Saturday, September 29, 2007

License to drive: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the DMV


I never really committed to living in LA. I enjoy holding on to my NY roots and my Prius didn't want Cali plates, regardless of the cushy "car pool lane" benefits it was entitled.

Never really...till yesterday.

My registration expired months ago and my NY license was soon to follow. Monday to be exact. I had to do the dreaded deed. Switch to Cali info...and I had to go Satan's hellmouth to do it.


FACT: I'm a horrendous driver. I'm a danger to anyone and everyone around me. Its been documented in previous blogs but allow me this brief chance to reiterate: My poor vision coupled w/ my lack of an attention span makes me a 4 wheeled missile...that gets really good miles per gallon...but a missile none the less.

Knowing this, I decided it was in my best interests to get to the DMV before my license expired. The shame of retaking the driver's test...and failing as countless teenagers snickered as they waited for their passage into adulthood would have been too much to take.

The car inspection went smoothly, as I actually had my paperwork in order. I'm fairly neat, but when it comes to "important paperwork" I'm a disaster. It should really be the other way around but I haven't been able to pull off that switch. Fortunately by some stroke of luck I had my title in my important paperwork bag

SS card, Birth certificate, & car title all in one easy to lose bag. Genius.

Not so luckily it seems to be missing from the bag now. This isn't the worst thing however as I'm sure its at the DMV. We'll find out on Monday. I left it there( i think) in a panicked rattle after I took my written test. That's right, I, as a new driver to California, had to re-take the written test.

Shit.

How hard could it be. All I had to do was get 6 or less wrong and I was golden. The girl with the braces and the old mexican lady w/ the cataracts next to me seemed to be breezing through it so why shouldn't I?

When a heavy fog occurs you should:

a)use high beams for best visibility.
b) park off to the right side of the road with you parking lights on.
c)park at a rest area or truck stop until the fog has lifted.


It's a pussy answer but clearly C is the way to go. I was on on my way. I breezed through the questions like my name was Chris Knight.


Feeling quite good about my answers I gave the lil old Mexican lady a wink (i can't be sure if she saw it..what with the cataracts and all) and walked to the desk to hand my answers in. Imagine my horror as I watched the DMV employee red mark answer after answer. Once she got up to seven, knowing full well the limit was six we had this exchange:

Del: (rattled) Ummm, are you marking off the right ones or the wrong ones?
DMV: The wrong ones...did you read the book?
Del: No, I already have a license.
DMV: (while checking off two more incorrect answers) So...do you want to take it again?
Del: Yes, can I do that now?
DMV: Sure, I'll give you the easy one.
Del: sounds good.

I sat back down and hoped to find redemption. Hmm, many of the same questions...I wonder which ones I got wrong. Which way do you turn your wheel when parked on a hill? Crap. Easy one my ass. I don't know what the hell a C1 form is. Bastards. I took my answers back up sheepishly and hoped for the best. The DMV clerk pulled out the red marker and went to town. I think my test gave her carpel tunnel syndrome. 7 Wrong. WTF. Was I getting punked? Please tell me that that ass clown Aston Kutcher was right around the corner laughing his ass off in a trucker hat. Then I remembered I wasn't a celebrity and I would not be saved. Time to turn on the charm:

Del: This is nuts, lets go take a drive right now. I'll make sure its extra safe.
DMV: My goodness, how long have you been driving for?
Del: Listen, I'm here because my ID expires on my birthday which is Monday...You wouldn't want to spoil my birthday would you.
DMV: OK honey...I give you passing grade.

That's right. I stooped to a new low. The charm worked on my lil dmv lady friend, even though I was covered in the stench of shame. I still got it.

Sidenote: When getting my birth certificate examined the DMV clerk brought it over to her supervisor to inspect. On her way back she said as she pointed to my name on my birth certificate : "That lady told me to tell you not to name your son that!"
Fuckers!
I wanted to yell out "what the hell is your name!?" but since I had just been gifted a passing grade I dialed my retort down to "Its the same exact thing as Robert. Is Robert a weird name to you?" We all had a great chuckle...and I cursed them under my breath.

I hate the DMV. (The hate will subside if they find my Title)

Sidenote II: What was my reward for getting my Cali License and Cali plates you ask? My dashboard yesterday lit up like a Fourth of July firework show. Three different icons that are Greek to me. The good people of Toyota were kind enough to let me know its most likely not going to be covered under my warranty..and that they'd need to keep my car till Monday...at the very least. I wonder if the DMV put in an emergency call to them to keep me off the roads. I could hardly blame them.

Time to head out for some blacking out. Taking a cab.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Dr Strange Love's TMZ: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bombs

Finally! After 50+ blogs I can finally TRULY honor my blog's entry titling inspiration, Dr Strangelove. Even better, the double entendres are off the charts as this quick hit blog is about both my "Strange Love" and "bombs".

Fact: One of the guilty pleasures of my miserable office life is hitting WWTDD, TMZ, and The Superficial for my morning fix of celebrity T&A.

Please quietly judge me from afar, Thanks.

Since Britney and Lohan are under wraps and not spreading (LIT-TRA-LEE) their love anymore, the good people at TMZ needed new inspiration. Well they found it in spades outside of Crimson on the 24th.

They got their inspiration...and I found my one true love. Never has a woman so entranced me with her combination of class, wit, sophistication, social graces, and what else...

oh yeah, GIANT BREASTS.

Watch the video

But again, its mostly her cleverness. I've always had a weakness for clever/feisty girls.
She's clearly got tits wits pouring out of her. Or something close to that.

Bottom Line: I think I'd forgive her if she puked spaghetti up in my bed.

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Now playing: Explosions In The Sky - Magic Hours
via FoxyTunes

Friday, September 21, 2007

Smell Ya Later: or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Double Entendres


How do I start this blog? A friend recently sent me a url that has me at a loss for words. That doesn't usually happen. This however has me tongue tied.

Let me just provide the link: www.smellmeand.com (NSFW)

Vulva? Really? I mean....Really? I suppose the sense of smell has long since been ignored when it comes to porn. The Scratch and Sniff Hustler just never caught on...and for good reason.

Good luck with this you sick sick bastards. Though I do have to say its a hell of a clever domain name. For you connoisseurs who insist on vaginal scented variety rest assured that the good people at Vivaeros are developing two new scent lines: "Eighteen" and "Exotic".


I'm holding out for "Stripper w/ Baby Daddy drama".

Now the big question is will Blogger block the attached video...

video


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Now playing: Lynyrd Skynyrd - That Smell

Monday, September 17, 2007

So Long Lonesome: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love leaving Austin

2:30 Austin Airport: Austin might be "the live music capital of the world" but I'll tell you this much: Their airport food court sucks...hard.

I was hoping for more Wendy's, but instead I got Earl Campbell's All Star Cafe.

I don't know how to put this...but he's kind of a big deal down here.

The menu was pretty skimpy. Hot dogs and sausages a plenty though. I ended up with ordering a LoneStar beer and a "Campbell's family recipe" sloppy joe. I think the Hunt's Manwich people can rest assured knowing that the Earl Campbell recipe has got nothing on them.

There wasn't much sloppy or joe to it.

I've never been so happy for a layover in Phoenix. Wifi and a real food court await.


Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Austin Day Three - 6:30pm Wilco

This was one of the bands I've always wanted to see but for some reason or another it never panned out. Today was the day. They were awesome.

If only they played "Misunderstood"

Too bad the crowd for them SUCKED. It seemed like the rednecks of the world have adopted Wilco as "their" band for the weekend . Lots of Hootin and Hollerin. This one slack jawed yokel would wait for a nice quiet part of a song, tap his girlfriend (or sister...perhaps both) on her shoulder and say "Watch this". He'd then proceed to do some crazy Lone Star mating call. Of course that would be followed up with a power high-five.

He was very excited

Wilco was on their game today...but I gotta say Jeff Tweedy has seen better days.

I wish i could say "on to The Decemberists" but they are way on the other side and 1/2 through their set. If today taught me anything its all about the front. No shot I'm going to sit in the back for a 1/2 set. Bob Dylan...maybe next time. I'm officially done w/ ACL for 2007.

Austin day 3 4:30: Bloc Party

Sitting through the horrendous Ben Kweller set and the hour set break in the blazing sun was totally worth it. Bloc Party killed it. Its my third time seeing them and they never get old.

video

The hour wait was pretty rough. Made bearable only because I made friends with two angry women from Charlotte who were "spot nazis". They wouldnt let anyone get past them. They were pretty intense. I think they made a fourteen year old kid cry. Needless to say I thought they were awesome.



Two things I noticed during the bloc party set:

1). Crowd surfing is borderline impossible in this day and age due to camera phones and digital cameras. The crowd is a sea of Rick Allens.

Surfers can not be supported by the one armed masses. I learned this when I saw the one attempted surf come crashing down to the ground straight on his back. Poor bastard. When i say poor bastard I mean ME because I didnt have my camera ready for the impact money shot.

2) Garreth from the BBC's version of "The Office" is the guitarist for Bloc Party. I have photographic evidence to back this up.


on to Wilco..

Austin day three: 2:42 Ben Kweller

How do you top an awesome set by The National? Ben Kweller is not the answer..but thats exactly where I am. Figured I'd beat the crowd for Bloc Party by sitting through Ben. I think the median age for the Kweller crowd is twelve. I blame FOX, The WB, UPN, and whatever that hybrid channel is ("The CW"?). Damn you Gilmore Girls!


Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

video

Austin day 3: The National Pre and Post

And we have our first ginger siting of the day. They must breed them down here.. Guess thats how i'll kill time, counting gingers.

I hate to be repititive but, two things:

1) Sweat is officially pouring off of me.

2) I wish this damn blackberry had a camera.

Pics will have to added later as I just set up direct blogging from my blackberry.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile


Update: The National were, taking everything into consideration, the best act I saw.

You just appreciate the music more when all the sweaty douchebags are in your rear view mirror. Case in point:


Austin city limits day three

Im here and im super early for the national. Best seats so far...but i do have 60 minutes of solo del time...wonder if i can catch a nap
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One Man Band: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being a Lone Wolf

You see you're instantly drawn in to this blog by my use of Wolf!. I'm on a solo mission from this point out. No more getting silently judged when I'm caught leering at girls. The plan of attack today is:
  • 1:30 - The National
  • 4:30 - Bloc Party
  • 5:30 - Amos Lee (who may get punted so I can get a good spot for Wilco
  • 6:30 - Wilco
  • 7:30 - The Decemberists
  • 8:30 - Bob Dylan
This is clearly the strongest day. I know this because Sara Hickman isn't scheduled to perform. Thank God!

Go back home already Hickman! GOSH! Oh, you're from Austin. I see. Carry on.


Saturday, September 15, 2007

Austin Day Two: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love LBJ

11:00pm Baby Mama Drama: Our cabbie was having issues with his ex wife. I was giving some awesome advice. Some real nonsensical shit. Sentences peppered w/ "You hear what I'm spittin" and "a'ights". I wish i had a better recall of it but I was in a Wendy's zone...and a bit drunk. Bottom line, he was so upset he didn't take us up on our offer for a free frostee. Shit's gotta be bad to pass up a frostee.



10:30 Cab Line:
This might take awhile. Now I have zero regrets about my bathroom break during the Arcade fire set. Game plan from here is Wendy's, shower, and then crash for tomorrow.


9:15:
Wow...that lasted longer than I expected. Sorry people. I'm sure it was 100% beer anyway. No harm No foul. Your sneakers reeked anyway.

Lucky for you the cup went forward...it could have been 10X worse.

9:02pm:
God what a relief that was. The game after that was the shift to the left and see how long the cup stayed vertical...mind you it was full to the brim.

9:00pm:
Unreal. I have to piss again. There's no shot I'm leaving this set though. What do we have here....Hello souvenir cup. Please God, let my bladder only contain 22 ounces.



8:30pm Arcade Fire:
The heat and BO was all worth it as Arcade Fire was awesome as expected. I'd hoped to hear "Cold Wind" as an encore. No such luck.

Big Thanks To Tiffany, Larry Bird and Co for saving us our spots.




7:30 Clap Your Hands Sort of:
Executive decisions were made. Beer and Bathroom runs (seriously I need a Cather at this point) and getting back to our friends for the good spot for Arcade Fire take precedence over Clap Your Hands. Fortunately I had to cross through the CYHS crowd so i got to catch two of my favorite songs: Satan Said Dance & Skin of My Yellow Teeth". Good Times.




6:45:
Winner of the "I couldn't have said it any better" award for Day II




Arctic Monkeys 6:30:
I have to say I was pleasantly pleased with them. They're kind of like an English Strokes...or a Less Heroin Infused Libertines. I think setting up camp early and getting a good space also helped.





Cock n Balls 5:55:
"Tattoo man, I'd like to have a cock and balls tat on my back...but can you make it subtle and maybe futuristic? Oh and its gots ta have wings!" DONE!




Andrew Bird Bathroom 5:30:
We met some cool people from St Louis. We had a lot in common. St Louisianans LOVE White Castle. After that we hit the bathroom line, which was LITERALLY a shit show.

The influx of people for day two made things a bit more challenging. There would be no way to pull of the scheduling. Time for an audible. We'd have to punt Andrew Bird...and Clap Your Hands (sort of) and anchor down for the Arctic Monkeys and Arcade Fire...as they were on the same stage. It sucked because I was very excited to see CYHSY. On the plus side, this allowed us more beer time.



Beer Time 4:30:
This is step it up time for beer drinking. The plan is to pound three tall "souvenir" cups, eat, and hit the bathrooms all during this short break. Time for the game face.

Mr Mook comes out to play





Gingers 4:oopm:
There are ginger spottings everywhere. Quite frankly its an alarming rate. I thought there were rules about this. Gingers can only go out in the sun for 15 minutes and they have to have umbrella hats and spf 1000 spackled to their faces. This one looked like she might be melting from the heat and sun. I'd warn her...but I fear Gingers.

What a world...what a world...



3:41:
Some kid just dropped right in front of us...at friggin 3:3o. Someone should have told him its a marathon not a sprint. He was sucking down bowl hits like his name was Woody Harrelson. Getting a picture was a bit tough.

"Brah, you shoulda worn a mesh hat. Shit keeps you cool...while looking cool!

Kid went down like Glass Joe in Mike Tyson's Punch-out.

People were yelling "Stay Down!" at him every time he tried to get up. He was ACL's very own Rudy Ruettiger.



Cold War Kids 3:35:
Some pretty solid drumming. It's a shame that their name makes them seem like they're in the same class as Fall Out Boy and Panic At the Disco. That said, they were a pleasant surprise.
It's nice to see Woody Harrelson in the spotlight again.


3:10 Austin City Limits: Officially sweating.

Cab 2:30:
Sharing a cab w/ two concert goers. Both voted for Muse over The Arcade Fire. What am I missing here?


Austin Hilton 1:30pm:
Apparently LBJ was a HUGE fan of Cisco's tamales. Who knew. Weirdly enough they were not on the menu. I got the "wolf omelet". Can't go wrong with throwing the world "wolf" in front or after another word to sell me on something everything. Wolf Omelet, Teen Wolf, and TV on the Radio's "Wolf Like Me". All awesome.

Cisco says: "No wolves were harmed in the making of this omelet!"

Now we're regrouping at the hotel before the show. Regrouping = showering for the second time thanks to the Austin heat. Good times. Should speed up the blackout process...that is if we can stay for the whole show. I did manage to pick up a puma wristband for today. It's so on Austin. Watch out!


Austin Day 2 11:00am:
We were early arrivers at the concert yesterday and what did that get us? An ass kicking by Lady Karma. Yes I know I need to blog the reasons for missing Queens of The Stone Age (kind of a big deal) and The Killers (I'm over it) but I can't do it just yet. The wounds are still too raw. Too soon.

Today will be different, I can feel it. We've decided to get to the show at 3pm. That will give Lady Karma less chances to fuck us. The plan is to see:


  • 3:30 - Cold War Kids
  • 5:30 - Andrew Bird
  • 6:30 - Arctic Monkeys
  • 7:30 - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
  • 8:30 - The Arcade Fire
Many a person is telling me I should be seeing Muse over The Arcade Fire...but I just can't do it.
Let me add this, there's NO SHOT I'll be catching Blue October, Stephen Marley, and WHAT, Sarah Hickman again??? WTF...How does she get two sets for this concert? She must have incriminating pictures of Austin's elite. That's the only explanation.

Maybe Hickman has evidence that fingers LBJ (One of America's biggest seekas* and the pride of Austin) as the mastermind behind JFK's assassination. We're headed to his old hangout for breakfast. I'll let you know if everything tastes extra salty in his LBJ's honor.


Putting JFK on your re-election buttons...a true seeka move.

*Seeka -
This is a word that got invented in college. It is a synonym for Scumbag. It was invented after one of my college roommates, whose name was Seeka, would do things like
  • filter his bong water in my other room mates Brita
  • urinate in his roommates bed...
  • light people's shirts on fire at the bars
  • Slam the top of people's beer bottles to make them overflow...and in true seeka fashion his overzealous slams would cause the other person's beer bottle to break. I always regretted showing him this trick.
There are countless others but its still too early for me to think. I'll add more later. Bottom line people across the school, and even the "townies" began using the term "seeka", often including a fist pump a la Jerry Seinfeld's classic "Newman". the practice still goes on to this day, much to his chagrin.

Friday, September 14, 2007

City Limits: DAY 1: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Austin

6:00pm Austin Hilton: What am I doing back @ the Hotel and not getting ready for the QOTSA you ask? Great Question. That's a whole new blog that will happen shortly. Lets just say Lady Karma, even if you treat her right, is a skanky ass two timing whore!


3:35 Peter Bjorn & John:
I chose them over Blonde Redhead and never looked back! I don't like Gingers...even if its only a clever band name. Good band banter and they made fun of Pete Yorn. Plus they brought in a cute blonde to sing the "young folks" duet.



2:30: Our first fire...and no more Pete Yorn (not such a bad thing)!



2:15:
Time to show ACL my inner thug life. Tupac style. . On to Peter Yorn.


2:11 Still Joseph Arthur: Uh oh, the chorus to this song is "May God's love be with you!" WTF. When did this turn into a Creed concert...I'd still embrace the girl guitarist...."With arms with open!"


1:45 Joseph Arthur: Joseph Arthur kind of rocks. You can never go wrong with three guitars. I'm debating if i should tell people I was introduced to him by Fox's "The O.C."........Too late. Added bonus, a kind of hot girl guitarist. I shall call her Meg 2.o. OR maybe Amy Maples.




1:18: Jesse Malin: He went on a rant, while in song, about Craig's List, My Space, Youtube, and countless other Del staples. What the fuck! Is he Amish? Fuck him and his David Gray sounding ass.Good luck w/ your career..........BABYLON!


12:57: Couldn't have said it any better.



12:37: Easily the worst job in Austin. Doubt they're selling too many phones when they're drenched in middle aged sweat.




NOON Austin City Limits: It's noon, I've been here for ten minutes and I'm already sweating like a Bihler. Time for beer.



10:ooam Austin Hilton: First artist will be Joseph Arthur at 1:30pm. So sorry you Sarah Hickman and Loretta Williams of the world...I'm not getting up early to see your Lilith Fair asses. Breakfast now. Updates to follow. If only I had a camera phone I could update on the fly. Damn you Blackberry 8700, why can't you be more like the Blackberry Curve!
 
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