Thursday, September 25, 2008

Overheard in LAX or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Dead Presidents

Old asian man: who is that? (Pauses, points at my sweet t-shirt) Tony Romo?

Del: Haha, no its not tony romo. Its Johnny Utah. Famous Ohio State quarterback!

Old asian guy (clearly has no clue who officer utah is and makes a sad "oh no the cruel embrace of Alzheimer's is setting in) "ohio state?

Del: yeah, remember? All american, he was gonna go pro till he blew out his knee in that big bowl game. Think it was the Rose bowl.

Old asian guy: ...

Ha. Good times. I would have kept going with the charade if he would've let me. Poor guy was so rattled he went through the metal detector with his belt on. The cruel security woman made him take his belt off and that resulted in far too much old man underwear(and possibly a weight lifting belt or man girdle) to be seen when his shorts dropped.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Lucas, You Fool: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Learn How to Embrace My Past

I was a worthless piece of crap yesterday at work, and for the first time it wasn't because of a hangover. That's a slight lie as I did drink, but it wasn't the usual "Shock and Awe" drinking session I usually subject my liver to. The Jaeger carpet bombing was silent for the Lord's day of rest. No I was tired because I insist on putting random movies on as I go to bed. Sunday's 1am showing was"Lucas". The tag line for the movie is "It's about falling in love. For the first time".

It should actually read "It's about falling in love. For the first time...and then having your heart ripped out and stomped on over and over you are totally oblivious to your short comings and the fact that you have no chance at getting the girl...who is gross anyway, as she's a creepy ginger."

Sorry, I shouldn't say any more. I'd hate to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it....or hasn't seen it since it came out (1986...damn my self inflicted carbon dating) but here are my key thoughts:

1) Gingers are dirty whores and can not be trusted! EVER!
2) Lucas would go trench coat mafia in this post columbine world. Guaranteed.
3) Charlie Sheen was (and I'm sure still is) a terrible friend
4) Lucas should have targeted the square Winona Ryder. So much hotter. Even back then, and so less ginger-y. Plus she was in to him. He could have gotten in that much need practice bang before he set his sights on the Ginger.

Why does this movie strike such a chord in the heart of the Deltron? Obviously I've never had an unrequited crush on a ginger. I've always been partial to brunettes...or pretty much any girl that doesn't melt in the sun.

I never had a sick fascination w/ locusts either.

Hmm, perhaps it was because my physique as a High school freshman was eerily similar to young Lucaplakia. I know I know, a shocking revelation. It's true my friends, this chiseled rock of muscle you see now was once the shortest kid of his grade. Even worse, his fraternal twin was not the second shortest.(He was third) Damn that Bastard. I suppose that would make me a bastard as well, but you get the idea. The spiked hair "blow fish" defense did nothing to fool others into puffing up my size. I just had to wait for the sweet sweet release that puberty would bring. Fortunately no one ever gave me the Lucas treatment. I'm guessing it was either because I didn't live in a trailer park and collect bugs OR because there weren't vats of Icy Hot to slather on my hairless man berries.

It wasn't all sour grapes as I did get to purchase Air Jordan's in 8th grade at the kid size discounted price. No shot Fran (my Mom) was going to dole out cash for the full priced adult sized cost.

Score one for the Lucas 2.0
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