Slim Goodbody: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Doctor's Orders

“ UM…you might want to consider cutting back your intake so you have ‘real sleep’ "my doctor said after I told him my “social drinking” consisted of or around twelve drinks. My sadly sincere retort was “Drinks? So does that include shots and jaeger bombs?”

I don’t think he was amused.

After step one of the Del Health push for late 2008 hit a setback (the chantix prescription not being covered under my Atena) I moved forward w/ step 2: Going back to the gym. I’ve been paying for a $70/month gym membership that has gone unused for a good portion of the year. Last year I was a machine at the gym. This year, still a machine…but of the soft serve variety. The doctor’s orders for my fatigue were to not give me adderall (This, people, is why I am not a Doctor) and for me to go back the the gym. Yesterday was the first day. I excitedly parked in front and walked up to the glass doors. I was ready to become a new man. However, as i peered into the giant glass entrance I saw that it was empty. I don’t mean “Empty” in the sense that no one was there working out, I mean it was fucking empty. Cleared out. Tumbleweeds. No machines, no bikes, no lockers, no bad music blaring from the sound system. Someone out there doesn’t want me to shed my lifestyle of hazy nights, bleary mornings and winded stairs.

I blame the government.

I guess it's time to break out those Perfect Pushups I call coasters with handles.

related side note: Do they make a chantix for jaeger bombs?

NetFacts: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Borrowers

The jig is up.

Netflix locked out my account. Damn my trip back to NY. Sure it was great to see the family and friends but it ruined my netflix efficiency. The trip slowed down my queue activity to the point where I felt like my hand was forced. By "forced" I mean "lying to netflix that i sent back movies so they would send out new movies asap". It's the oldest trick in the book. The good ol' "report shipping problem"maneuver. Sadly I've been the dirtbag who cried Wolf far too often and they locked out my account.

Heed my warning: Don't Lie to Netflix.

Otherwise you’ll resort to this kind of tomfoolery:

Netflix Customer Support: What seems to be the issue today?
Del: My account was placed on hold.
Netflix: It shows here that a great deal of movies have been flagged missing and then are returned much later.
Del: Gee. really? My roommate mailed back a movie on the 30th…and it never got to Netflix, so I flagged it as lost in the mail.
Netflix: I see. Where did he mail it from?
Del: “He put it outside, under a rock, on my apt mailbox. Gosh, do you think someone is taking them?”
Netflix: “Sir, it sounds like you have what i like to call a “Borrower”*. They stalk outside mailboxes and take other people’s movies and watch them...and then send them back…and if they really like them THEY WILL KEEP THEM!
Del: OH! Somebody would do that?
Netflix: Sir, You’d be surprised how often it happens.
Del: Goodness, I think i should not leave my dvds out under a rock anymore.
Netlix: That sounds like a fine idea sir.



Del’s thoughts: Sure it was embarrassing to act like a Sarah Palin, especially when i decided to turn the ham up and ask if there was a way to look up the ship and return dates**. (like a savvy Netflix vet like myself wouldn't know that. Come on). If that wasn’t enough I asked if i could get a investigative phone call next time a rental went longer than 10 days. As she tried to explain how stupid the request was I cut her off and said “You know what, I betcha if i just follow your instructions and stop putting my movies under the rock I’ll be OK! huh?". Judging from her reaction I think she was quite impressed that the Joe Six Pack on the other line was able to come to that conclusion.

We’ve all learned a valuable lesson here, Don’t Lie to Netflix...and if you do lie, act like a complete buffoon so you'll lower their expectations.

Del note: Sadly, this is actually the second time I had to stoop to these type of shenanigans. I guess soon it will be time to be honest w/ Netlfix...or switch to Blockbuster.

* Borrower: she was so pleased when she used this name she obviously coined for movie thieves. It was so cute. God bless her. I could hear her air quoting as she said the word and then nudging her customer support buddy on the right while mouthing "I told you 'Borrower' was so money. I think its gonna stick! Did you start using it?"

** ship and return dates: I went on about how i could try and study the return history and possibly find a pattern to deduce who was grabbing the movies. She humored me and we went through a questionable period at the end of January. I kept muttering to myself "Hmm, end of January...interesting" as if it meant something. She was not impressed with my suggestion of a stakeout.

Speaking of stakeouts...I better go update my queue.

Overheard in LAX or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Dead Presidents

Old asian man: who is that? (Pauses, points at my sweet t-shirt) Tony Romo?

Del: Haha, no its not tony romo. Its Johnny Utah. Famous Ohio State quarterback!

Old asian guy (clearly has no clue who officer utah is and makes a sad "oh no the cruel embrace of Alzheimer's is setting in) "ohio state?

Del: yeah, remember? All american, he was gonna go pro till he blew out his knee in that big bowl game. Think it was the Rose bowl.

Old asian guy: ...

Ha. Good times. I would have kept going with the charade if he would've let me. Poor guy was so rattled he went through the metal detector with his belt on. The cruel security woman made him take his belt off and that resulted in far too much old man underwear(and possibly a weight lifting belt or man girdle) to be seen when his shorts dropped.

Lucas, You Fool: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learn How to Embrace My Past

I was a worthless piece of crap yesterday at work, and for the first time it wasn't because of a hangover. That's a slight lie as I did drink, but it wasn't the usual "Shock and Awe" drinking session I usually subject my liver to. The Jaeger carpet bombing was silent for the Lord's day of rest. No I was tired because I insist on putting random movies on as I go to bed. Sunday's 1am showing was"Lucas". The tag line for the movie is "It's about falling in love. For the first time".

It should actually read "It's about falling in love. For the first time...and then having your heart ripped out and stomped on over and over again...as you are totally oblivious to your short comings and the fact that you have no chance at getting the girl...who is gross anyway, as she's a creepy ginger."

Sorry, I shouldn't say any more. I'd hate to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it....or hasn't seen it since it came out (1986...damn my self inflicted carbon dating) but here are my key thoughts:

1) Gingers are dirty whores and can not be trusted! EVER!
2) Lucas would go trench coat mafia in this post columbine world. Guaranteed.
3) Charlie Sheen was (and I'm sure still is) a terrible friend
4) Lucas should have targeted the square Winona Ryder. So much hotter. Even back then, and so less ginger-y. Plus she was in to him. He could have gotten in that much need practice bang before he set his sights on the Ginger.

Why does this movie strike such a chord in the heart of the Deltron? Obviously I've never had an unrequited crush on a ginger. I've always been partial to brunettes...or pretty much any girl that doesn't melt in the sun.

I never had a sick fascination w/ locusts either.

Hmm, perhaps it was because my physique as a High school freshman was eerily similar to young Lucaplakia. I know I know, a shocking revelation. It's true my friends, this chiseled rock of muscle you see now was once the shortest kid of his grade. Even worse, his fraternal twin was not the second shortest.(He was third) Damn that Bastard. I suppose that would make me a bastard as well, but you get the idea. The spiked hair "blow fish" defense did nothing to fool others into puffing up my size. I just had to wait for the sweet sweet release that puberty would bring. Fortunately no one ever gave me the Lucas treatment. I'm guessing it was either because I didn't live in a trailer park and collect bugs OR because there weren't vats of Icy Hot to slather on my hairless man berries.

It wasn't all sour grapes as I did get to purchase Air Jordan's in 8th grade at the kid size discounted price. No shot Fran (my Mom) was going to dole out cash for the full priced adult sized cost.

Score one for the Lucas 2.0

Park and Hide: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being a Straggler

This blog is going to act as a public service announcement to anyone considering using the Hollywood Bowl "Park and Ride" service. As it turns out, the times are NOT "suggested" arrival time options but instead are the firm time choices that are available for your shows' specific start time.

I learned this the hard way. Allow me to scare you straight.

The day before the Radiohead show I drank like a champ. For no good reason on Sunday I had 6 jaeger bombs and countless beers and other drinks at The Victorian, The Beer Garden, O'Briens, and my house. It made for a great Sunday, but a miserable Monday. This led me straight to the Park N Ride as I planned to rest and rebound in a bus on the way to the venue. Oddly enough, when I arrived at the Santa Monica DMV there were ZERO people waiting for the bus. I thought I couldn't be more worried at that point. I was wrong. Shortly after discussing what to do w/ my roommate Pat, who was kind enough to drop me off, another Radiohead fan showed up. Her name was Monica and she was bat shit nuts. She clearly made the same mistake I did and was having a self admitted freak out. Besides questioning who I was calling when I used my phone to try and verify the p-n-r info she questioned the West Side. Her theory, which clearly ignored the full parking lot, was that there weren't any Radiohead fans on the Westside and that was the reason there was no one waiting for a pick up. I was way too hungover to humor her insanity so I peppered in a few subtle zingers as I tried to figure out my next step. Truth be told I was fucking terrifed of her. CRAZY EYES! Luckily Monica's friends showed up and, following a long brainstorming session, decided they'd drive to the Bowl. After a quick deliberation, they agreed to drive me as well. Kids, I don't advocate taking rides with strangers, but this was for Radiohead. It wasn't like someone asked me to get in their van to help them find their lost puppy (ed note: People, wise up. There's never a lost puppy!). Also, the driver, Nick, was a spot on stunt double for my buddy Schellman...except a Mexican version. John Mexico. Super trust worthy.

Michael Vick would be so proud...en el trato.

The car ride consisted of Monica complaining the entire fucking time, and her friends either rolling their eye balls or telling her to "try and have fun". Why would John Mexico, Bizarro Annie, and the Bourne Ultimatum 2.o want to hang out with such a Debbie Downer. When she found out that someone threw a "Singles" party and she wasn't invited she belted out over and over again: "BUT I'm single (shocker!) Why wasn't I invited?" Oh Monica, I just met you and it's completely obvious why you weren't invited. Her friends made some lame excuse and changed the subject.*

As the straggler, I really wanted to shtick it up by doing the Seven Minute Abs bit from "There's Something About Mary"...but i thought better of it as I was insanely hungover and I feared being dropped off on the 101. (Note: this is also the reason i have no pics of the motley crew. That would've punched my express first class ticket to Creep City.)

"Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk"

At this point I learned we'd be detouring** to John Mexico's boss' house. Hmm, part of their scam perhaps. Get a straggler alone in the Hollywood Hills and then steal his tix. Genius really. My fears were put to rest when we arrived and I realized the boss could probably buy the Hollywood Bowl. They had a friggin Warhol for christ's sake. I knew this because the boss's wife insisted on giving a tour, even when I tried to politely decline by saying "Thanks, I'm good....I'm a straggler. No tour needed." I think she thought I was kidding. A friggin Warhol. Nuts. I was impressed. As evidenced by my living room, I'm a huge art fan:

Matt points out the rich textures of my Bob Ross original knockoff .

After some small talk..and some not so small Monica complaining we jumped into the boss' car and made our way to the Bowl. Of course Monica didn't miss a fucking beat, as she took this second car ride as an opportunity to unnecessarily insult John Mexico's car." Seriously, why did these people hang out w/ her? Luckily it was a short ride, but not short enough as John Mexico and his boss gave each other goodbye European cheek kisses to go along with the standard bro hug. I didn't need to see that. After that we went our separate ways and I met my buddy and headed to the seats and never looked back.

What lessons have we learned?
You know what...I'm not sure I learned a lesson as I'd rather ride w/ strangers than drive to the Hollywood Bowl. That Tetris stacked parking is a fucking nightmare.

Actual Radiohead concert notes:

Ed Grimley + Gary Oldman in "The Professional" = Thom Yorke. Stop trying to come up with a better comparison. It's impossible.

Steve Nash is apparently now playing bass for Radiohead.

No pic needed: Johnny Greenwood is a bad ass guitarist.
Set List
1. Reckoner
2. Optimistic
3. There There
4. 15 Step
5. All I Need
6. Pyramid Song
7. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
8. The Gloaming
9. Videotape
10. Talk Show Host
11. Faust Arp
12. Tell Me Why (Neil Young Cover)
13. No Surprises
14. Jigsaw Falling Into Place
15. The Bends
16. The National Anthem
17. Nude
18. Bodysnatchers
19. House of Cards
20. Planet Telex
21. Go Slowly
22. Fake Plastic Trees
23. True Love Waits Intro/Everything In Its Right Place
24. Cymbal Rush
25. Karma Police
26. Idioteque


Unexpected Highlight: "Tell Me Why". I've never heard the Neil Young version and I don't care. This is now an instant classic Radiohead song in my mind.


Radiohead :: "Tell Me Why" (neil young cover) from gorilla vs. bear on Vimeo.

Sad Lowlight: "True Love Waits". It broke my heart that I could barely recognize this usually great song because it was reworked into a bizzaro organ infused death crawl. The fact that it was my "Man, I hope they play that song" selection, made it that much worse.

Weirdest thing I noticed because I was so hungover I was forced into sober ultra awareness: The asian girl next to me who would laugh uncontrollably EVERY single time she looked at the stage through her binoculars. WTF. Maybe they were displaying reruns of Full House or America's Funniest Home Videos up there. Saget is one funny fuck.


* Turns out Moncia was offered the ticket day of...which usally translates into "Hey...um...we couldn't find anyone else to come w/ us and we don't want to eat the cost...so...um...i guess...um..if you want to come...bring your cash!"

I would have given my ticket to Hitler before her!


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Now playing: Ramones - Needles and Pins [Sire Remixed Single Version]