Saturday, May 16, 2009

Ofoto, Oh No You Didn't: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Erasing Memories

Really, Ofoto? Are you really going to hold my jpegs hostage? Since when did Kodak become Hans Gruber? Don’t they know, much like any good president on “24”, my stance on terrorism is I do NOT comply with the demands of terrorists? Furthermore I thought we had a silent agreement: I’ll upload all my pics to your site, use it as an online picture hard drive, never buy anything, and you would look the other way. There’s no shot I’m spending $20 annually for your craptastic service. For what? Five year old pictures of an old girlfriend who’d cry her eyes out every time she saw said pictures. She had a terrible self image. Why would I want to be reminded of this? Can I pay $50 to get kicked in the balls while I’m at it?

You know what, I’ll run through some albums randomly and see if they’re worth $20

09/01/04 – I was the last of my high school friends to roll out the inevitable fat face. I was still rocking a slim jaw line in 2004. My peers were jealous. It’s funny you look around on Thanksgiving Eve and you say to yourself “Holy f*ck look at Redacted’s face! He looks like he swallowed himself! A few years later BAM! You have fat face! We never do see the fat face coming do we? On the plus side I can now do the Richard Nixon “I am not a crook” bit with some solid “Turner & Hooch” jowl sounds to punctuate it. (Make note of the sweet necklace).

05/02/06 - Best apartment wall ever. It acted perfectly as a green screen. Hours of Photoshop fun. Sadly the lighting in the shot looks like I pissed my pants. Ofoto, you’re not doing a good job of making me want to give u $20. Annually. Sweet stache though.

06/30/06 – Who is this guy? Why is he so awkward in this picture? Why is he blocking that sweet ass mural? Ofoto, do you really expect me to pony up an Ajax for this crap? I suppose I should blame myself for not having more impressive pictures, but we all though the good stuff goes to friendstermy space… facebook. Ofoto is for sharing pictures of potential apartments or for sending pics to people who are not on Facebook. Who needs friends like that? If they’re not on Facebook then they can’t compliment me on my sweet lens work or my recently slimmed down fat face. They can’t even “like a pic”. The bottom line is they can’t provide us me with validation and affirmation that we I desperately need….thus they are dead to us me.

03/21/07 – Tons and tons of photographic evidence of my drinking problem. Awesome. Who doesn’t love to see pictures of themselves when the lights are off upstairs? Look at my eyes in this one. That is straight black out face. Ofoto is that dick head friend who ruins your jolly hangover. Waking up you feel great about how handsome you were looking, how hilarious you were, and how god damn hot that chick you made out was…and then here comes your friend, Charlie O’ Foto to rain on your drunken parade. Chances are you blacked out for a reason, and this dick insists on reminding you with photographic evidence. “Oh you don’t remember last night?” he says smugly. “Your fly was open, you were about as funny as Carrot Top, and your chick had a uni brow and a Charlie Weis front ass. “ Prick. Not every night needs to be time capsuled. ..And if it does, wouldn’t you rather it be on Facebook for all your friends to see. Airing out that secret shame and acceptance are the first steps to recovery. If done right you’ll feel so good about your past transgressions you’ll be ready to hop back on that drunken horse and let it ride because, let’s be honest with each other,: nobody wants to see Bruce Banner. They want to see the Hulk.

05/05/07 - They say some pictures are worth a thousand words. Perhaps. A picture of a co-worker outside of a restaurant @ his going away party, finger blasting a statue is worth approximately thirty eight words…and definitely not worth $20.

I have two albums after that gem, because everything else is on Facebook….so you know what I say? I say Fuck You Kodak and your desperate clawing for money. You can’t change the rules on me. You don’t even offer the ability to embed slide shows in blogs or social networks. So bush league. That being the case this is a straight ransom job. You offer nothing but stolen memories and I just won’t have it. Out of spite of our broken covenant I’d rather go on a right clicking marathon and save my pics one by one and then pay for a flickr pro account.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker

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