventually didn’t get the rise out of the hallway they were hoping for they switched to Wu Tang which was far more enjoyable, and in my opinion certainly better than hearing “Here Comes the Hotstepper” again. I was glad to have my stereo drowned out at that point. Sophomore year second semester we actually moved dorms to get back to the same hallway as these guys and I was introduced to my favorite rap cd of all time: GZA’s Shadowboxing. It made up for all the Onyx wake ups in one listen!

17) The Verve- Bittersweet Symphony: My drunkest day of College: The day started with me getting a car trunk door slammed on my head...and ended with a Group of 8 people threatening to "show me their neighborhood" as I taunted them from a Pizzeria. The real heart of the story is the bar departure. I was in RARE form that day. Super jackass. Before the drinking and before the car trunk attack I had seen the video for "Bittersweet symphony" (you know the video where the guy is walking down a crowded street nonchalantly shoulder blocking strangers). Well later on drunk Del though this was genius and he'd try and ape the video. Needless to say the bar patrons that were on the receiving end of my bony shoulders were less than amused. A ginormous bouncer came over to me and said "We can either do this the easy way or the hard way". In typical del fashion I said "I guess we're doing this the hard way because I'm not moving!”. Big mistake. Nothing is quite as embarrassing as being carried out by a bouncer in a fire man's carry. For added goofiness I toasted people as we passed through the crowd. That is till the other bouncer knocked the beer out of my hand. Good times. Every time I hear the song now I get the urge to recreate that magical day.




18) Luna – California (All the Way) – I DJ’d at my college radio station. This sounds cool, but I’m pretty sure my neighbor’s Onyx morning show had a bigger following and their frequency probably reached further as well. The one positive I could take from that gig was the actual “taking”. Luna’s “Bewitched” was the crowning jewel from my batch of cds that I “borrowed”. Not a very stealthy crime as I was the only one who would EVER play that cd…and we were made to keep play logs. Thank god for lackluster inventory skills.



19) The Who – Pinball Wizard: Listening to this song it always brings me back to watching the movie “Tommy”. I always (even though it’s a different version) picture creepy Elton John getting his ass handed to him by Roger Daltrey’s wooden Tommy. This inevitably leads me to Ann Margaret’s bean, soap, chocolate romp. The family video store I worked at back in the day was not to keen on this scene. Del’s movie rotation then, and now, consisted of Tommy, Cabin Boy. True Stories. RAD. Groundhog’s Day. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Dr Strangelove, Airborne. And The Song Remains the Same. You were only allowed to play PG or G movies in the store, so it was a tough time to be able to watch anything kick ass. I could only stomach “Babe: Pig in the City” so many times. The trick was to pick movies that came out before the rating “PG-13” was invented. (Damn You “Red Dawn”). While watching “The Song Remains the Same” some parent complained about the “violence” in the movie as her son performed a bloody fatality in Mortal Kombat at the play station kiosk. I pointed out the irony of this to her. She was less than amused with me.


20) Pearl Jam – Better Man: Long story short: Girl I work with has a boyfriend. We hang at work. We become smitten with each other. Girl breaks up with said boyfriend to hang out with me. We are away and she is acting peculiar in the hotel and at the dinner. Turns out she never actually broke up with said boyfriend. Awesome. The next day the boyfriend came looking for me at my friend’s bar and while the dark cloud of a fight loomed over my head my buddy told me “hey, we were just playing pool. he’s actually a good guy”. He was no Goose to my Maverick. Fast forward to a year later and the same bar and pretty much the same thing occurs. Good times. Fast forward a few months later to me DJ’ing at the this bar and her coming to bar and requesting Pearl Jam’s “Better Man”. Hidden messages:
“She lies and says shes in love with him, cant find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, cant find a better man...”

He was a ginger, so she was either throwing down some deep shit or she just really liked Pearl Jam. I never found out. I instantly had to play to my favorite 90’s one hit wonder to clear my mind: The New Radicals “Get What You Give”. My friends constantly remind me about this one to this day. My friends can be dicks. Also I think I just pin pointed where my deep seeded hatred of gingers comes from.

21) System of a Down – Chop Suey: I played this song at my desk at my first real real job ALL the time much to the bemusement of my co-workers. I did it partly because I thought the song was genius (still do) and partly because I knew it would draw the person in the cube next to me, who I desperately pined for, over to my desk,. The song was a classic bait and switch as I would get her to come over to complain about it and then I’d switch over to the Gorillaz or to The Avalanches. Classic Bait and Switch..
22) M83 – Don’t’ Save Us From the Flames: The song is about a car wreck, so I think it is funny that it was given to me by girlfriend at the time. The relationship was a combustible relationship fueled by common interests and far too much redbull and vodka I will give her credit for having a sharp musical ear. The M83 disc was easily, BY FAR, the best thing she ever gave me. It’s not to say she gave awful gifts. Perhaps it just speaks volumes to the awesomeness of M83. Or perhaps it speaks to the awfulness of 180 “around the back” earmuffs. Bygones... Too soon for stories? Perhaps.

23) Teddy Bears – Punkrocker: At LA’s DetourFest two years ago I missed the Teddy Bears but whenever I hear this song it is what I instantly think of. While chilling in the beer garden during Kinky’s set there was a bit of an "incident". Some rather large dude was taking up a great deal of space at the picnic table we were sharing. No big deal as 1/2 of us were on our feet rocking out to some Mexican funk and some cheap beer. My friend Lucy showed up to the scene late and made a b line straight for the lion's den. Bad move. Apparently this guy's name was on the table because he grabbed her by the arm and said "Someone is sitting there!” She of course responded how any person would by saying” Get your hands off of me!” There was a bit more of a dialogue that was peppered with the word bitch and then I came on to the scene. I turned around oblivious to what occurred and reacted in typical Del fashion. I said "WHOA WHOA WHOA, what's going on here?" The rest of the dialogue went like this

Del: Hey, let her arm go. No one needs to sit there...
Dude on Steroids: Do you want to fight? Let's go right now? (takes off his jacket)
Del (amused, confused, and nervous all at once): UH, are you serious?
Dude on Steroids: As serious as a heart attack!
Del: (trying not to laugh at the lame ass comeback. Laughter would have been a game on signal for this maniac) We're all good over here at this table. Lets go Luce
Dude on Steroids: That's right bitch.
(I pretended he was talking about Lucy with that last "bitch" remark, but down deep I knew that wasn't the case.)

Fact: this guy would have eaten me alive and my three man "posse" was in varying degrees of drunken indifference. There were far too many cute hipster girls present for them to be on high alert. I couldn't blame them. I would have been on my own. He mean mugged for the rest of our time in the beer garden. I was certain his bark was worse than his bite…but I didn't want to find out. No outcome would have been good. Kicked out of the show, arrested, bloodied and bruised. All terrible options. Good times.

24: St Elmo’s Fire Theme Song (Man in Motion) – John Parr: What is worse?

Admitting to seeing the movie “The Brothers Solomon”?

Admitting to seeing and liking the movie “The Brothers Solomon”

Admitting to seeing and liking the movie “The Brother’s Solomon” and loving whenever “St Elmo’s Fire (Man in motion)” comes on.

Admitting to seeing and liking the movie “The Brother’s Solomon” and loving whenever “St Elmo’s Fire (Man in motion)” comes on. to the point that you downloaded the entire soundtrack to St Elmo’s fire.

Admitting to seeing and liking the movie “The Brother’s Solomon” and loving whenever “St Elmo’s Fire (Man in motion)” comes on to the point that you downloaded the soundtrack to St Elmo’s fire…and then uploaded “Man in Motion” to myxer to create a ringtone

um…..this was a hypothetical question...

25) Albert Hammond Jr: - 101: Have you ever met a girl who amused you greatly and seems to have a real level head…and is so low maintenance that it doesn’t make you claustrophobic when she stays over for four straight days, and she can go drink for drink with you and not ever once turn into a crying mess or a drama queen and she has a great sense of humor. Hmm, me either. Sadly this song has been ruined for me forever now. Thanks. “Bitter, table for one!”

“Back to the 101”. Indeed.

That’s it. I’ve said too much. Oh… also, I don’t like Coffee.

Saved By the Belding: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Beat Valley

I''ve lived in LA for a little over two and 1/2 years now and I've never been particularly star struck. Recently while dropping a friend off at LAX (yeah, it's weird here. You actually drive friends to the airport...) I saw a kick ass dog and after commenting to my friend about said dog i noticed it was being walked by Dustin Hoffman. He was sporting a "Why the fuck are you looking at my dog and not me?" face. Answer: "Meet The Fockers".

Llike I said I'm rarely star struck. Last week seeing Justine Bateman, looking haggard and angry, at Pico Bowl did nothing for me. She was no longer Mallory. I no longer cared. I have to say rarely instead of never though because I was awestruck by the bright shining star that is Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr. Belding. How did I come to meet him? I'm glad you asked. It started with this dialogue:

Roommate: What are you doing?
Del: Reading at Homeless park. Why?
Roommate: Mr Belvedere is going to be @ the Loop (dive bar near my apt) @ 1pm for some student film shoot!
Del: Nice. (breaks into a Mr Belvedere impression) Weeesleeey, take off your shirt and pants so I can start the laundry!”
Del: …wait, he’s dead.
Roommate: I meant Mr Belding
Del: FUCK YEAH! I’ll be right there!

Would I have dropped everything for Mr. Belvedere? Probably not. Richie Belding? Abso-fucking-lutely. We have history. Allow me to explain. I once had Mr Belding call my girlfriend at the time on her birthday. He was a pro's pro. Although, I do recall one of his pre-set rules was that he got to call himself "Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr Belding" instead of just "Mr Belding". I wasn't pleased about that, but I wasn't about to switch my order to Horseshack. You know that douche would eagerly sit by the phone, totally willing to be called "Fucking piece of shit Horseshack" if it meant another Ajax in his wallet. Knowing this now you can imagine my child like glee as I packed up my belongings from Homeless Park and headed down to The Loop.

I went to the bar, drank, and awaited the arrival of TBS rerun's golden god. He arrived and it was not a letdown. (Unlike the time I met Keith Hernandez as a kid. Thank you for crushing my dreams, Keith). Dennis (Mr Belding), Pat, and I had drinks, watched college football (quite knowledgeable on the subject), and played Erotic Photo Hunt.

Mind you He was there to shoot a "Student film" and we were supposed to be nondescript bar flies (typecasting). Much to the chagrin of the director, Belding was more concerned w/ Erotic Photo hunt than the video shoot. We were reprimanded for making too much noise with the game on a “hot set". One of the director's bitch boys came over and told us that the games noises* were interfering in every take so we were told to leave it alone. Mr Belding couldn't leave it be. As I tried to respect the set he tapped me on the shoulder while the game clock was ticking down and gave me the “Should i?” face as he pointed at the hint button. How could I say no? I gave him the head nod approval and then had to put my head on the bar to muffle my laughter. Sadly i did not have my flip mino for that glorious moment. Imagine, if you will, having a video capture of Mr Belding asking permission to use the hint lifeline for an erotic photohunt of a woman spread eagle on a boat (very tasteful) all while he was supposed to be walking into the scene of the shot delivering his lines. Viral video indeed.

Thank you Lincoln Boulevard for making my dreams come true.

Speaking of viral: After his scenes were done we went outside so people could take pictures with him. Belding, the sly dog that he is, got this girl to act as a real life photo hunt model. Being the Big Bopper he pushed the limits and asked for her number...which she gave him. Well played. After that I went back into the bar and not two seconds later the girl came hysterically running back into the bar . Sans tears mind you. More in the "hysterical, please give me attention" vein. Apparently Belding had leaned in and Pearl Harbored her lips with his Taco Bell lovin mouth. She never saw it coming and feared that he had given her herpes. I was kind enough to calm her nerves by zooming in the pics on my camera and matter-of-factly stating my concerns over some questionable sores on the left side. She was not amused. She proceeded to soak her lips in sake in a futile effort to fend off the The Herp. Alcohol kills germs and brain cells.

Drink responsibly, people. Unless of course an old Saturday morning star gives you herpes, chlamydia , or the clap. If this happens, cover yourself in sake from head to toe.

*noises: The game makes all sorts of moaning noises as you make right and wrong selections which obviously made me laugh even more throughout the process.

Saturdaze: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Misc Thoughts

WHOLE FOODS:

Whole Foods, I don’t care for your antics one bit. You are the Urth Cafe of super markets. I'm not impressed with your wide variety of micro brews and fine cheeses. My money goes to Von’s every time. With that said I do appreciate your efforts to class up the Lincoln/Rose Intersection. If only this beautiful mural was around that night I got lost in Venice. It would have been a grand landmark that maybe would have helped me avoid following my “spirit guide”. A long story of shame that shall not be shared here at this time.

PIZZA HUT:

While waiting for playoff football to start I saw a commercial for Pizza Hut. In this commercial they did the ol’ Folger’s Crystals bait and switch move. Everyone was popping boners over some craptastic “multi grain” pizza that had allegedly been hand prepared by some woman. You know how the rest goes...

Now the truly disturbing part was after the big reveal they touted the great ingredients w/ included “all natural pepperoni”. WTF Pizza Hut! What was I eating before?

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER:

If I've learned one thing from my DVR and "How I Met Your Mother" it is that I can expect my voice to change for a second time as I get older. Hopefully I’ll get a sweet James Earl Jones or creepy Gary Busey voice instead of a lame Bob Saget one. I think HIMYM also taught me that I can be hilarious for 25 minutes and then do a quick 180 and suck for five minutes and no one will hold it against me.



SUNSHINE CLEANING:

I just recently saw the trailer and i have to say a smartly edited trailer mixed with a great song makes me an easy sell.

• Trailer 1 = a movie I'd wait to Netflix.
• Trailer 2 = A movie i would definitely go check out. Great use of the Decemberists.

Good work trailer #2 editor.

trailer 1:



Trailer 2:

R.I.F: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Become a Card Carrying Old Person

Borders is having a kick ass 40% off of EVERYTHING sale. Sadly I was late to the scene and it was slim pickings. I missed out on all the sweet stuff and because of this I almost talked myself into buying The Freaks and Geeks Year Book Edition Boxed Set. Even at 40% off it was still ridiculously overpriced. After far too many hours of hunting and gathering I grabbed the last copy of the new Klosterman and the new collection of Stephen King short stories and hit the register where I had to listen to the check out douche scoff at my Stephen King selection. No wonder the Borders ship was sinking. Super overpriced merchandise mixed w/ surly judgmental register monkeys is a kick ass business model. Dicks. Border's, you reap what you sow!

Mark my words, as of today I vow to not buy a book for awhile and Border's wasn't the only deciding factor. You see times are tough my friends and I've recently* joined that less than exclusive club, the unemployed. Today after going to my local Citibank to deposit (I still can't believe I'm typing the words) my unemployment check I crossed the street and headed over to the Santa Monica Public Library. Yep, it's come to that. Truth be told I usually buy a book, read it, and then pass it to someone else with the instructions for them to do the same when they are done. This system has served me well my whole life as I never once (blatant lie*) have felt the urge to re-read a book. There's so much content out there, why re-read? Anyway, I'm guessing I haven't been to a public library in at least four years. What better time than now?

I have to admit I found the Santa Monica library a bit overwhelming, what with the over abundance of old people stock piling DVDs. Hey old people, the jig is up. We know you're all still rocking VHS tapes and no matter how many DVDs you "rent" your children will not enjoy visiting you. It's just the way it is. Accept it. I have.

As I mentioned earlier I haven't been to a library in quite some time and because of this I walked around the library like an unfrozen caveman. Everything shocked and confused me. I really had no plan of attack until I recalled I had wanted to purchase "Love is a Mix tape". At that point I stopped dead in my tracks and did a 360 to see if I could sniff out where the non fiction music section was. I'm guessing one of the staffers saw me because she came running over and offered her assistance. I told her I knew the author's name and the title of the book and I'd have no problem tracking the book down at which point she gave me a "bless his heart" face and suggested we track down the exact dewy decimal #. After tracking down the stack slot and finding out that the copy was missing she walked me over to her desk where she put a hold on the book...and get this they will email me when the book arrives. What a brave new world we live in. After being told that this was common place for years I felt stupid and old. Karma perhaps? I really should have went over to the elderly couple renting seasons one through three of "Mad About You" and apologized for silently judging them...but I didn't. I loath old people.

I know you do too.

What have we learned today? Reading is fundamental and if your local library carries the Freaks and Geeks boxed set let me know...because Santa Monica doesn't. I'll trade you some "Mad About You". Oh, we also learned that I'll be seeing that Stephen King hating fool on the unemployment line real soon. We'll see if he is such a big talker when he's not behind his slightly elevated above ground level check out counter.

*blatant lie - I had to repurchase Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs as I wanted to read it again. Of course the jackass that I am, I lent out the second copy. No clue where it is now.

* recently - That's for you, Meredith.

08 Was Great or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Sappy Movies.

When thinking about a top ten list of movies for 2008 i started to worry a bit. As it turned out my netflix had been a black hole of quality for a good portion of the year and my movie going rate had decreased while my drinking rate increased exponentially. Since going on the wagon on the 21st of December I've been able to squeeze in some notable movies...otherwise you'd be seeing "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" in prime real estate. What has helped is finally driving to The Landmark on Pico. It's a treat to see a movie there. I've banged out four movies since the prohibition began, making me more than ready to construct my top ten. With that said, on to Number 10

10) Step Brothers: I know I should be putting Tropic Thunder here, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Yes I liked "Tropic Thunder", but I loved Step Brothers. I think my insane expectations for Tropic Thunder (and "Pineapple Express") compounded by my low expectations for Step Brothers (thanks to my disdain for Talladega Nights) led me to really laugh my ass off at Ferrell and Reilley and rank it #1 out of the big three summer comedies. It's a well known fact that JCR can do no wrong in my eyes. Ever. With that said Ferrell could be anything that wasn't Ricky Bobby and I was going to be pleased. Their ending duet was a thing of beauty...as was the family acapella sing along to Sweet Child O' Mine. Thanks to this movie"Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer" will be added to the drunken frat boy catch phrase library for years to come.

Less believable man/child step brothers: Steve Nash and Baron Davis, chilling in my neighborhood.

Trivia: um, so in the later numbers I was quoting how many times "fuck" was uttered in each movie. For Step Brothers, I had to do a google search. People, I implore you: think before you search.

9) The Visitor: Kudos to Richard Jenkins for forever lingering in the shadows as a role player and then when he finally got the chance to lead a film he knocked it out of the park. This trailer does the movie zero justice. Give it a chance...it's a slow starter. These are the types of movies that Netflix help you uncover. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness the protagonist feels is heightened in a solo viewing. His speech about life or lack there of and his eventual rebirth should have warranted him a Golden Globe at the very least. I mean come on, doesn't everyone get nominated for a Golden Globe? (I'm looking at you Tom Cruise in "Tropic Thunder")



8) In Bruges: If the movie consisted solely of this 30 second clip it would still make the eight slot. On top of that fine bit of cinema, you get Colin Farrell actually trying in a movie. A nice change from the Sonny Crocket fiasco of 2006. Actually to think of it, I'm not certain that Colin Farrell has been in anything good since Tigerland. A real underrated solid movie that should be added to your Netflix asap. I'm talking about "In Bruges", but feel free to add Tigerland as well.

Trivia Note: The word 'fuck' and its derivatives are said 126 times in this 107-minute film, an average of 1.18 'fucks' per minute. Tarantino eat your heart out.

7) Burn After Reading: I can see why the movie was lambasted by the critics: It wasn't "No Country for Old Men". A simple case of the Hangover Effect. The same exact thing happened after all the praise and awards for Fargo in '96. Their next movie was CRUSHED by critics and viewers alike. That movie you ask? The now cult classic of our generation: The Big Lebowski. History repeating itself. What have we learned? Critics and film buffs are dicks. Burn After Reading is a fun comic thriller that lets its stars act outside of their usual comfort zones (sans Tilda Swinton*) and channel a bizzaro three stooges meets Unfaithful meets the Bourne Identity (with out all the martial arts and parkour). An added bonus is the movie inside of the movie, "Coming Up Daisy". It looked like a movie all of my sisters would eat up. Props to Richard Jenkins for making the list for a third time. He is the Jason Statham to my Stephen King.

Trivia Note: fuck is said 60 times.

6)Frost/Nixon: I was really really surprised by how much I enjoyed this movie. Thanks to Peter Morgan (The Queen), who adapted it from his hit play, Frost/Nixon acts as a reminder of our personal flaws, missteps and need for redemption. This great recreation of an interview that went from a game of checkers and turned into a heated game of verbal chess. Perhaps a fleeting TV moment that carried more weight and emotion than anyone might have realized at the time. Imagine Billy Bush interviewing GWB and squeezing a "there never were WMDs. It was all made up so we could get a good ol' war goin'". Heady stuff. They really recreated the time and sentiment of the nation during that time. A nation that felt lied to. A nation well aware that they were part of a war that was un-winnable and wrong. A nation that wanted change and more importantly they wanted answers. It felt like opening a window into a certain point in time that very much mirrors today's climate, and I totally got lost in it...until Clint Fucking Howard's ugly mug showed up to close it. Can someone write an open letter to Ron Howard and state that we appreciate that he keeps giving his mongoloid brother a gig, but maybe from here on out he can be a gaffer or the "best boy". (I bet Clint was furious when he lost out on the role of Ronnie the pedophile in Little Children. "I was born for that part, Ron. Please pull some strings!" Fucking Clint.) Luckily, he wasn't cast as Nixon. Frank Langella was and he doesn't so much impersonate Nixon as much as he becomes him. At times you will forget that you're watching the actor who played the nefarious power hungry politician in "Dave." Hmm, I guess it wasn't much of a stretch for him. With that said Frank Langella IS Nixon and it is everything that "W" should have been and wasn't.

Trivia Note: Nixon wants to know if you fornicated last night.

5) Iron Man: Young Del was a comic book guy. It's true. He used to ride his bike to the store each Wednesday to pick up the new releases. He can count on his right hand how many times he considered buying an Iron Man comic. Naturally, when talk of an Iron Man movie started leaking he thought "Who the hell is going to want to see that?" Then he saw the trailer. Fuck yeah Favreau! With the help of a kick ass Robert Downey Jr and the late great Stan Winston, he made an awesome, accessible film from a fringe character from a fringe area of literature. Even Gwneyth Platrow's usual sucktactular face and acting (can we just give all her roles to Eva Mendes already?) couldn't hold it back.

It was a force of badass-ness (yeah i just made up a word) that totally played out like a living breathing comic book. That statement is meant to be a compliment. Jerks.

Bonus Points for making Jeff Bridges look equally badass.

4) The Wrestler: Darrwn Aronofsky is the King of Pain. His first movie "Pi" was a test in what the viewer could handle on a sonic level. The jarring sound effects whittled people away one by one from my living room when i brought it home as a "screener" from my job at good ol' Plaza Video. If you were able to get past that sonic assault you were rewarded with a great piece of film making from a new voice. After that came "Requiem for a Dream". That movie was a test in what audience could physically handle seeing. Requiem is a movie that you walk past in Best Buy and you pick it up and say "what a brilliant movie", then you put it down because you can't possibly fathom owning it and again sitting down and going through the pain that the four protagonists go through. It would be like buying Deliverance on Blu Ray and watching Ned Beatty's poor "Squeal Like a pig" scene...but for 100 more minutes. The Wrestler is another test. This time we're tested with how much we can handle emotionally. Never would I have expected to pay to see a movie about wrestling STARRING Mickey Rourke, but it's been an odd year. (as #3 and #1 will attest) As it turns out, Darren Aronofsky's shooting style coupled with Mickey Rourke's real life story makes him perfectly cast as a once star now washed up wrestler. This combination gives it an almost documentary feel, and the audience can immediately relate to "Ram". I don't want to give anything away about this movie but let me just say the wrestling is the least painful aspect of the movie, and Marissa Tomei is great as an equally washed up stripper. Plus she gets naked!

Other reasons for the four slot: a kick ass 80's hair metal soundtrack and Todd from the Crazy Dogggz (sans bongos).

3) Wall-E: I never go see kids movies in theaters unless I'm taking my niece and nephews. I had no intentions of going to see this movie, but after a few cocktails near the promenade a girl whose company I was enjoying insisted on it. I was glad I did. It was a great piece of movie making with a solid message bumbled up in a cute package. A Trojan horse if you will. On top of that, I don't think any other movie I've seen could go with out dialogue for so long (33 minutes) and not lose an audience. Sure he looked like a complete rip off of Johnny Five from Short Circuit but nobody (except this lady) cared. No one cared because this was a fine crafted piece of art that somehow managed to tug on the audiences heart strings. I know this because as Eve was seeing the video log of how Wall-E cared for her during her hibernation status, the girl who dragged me to this "kids film" was balling her eyes out. I'm talking rivers of tears. She looked over and smiled with tears gushing out of her saucer eyes. It was an endearing moment and I thought perhaps, just maybe she might be the Eve to my Wall-E. As it would turn out she was more the H.A.L to my Dave.

2)The Dark Knight: Heath Ledger died. We all know that. Heath Ledger gave a great performance. We all know that. So why does this movie make number two? My reasoning is because it was the complete opposite of Iron Man. Like I said, Iron Man was a walking talking comic book. The Dark Knight however manged to transcend the entire genre and fall into a class of its own. With the overabundant CGI work in films today, the sense of danger is never really felt. Chris Nolan, leery of this, attempted to shoot this movie with as many old school tactics as possible. The results speak for themselves. Each action scene has a heightened sense of danger and even though you know it would kill the WB studio to off Batman you still feel a great sense of peril. Chris Nolan has made a career on twists and turns and The Dark Knight was no exception. The Joker personified chaos, but beyond that chaos and claims of having no plan, there were intricate events that pushed the plot along from beginning to end. A well thought out domino effect of chaos. A far cry from Jack Nicholson dancing around to Prince as he gave out fake joker money. Just an awesome movie from top to bottom with a kick ass cast. I've mentioned it before and I'll say it again: I wish Morgan Freeman were my grandfather. He's so wise and preachy, but not in the angry Charles S Dutton kind of way.

Note: If you want more of the Joker, go to Borders during their 40% off everything sale and pick up "The Killing Joke". Nolan's version of the Joker was partly inspired by it.


and lastly...

Question: how do you top a list that includes movies about wrestling, old men learning to drum, and a knock off Short Circuit? Do you go with:

a) Tropic Thunder
b) Milk
c) The Curious Incident of Benjamin Buttons
d) Slumdog Millionaire

D. Final answer.

Before I even get into the movie, I have to say that Frieda Pinto is EASILY the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Slumdog Millionaire: I saw this movie on Saturday and I can not stop thinking about it. It is my 2009 version of "Once". I went into it Frank Costanza style and was blown away. I should have known it was going to be awesome because Danny Boyle has yet to let me down. If there was ever to be a movie made about me I think he'd be my choice to go behind the lens. Wes Anderson would get too quirky, Darren Aronfsky would realize too much pain, and Bryan Singer would insist on having some sort of Nazi plot device, possibly involving Tom Cruise prancing around in a patch. Enough already Bryan. Nope, Boyle would be the man. The guy attacks such diverse genres. You really never know what to expect next. To go from "28 Days Later", to "Millions" to "Sunshine" is a pretty amazing feat. I truly don't have the words to describe how much I enjoyed this movie. Just think for a second. I just said a movie whose plot centers on the Indian version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" is my favorite movie of the year. Amazing locations, a clever plot device, great soundtracks, crisp editing, and child actors you don't want to drop kick. The best analogy I can give you is "City of God meets Forrest Gump"...without any nonsense like the "It happens" and Smiley Face T-Shirt running cross country debacle in the latter part of Gump. It's the Indian Odyssey by way of the genius that is DannyBoyle.

Go see it. Now.

That's it, that's my list....and here is my top 5 list of movies for 2008 that I still need to see:

5 Synecdoche, New York

4 Gran Turino (looks hilarious)

3 Religulous

2 Milk

1 Let The Right Ones In.

*Tilda Swinton: No acting outside of her wheel house. She does her usual ice queen. She terrifies me and is quite possible the reason why Benjamin Buttons will not be listed in this blog.