Saved By the Belding: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Beat Valley

I''ve lived in LA for a little over two and 1/2 years now and I've never been particularly star struck. Recently while dropping a friend off at LAX (yeah, it's weird here. You actually drive friends to the airport...) I saw a kick ass dog and after commenting to my friend about said dog i noticed it was being walked by Dustin Hoffman. He was sporting a "Why the fuck are you looking at my dog and not me?" face. Answer: "Meet The Fockers".

Llike I said I'm rarely star struck. Last week seeing Justine Bateman, looking haggard and angry, at Pico Bowl did nothing for me. She was no longer Mallory. I no longer cared. I have to say rarely instead of never though because I was awestruck by the bright shining star that is Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr. Belding. How did I come to meet him? I'm glad you asked. It started with this dialogue:

Roommate: What are you doing?
Del: Reading at Homeless park. Why?
Roommate: Mr Belvedere is going to be @ the Loop (dive bar near my apt) @ 1pm for some student film shoot!
Del: Nice. (breaks into a Mr Belvedere impression) Weeesleeey, take off your shirt and pants so I can start the laundry!”
Del: …wait, he’s dead.
Roommate: I meant Mr Belding
Del: FUCK YEAH! I’ll be right there!

Would I have dropped everything for Mr. Belvedere? Probably not. Richie Belding? Abso-fucking-lutely. We have history. Allow me to explain. I once had Mr Belding call my girlfriend at the time on her birthday. He was a pro's pro. Although, I do recall one of his pre-set rules was that he got to call himself "Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr Belding" instead of just "Mr Belding". I wasn't pleased about that, but I wasn't about to switch my order to Horseshack. You know that douche would eagerly sit by the phone, totally willing to be called "Fucking piece of shit Horseshack" if it meant another Ajax in his wallet. Knowing this now you can imagine my child like glee as I packed up my belongings from Homeless Park and headed down to The Loop.

I went to the bar, drank, and awaited the arrival of TBS rerun's golden god. He arrived and it was not a letdown. (Unlike the time I met Keith Hernandez as a kid. Thank you for crushing my dreams, Keith). Dennis (Mr Belding), Pat, and I had drinks, watched college football (quite knowledgeable on the subject), and played Erotic Photo Hunt.

Mind you He was there to shoot a "Student film" and we were supposed to be nondescript bar flies (typecasting). Much to the chagrin of the director, Belding was more concerned w/ Erotic Photo hunt than the video shoot. We were reprimanded for making too much noise with the game on a “hot set". One of the director's bitch boys came over and told us that the games noises* were interfering in every take so we were told to leave it alone. Mr Belding couldn't leave it be. As I tried to respect the set he tapped me on the shoulder while the game clock was ticking down and gave me the “Should i?” face as he pointed at the hint button. How could I say no? I gave him the head nod approval and then had to put my head on the bar to muffle my laughter. Sadly i did not have my flip mino for that glorious moment. Imagine, if you will, having a video capture of Mr Belding asking permission to use the hint lifeline for an erotic photohunt of a woman spread eagle on a boat (very tasteful) all while he was supposed to be walking into the scene of the shot delivering his lines. Viral video indeed.

Thank you Lincoln Boulevard for making my dreams come true.

Speaking of viral: After his scenes were done we went outside so people could take pictures with him. Belding, the sly dog that he is, got this girl to act as a real life photo hunt model. Being the Big Bopper he pushed the limits and asked for her number...which she gave him. Well played. After that I went back into the bar and not two seconds later the girl came hysterically running back into the bar . Sans tears mind you. More in the "hysterical, please give me attention" vein. Apparently Belding had leaned in and Pearl Harbored her lips with his Taco Bell lovin mouth. She never saw it coming and feared that he had given her herpes. I was kind enough to calm her nerves by zooming in the pics on my camera and matter-of-factly stating my concerns over some questionable sores on the left side. She was not amused. She proceeded to soak her lips in sake in a futile effort to fend off the The Herp. Alcohol kills germs and brain cells.

Drink responsibly, people. Unless of course an old Saturday morning star gives you herpes, chlamydia , or the clap. If this happens, cover yourself in sake from head to toe.

*noises: The game makes all sorts of moaning noises as you make right and wrong selections which obviously made me laugh even more throughout the process.

Saturdaze: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Misc Thoughts

WHOLE FOODS:

Whole Foods, I don’t care for your antics one bit. You are the Urth Cafe of super markets. I'm not impressed with your wide variety of micro brews and fine cheeses. My money goes to Von’s every time. With that said I do appreciate your efforts to class up the Lincoln/Rose Intersection. If only this beautiful mural was around that night I got lost in Venice. It would have been a grand landmark that maybe would have helped me avoid following my “spirit guide”. A long story of shame that shall not be shared here at this time.

PIZZA HUT:

While waiting for playoff football to start I saw a commercial for Pizza Hut. In this commercial they did the ol’ Folger’s Crystals bait and switch move. Everyone was popping boners over some craptastic “multi grain” pizza that had allegedly been hand prepared by some woman. You know how the rest goes...

Now the truly disturbing part was after the big reveal they touted the great ingredients w/ included “all natural pepperoni”. WTF Pizza Hut! What was I eating before?

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER:

If I've learned one thing from my DVR and "How I Met Your Mother" it is that I can expect my voice to change for a second time as I get older. Hopefully I’ll get a sweet James Earl Jones or creepy Gary Busey voice instead of a lame Bob Saget one. I think HIMYM also taught me that I can be hilarious for 25 minutes and then do a quick 180 and suck for five minutes and no one will hold it against me.



SUNSHINE CLEANING:

I just recently saw the trailer and i have to say a smartly edited trailer mixed with a great song makes me an easy sell.

• Trailer 1 = a movie I'd wait to Netflix.
• Trailer 2 = A movie i would definitely go check out. Great use of the Decemberists.

Good work trailer #2 editor.

trailer 1:



Trailer 2:

R.I.F: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Become a Card Carrying Old Person

Borders is having a kick ass 40% off of EVERYTHING sale. Sadly I was late to the scene and it was slim pickings. I missed out on all the sweet stuff and because of this I almost talked myself into buying The Freaks and Geeks Year Book Edition Boxed Set. Even at 40% off it was still ridiculously overpriced. After far too many hours of hunting and gathering I grabbed the last copy of the new Klosterman and the new collection of Stephen King short stories and hit the register where I had to listen to the check out douche scoff at my Stephen King selection. No wonder the Borders ship was sinking. Super overpriced merchandise mixed w/ surly judgmental register monkeys is a kick ass business model. Dicks. Border's, you reap what you sow!

Mark my words, as of today I vow to not buy a book for awhile and Border's wasn't the only deciding factor. You see times are tough my friends and I've recently* joined that less than exclusive club, the unemployed. Today after going to my local Citibank to deposit (I still can't believe I'm typing the words) my unemployment check I crossed the street and headed over to the Santa Monica Public Library. Yep, it's come to that. Truth be told I usually buy a book, read it, and then pass it to someone else with the instructions for them to do the same when they are done. This system has served me well my whole life as I never once (blatant lie*) have felt the urge to re-read a book. There's so much content out there, why re-read? Anyway, I'm guessing I haven't been to a public library in at least four years. What better time than now?

I have to admit I found the Santa Monica library a bit overwhelming, what with the over abundance of old people stock piling DVDs. Hey old people, the jig is up. We know you're all still rocking VHS tapes and no matter how many DVDs you "rent" your children will not enjoy visiting you. It's just the way it is. Accept it. I have.

As I mentioned earlier I haven't been to a library in quite some time and because of this I walked around the library like an unfrozen caveman. Everything shocked and confused me. I really had no plan of attack until I recalled I had wanted to purchase "Love is a Mix tape". At that point I stopped dead in my tracks and did a 360 to see if I could sniff out where the non fiction music section was. I'm guessing one of the staffers saw me because she came running over and offered her assistance. I told her I knew the author's name and the title of the book and I'd have no problem tracking the book down at which point she gave me a "bless his heart" face and suggested we track down the exact dewy decimal #. After tracking down the stack slot and finding out that the copy was missing she walked me over to her desk where she put a hold on the book...and get this they will email me when the book arrives. What a brave new world we live in. After being told that this was common place for years I felt stupid and old. Karma perhaps? I really should have went over to the elderly couple renting seasons one through three of "Mad About You" and apologized for silently judging them...but I didn't. I loath old people.

I know you do too.

What have we learned today? Reading is fundamental and if your local library carries the Freaks and Geeks boxed set let me know...because Santa Monica doesn't. I'll trade you some "Mad About You". Oh, we also learned that I'll be seeing that Stephen King hating fool on the unemployment line real soon. We'll see if he is such a big talker when he's not behind his slightly elevated above ground level check out counter.

*blatant lie - I had to repurchase Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs as I wanted to read it again. Of course the jackass that I am, I lent out the second copy. No clue where it is now.

* recently - That's for you, Meredith.

08 Was Great or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Sappy Movies.

When thinking about a top ten list of movies for 2008 i started to worry a bit. As it turned out my netflix had been a black hole of quality for a good portion of the year and my movie going rate had decreased while my drinking rate increased exponentially. Since going on the wagon on the 21st of December I've been able to squeeze in some notable movies...otherwise you'd be seeing "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" in prime real estate. What has helped is finally driving to The Landmark on Pico. It's a treat to see a movie there. I've banged out four movies since the prohibition began, making me more than ready to construct my top ten. With that said, on to Number 10

10) Step Brothers: I know I should be putting Tropic Thunder here, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Yes I liked "Tropic Thunder", but I loved Step Brothers. I think my insane expectations for Tropic Thunder (and "Pineapple Express") compounded by my low expectations for Step Brothers (thanks to my disdain for Talladega Nights) led me to really laugh my ass off at Ferrell and Reilley and rank it #1 out of the big three summer comedies. It's a well known fact that JCR can do no wrong in my eyes. Ever. With that said Ferrell could be anything that wasn't Ricky Bobby and I was going to be pleased. Their ending duet was a thing of beauty...as was the family acapella sing along to Sweet Child O' Mine. Thanks to this movie"Fucking Catalina Wine Mixer" will be added to the drunken frat boy catch phrase library for years to come.

Less believable man/child step brothers: Steve Nash and Baron Davis, chilling in my neighborhood.

Trivia: um, so in the later numbers I was quoting how many times "fuck" was uttered in each movie. For Step Brothers, I had to do a google search. People, I implore you: think before you search.

9) The Visitor: Kudos to Richard Jenkins for forever lingering in the shadows as a role player and then when he finally got the chance to lead a film he knocked it out of the park. This trailer does the movie zero justice. Give it a chance...it's a slow starter. These are the types of movies that Netflix help you uncover. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness the protagonist feels is heightened in a solo viewing. His speech about life or lack there of and his eventual rebirth should have warranted him a Golden Globe at the very least. I mean come on, doesn't everyone get nominated for a Golden Globe? (I'm looking at you Tom Cruise in "Tropic Thunder")



8) In Bruges: If the movie consisted solely of this 30 second clip it would still make the eight slot. On top of that fine bit of cinema, you get Colin Farrell actually trying in a movie. A nice change from the Sonny Crocket fiasco of 2006. Actually to think of it, I'm not certain that Colin Farrell has been in anything good since Tigerland. A real underrated solid movie that should be added to your Netflix asap. I'm talking about "In Bruges", but feel free to add Tigerland as well.

Trivia Note: The word 'fuck' and its derivatives are said 126 times in this 107-minute film, an average of 1.18 'fucks' per minute. Tarantino eat your heart out.

7) Burn After Reading: I can see why the movie was lambasted by the critics: It wasn't "No Country for Old Men". A simple case of the Hangover Effect. The same exact thing happened after all the praise and awards for Fargo in '96. Their next movie was CRUSHED by critics and viewers alike. That movie you ask? The now cult classic of our generation: The Big Lebowski. History repeating itself. What have we learned? Critics and film buffs are dicks. Burn After Reading is a fun comic thriller that lets its stars act outside of their usual comfort zones (sans Tilda Swinton*) and channel a bizzaro three stooges meets Unfaithful meets the Bourne Identity (with out all the martial arts and parkour). An added bonus is the movie inside of the movie, "Coming Up Daisy". It looked like a movie all of my sisters would eat up. Props to Richard Jenkins for making the list for a third time. He is the Jason Statham to my Stephen King.

Trivia Note: fuck is said 60 times.

6)Frost/Nixon: I was really really surprised by how much I enjoyed this movie. Thanks to Peter Morgan (The Queen), who adapted it from his hit play, Frost/Nixon acts as a reminder of our personal flaws, missteps and need for redemption. This great recreation of an interview that went from a game of checkers and turned into a heated game of verbal chess. Perhaps a fleeting TV moment that carried more weight and emotion than anyone might have realized at the time. Imagine Billy Bush interviewing GWB and squeezing a "there never were WMDs. It was all made up so we could get a good ol' war goin'". Heady stuff. They really recreated the time and sentiment of the nation during that time. A nation that felt lied to. A nation well aware that they were part of a war that was un-winnable and wrong. A nation that wanted change and more importantly they wanted answers. It felt like opening a window into a certain point in time that very much mirrors today's climate, and I totally got lost in it...until Clint Fucking Howard's ugly mug showed up to close it. Can someone write an open letter to Ron Howard and state that we appreciate that he keeps giving his mongoloid brother a gig, but maybe from here on out he can be a gaffer or the "best boy". (I bet Clint was furious when he lost out on the role of Ronnie the pedophile in Little Children. "I was born for that part, Ron. Please pull some strings!" Fucking Clint.) Luckily, he wasn't cast as Nixon. Frank Langella was and he doesn't so much impersonate Nixon as much as he becomes him. At times you will forget that you're watching the actor who played the nefarious power hungry politician in "Dave." Hmm, I guess it wasn't much of a stretch for him. With that said Frank Langella IS Nixon and it is everything that "W" should have been and wasn't.

Trivia Note: Nixon wants to know if you fornicated last night.

5) Iron Man: Young Del was a comic book guy. It's true. He used to ride his bike to the store each Wednesday to pick up the new releases. He can count on his right hand how many times he considered buying an Iron Man comic. Naturally, when talk of an Iron Man movie started leaking he thought "Who the hell is going to want to see that?" Then he saw the trailer. Fuck yeah Favreau! With the help of a kick ass Robert Downey Jr and the late great Stan Winston, he made an awesome, accessible film from a fringe character from a fringe area of literature. Even Gwneyth Platrow's usual sucktactular face and acting (can we just give all her roles to Eva Mendes already?) couldn't hold it back.

It was a force of badass-ness (yeah i just made up a word) that totally played out like a living breathing comic book. That statement is meant to be a compliment. Jerks.

Bonus Points for making Jeff Bridges look equally badass.

4) The Wrestler: Darrwn Aronofsky is the King of Pain. His first movie "Pi" was a test in what the viewer could handle on a sonic level. The jarring sound effects whittled people away one by one from my living room when i brought it home as a "screener" from my job at good ol' Plaza Video. If you were able to get past that sonic assault you were rewarded with a great piece of film making from a new voice. After that came "Requiem for a Dream". That movie was a test in what audience could physically handle seeing. Requiem is a movie that you walk past in Best Buy and you pick it up and say "what a brilliant movie", then you put it down because you can't possibly fathom owning it and again sitting down and going through the pain that the four protagonists go through. It would be like buying Deliverance on Blu Ray and watching Ned Beatty's poor "Squeal Like a pig" scene...but for 100 more minutes. The Wrestler is another test. This time we're tested with how much we can handle emotionally. Never would I have expected to pay to see a movie about wrestling STARRING Mickey Rourke, but it's been an odd year. (as #3 and #1 will attest) As it turns out, Darren Aronofsky's shooting style coupled with Mickey Rourke's real life story makes him perfectly cast as a once star now washed up wrestler. This combination gives it an almost documentary feel, and the audience can immediately relate to "Ram". I don't want to give anything away about this movie but let me just say the wrestling is the least painful aspect of the movie, and Marissa Tomei is great as an equally washed up stripper. Plus she gets naked!

Other reasons for the four slot: a kick ass 80's hair metal soundtrack and Todd from the Crazy Dogggz (sans bongos).

3) Wall-E: I never go see kids movies in theaters unless I'm taking my niece and nephews. I had no intentions of going to see this movie, but after a few cocktails near the promenade a girl whose company I was enjoying insisted on it. I was glad I did. It was a great piece of movie making with a solid message bumbled up in a cute package. A Trojan horse if you will. On top of that, I don't think any other movie I've seen could go with out dialogue for so long (33 minutes) and not lose an audience. Sure he looked like a complete rip off of Johnny Five from Short Circuit but nobody (except this lady) cared. No one cared because this was a fine crafted piece of art that somehow managed to tug on the audiences heart strings. I know this because as Eve was seeing the video log of how Wall-E cared for her during her hibernation status, the girl who dragged me to this "kids film" was balling her eyes out. I'm talking rivers of tears. She looked over and smiled with tears gushing out of her saucer eyes. It was an endearing moment and I thought perhaps, just maybe she might be the Eve to my Wall-E. As it would turn out she was more the H.A.L to my Dave.

2)The Dark Knight: Heath Ledger died. We all know that. Heath Ledger gave a great performance. We all know that. So why does this movie make number two? My reasoning is because it was the complete opposite of Iron Man. Like I said, Iron Man was a walking talking comic book. The Dark Knight however manged to transcend the entire genre and fall into a class of its own. With the overabundant CGI work in films today, the sense of danger is never really felt. Chris Nolan, leery of this, attempted to shoot this movie with as many old school tactics as possible. The results speak for themselves. Each action scene has a heightened sense of danger and even though you know it would kill the WB studio to off Batman you still feel a great sense of peril. Chris Nolan has made a career on twists and turns and The Dark Knight was no exception. The Joker personified chaos, but beyond that chaos and claims of having no plan, there were intricate events that pushed the plot along from beginning to end. A well thought out domino effect of chaos. A far cry from Jack Nicholson dancing around to Prince as he gave out fake joker money. Just an awesome movie from top to bottom with a kick ass cast. I've mentioned it before and I'll say it again: I wish Morgan Freeman were my grandfather. He's so wise and preachy, but not in the angry Charles S Dutton kind of way.

Note: If you want more of the Joker, go to Borders during their 40% off everything sale and pick up "The Killing Joke". Nolan's version of the Joker was partly inspired by it.


and lastly...

Question: how do you top a list that includes movies about wrestling, old men learning to drum, and a knock off Short Circuit? Do you go with:

a) Tropic Thunder
b) Milk
c) The Curious Incident of Benjamin Buttons
d) Slumdog Millionaire

D. Final answer.

Before I even get into the movie, I have to say that Frieda Pinto is EASILY the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Slumdog Millionaire: I saw this movie on Saturday and I can not stop thinking about it. It is my 2009 version of "Once". I went into it Frank Costanza style and was blown away. I should have known it was going to be awesome because Danny Boyle has yet to let me down. If there was ever to be a movie made about me I think he'd be my choice to go behind the lens. Wes Anderson would get too quirky, Darren Aronfsky would realize too much pain, and Bryan Singer would insist on having some sort of Nazi plot device, possibly involving Tom Cruise prancing around in a patch. Enough already Bryan. Nope, Boyle would be the man. The guy attacks such diverse genres. You really never know what to expect next. To go from "28 Days Later", to "Millions" to "Sunshine" is a pretty amazing feat. I truly don't have the words to describe how much I enjoyed this movie. Just think for a second. I just said a movie whose plot centers on the Indian version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" is my favorite movie of the year. Amazing locations, a clever plot device, great soundtracks, crisp editing, and child actors you don't want to drop kick. The best analogy I can give you is "City of God meets Forrest Gump"...without any nonsense like the "It happens" and Smiley Face T-Shirt running cross country debacle in the latter part of Gump. It's the Indian Odyssey by way of the genius that is DannyBoyle.

Go see it. Now.

That's it, that's my list....and here is my top 5 list of movies for 2008 that I still need to see:

5 Synecdoche, New York

4 Gran Turino (looks hilarious)

3 Religulous

2 Milk

1 Let The Right Ones In.

*Tilda Swinton: No acting outside of her wheel house. She does her usual ice queen. She terrifies me and is quite possible the reason why Benjamin Buttons will not be listed in this blog.

The S is Silent: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Having My Voice Muted

“At their best, provisional ballots provide voters who would otherwise be turned away from the polls to have their vote counted, but at their worst, the offer of a provisional ballot can be “a way to brush off troublesome voters by letting them think they have voted.”[4]

In the 2004 US Presidential Election, controversy arose out of arguments regarding the interpretation of the criteria for determining the eligibility of voters using provisional ballots. Many allege that these discrepancies of interpretations, particularly in Ohio, may have been a deciding factor in the outcome of the election. In the 2004 election, at least 1.9 million provisional ballots were cast, and 676,000 were never counted due to various states’ rules on counting provisional ballots.[5]

Studies of the use of provisional ballots in the 2006 general election in the United States show that around 21% of provisional ballots were rejected, where the majority of rejected ballots were cast by registered voters and the majority of rejections were for reasons that were preventable”

—

Preventable? You mean like NOT spelling my last name (LeFevre) with an S (SeFevre?). WTF. I was made to vote provisionally, which is comparable to when you were in elementary school and your class would vote on the Presidential elections. It’s all for shits and giggles. I felt so dirty after submitting my provisional ballot I went home (across the street) and found documentation w/ the misspelling and went back to the polling station to try and get my provisional ballot removed so i could vote properly. I thought my plea of “This is the most important election of my life, I want this to count!” would help. Sadly it fell on deaf ears. Lesson learned: when you register to vote be as neat as possible with your handwriting. OR Stick with NY…because this kind of snafu never happened there. Stupid California. (at least the weather was nice)