Saturday, April 26, 2008

Crash Course: or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Hate Facebook

Bad things happen in threes. That's the old adage. Lets check the score card

1) one of my og Los Angeles Sunday funday drinking partners up and left the sunny goodness that is The Beer Garden and LA and drove off towards the rainy sunset of the pacific North West. A huge loss. Some might say irreplaceable. That said, tomorrow we will be fielding applications at On The Waterfront for her replacement. Be there anytime from 1pm to 8pm. Bring your resume.

2) Work decided that I needed to move my office space. I'm going from a sweet corner window office with a killer view to a windowless war bunker with a desk from the 1830's and a couch that looks as if someone may have given birth on it. Hardly the worst part. No, the worst part is that the water cooler resides right outside my new door. This will undoubtedly increase the stop and chats I'm forced to absorb. I'm not sure I'm ready for the inevitable "Hey, just getting a little h20! Gotta stay hydrated!" or "Barkeep, how about a nice tall cold one!". Damn the person who said the human body needs eight glasses a day. Can't these people just do what everyone else does and binge drink at night and then drink gatorades (since it's LA i suggest Gatorade's H2. Half the carbs, FATTY!) the next day. The only saving grace of this move is that I'm now off the main hall and I have direct access to the Houdini escape hallway.

3) Lost. I went to the dodgers game on Thursday and watched Joe Torre bungle another lineup. So glad that people are finally finding out what a sham of a manager he is. Who bats Matt Kemp 8Th?? Never liked any of those damn Torres. Screw him and his annoying sister and brother. (ed note: his sister is a nun and his brother is a cancer survivor. Del go straight to hell, do not collect $200!). After the Dodger game i was convinced to go Wee Britain's #1 hotspot Britannia instead of being responsible and watching Lost. Turns out it never really mattered because my DVR decided to record "Bingo America" (damn you Grace) instead of Lost. I know its only a TV show, but it's kind of a big deal. My phone and email was peppered with OMGs and WTFS on Friday from fellow Lostites. Not pleased.

So there you have it bad times in threes. And then came the dreaded four. Four is the whore of them all. She really fucked me. Allow me to explain:

Friday morning, I woke up with relatively no hangover. Pretty surprising since I stayed in wee Britain till 2am. I'm guessing the dodger dogs absorbed most of the damage. I was in such good shape I figured I'd leave early and stop for some gas and a windshield washing. After that i hit Lincoln and being a bit early Lincoln was cruising at a nice crisp 40 miles per hour. While cruising I grabbed my blackberry and took a glance at my "Facebook Mobile". "Come on Fetch those status updates, I really need to see my friend's ex-girlfriend's 8th status update of the morning" i said to myself as I looked up and saw an SUV parked right in front of me. I jammed on the brakes to no avail. We have contact. Awesome. luckily for them they had a tank of an SUV that registered zero damage. Unawesome for me, my cat pee stained Prius was banged up.

This is the part of the story when I explain that I've been driving w/ a suspended license since 12/17/07. Of course whenever anyone hears "suspended license they conjure up images of some shady ass drunk dude who may or may not run over homeless people. That's not the case here. My suspension is relative to paperwork and politics. Lousy democrats!. I moved from NY to Cali 2 years ago but only recently changed over to Cali plates. In doing so I mailed my old plates back to NY. The NY DMV never received them. This caused a domino effect that led to my cali license getting suspended. So let's recap: Hungover Del, driving w/ a suspended license, rear ended an SUV. Not good. Out came the SUV passengers and they were elderly and speaking a great deal of broken English. Even worse. We exchanged information, and by this I mean I gave them my insurance card and license to write down as i scanned Lincoln Blvd for the LAPD. If a cop were to show up I'd be in the clink for the weekend. I've seen enough episodes of OZ and watched Shawshank Redemption on TBS far too many times. Boggs and the sisters are relentless. I didn't need any hardened lifers calling me a Fish. I don't know what that means and I wasn't about to find out. We banged out the info exchange quickly and the cops never showed. The only thing i said to the elderly couple was "Why were you stopped?" to which they responded with well I'm not exactly sure what they said. They did have a third passenger with them who acted as a translator for them Sadly he translated from very broken English to slightly broken English. I think he said they stopped because the car in front of them stopped short. Damn that phantom invisible car.

Damn you Wonder Woman.

So I'm thinking my Lollapalooza money is now going towards paying to fix my Prius. Damn that cursed car. I want to get rid of it asap. Maybe get a Smart Car. Smart Car + Dumb Driver = Hilarity and Hijinx.

Today I will lick my wounds with my Bad Things in Threes Fours by listening to the NFL Draft at the beach w/ my roommate's boombox like my name was Radio Raheim. Does anyone have 12 D batteries?


Anonymous said...

wouldve much rather read the blog you wrote after the weekend in the clink, but thats just me.

ps: loved this. good read buddy, good read!


Anonymous said...

Hey! fantastic topic, but will this really work?

Clicky Web Analytics