Slim Goodbody: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Doctor's Orders

“ UM…you might want to consider cutting back your intake so you have ‘real sleep’ "my doctor said after I told him my “social drinking” consisted of or around twelve drinks. My sadly sincere retort was “Drinks? So does that include shots and jaeger bombs?”

I don’t think he was amused.

After step one of the Del Health push for late 2008 hit a setback (the chantix prescription not being covered under my Atena) I moved forward w/ step 2: Going back to the gym. I’ve been paying for a $70/month gym membership that has gone unused for a good portion of the year. Last year I was a machine at the gym. This year, still a machine…but of the soft serve variety. The doctor’s orders for my fatigue were to not give me adderall (This, people, is why I am not a Doctor) and for me to go back the the gym. Yesterday was the first day. I excitedly parked in front and walked up to the glass doors. I was ready to become a new man. However, as i peered into the giant glass entrance I saw that it was empty. I don’t mean “Empty” in the sense that no one was there working out, I mean it was fucking empty. Cleared out. Tumbleweeds. No machines, no bikes, no lockers, no bad music blaring from the sound system. Someone out there doesn’t want me to shed my lifestyle of hazy nights, bleary mornings and winded stairs.

I blame the government.

I guess it's time to break out those Perfect Pushups I call coasters with handles.

related side note: Do they make a chantix for jaeger bombs?

NetFacts: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Borrowers

The jig is up.

Netflix locked out my account. Damn my trip back to NY. Sure it was great to see the family and friends but it ruined my netflix efficiency. The trip slowed down my queue activity to the point where I felt like my hand was forced. By "forced" I mean "lying to netflix that i sent back movies so they would send out new movies asap". It's the oldest trick in the book. The good ol' "report shipping problem"maneuver. Sadly I've been the dirtbag who cried Wolf far too often and they locked out my account.

Heed my warning: Don't Lie to Netflix.

Otherwise you’ll resort to this kind of tomfoolery:

Netflix Customer Support: What seems to be the issue today?
Del: My account was placed on hold.
Netflix: It shows here that a great deal of movies have been flagged missing and then are returned much later.
Del: Gee. really? My roommate mailed back a movie on the 30th…and it never got to Netflix, so I flagged it as lost in the mail.
Netflix: I see. Where did he mail it from?
Del: “He put it outside, under a rock, on my apt mailbox. Gosh, do you think someone is taking them?”
Netflix: “Sir, it sounds like you have what i like to call a “Borrower”*. They stalk outside mailboxes and take other people’s movies and watch them...and then send them back…and if they really like them THEY WILL KEEP THEM!
Del: OH! Somebody would do that?
Netflix: Sir, You’d be surprised how often it happens.
Del: Goodness, I think i should not leave my dvds out under a rock anymore.
Netlix: That sounds like a fine idea sir.



Del’s thoughts: Sure it was embarrassing to act like a Sarah Palin, especially when i decided to turn the ham up and ask if there was a way to look up the ship and return dates**. (like a savvy Netflix vet like myself wouldn't know that. Come on). If that wasn’t enough I asked if i could get a investigative phone call next time a rental went longer than 10 days. As she tried to explain how stupid the request was I cut her off and said “You know what, I betcha if i just follow your instructions and stop putting my movies under the rock I’ll be OK! huh?". Judging from her reaction I think she was quite impressed that the Joe Six Pack on the other line was able to come to that conclusion.

We’ve all learned a valuable lesson here, Don’t Lie to Netflix...and if you do lie, act like a complete buffoon so you'll lower their expectations.

Del note: Sadly, this is actually the second time I had to stoop to these type of shenanigans. I guess soon it will be time to be honest w/ Netlfix...or switch to Blockbuster.

* Borrower: she was so pleased when she used this name she obviously coined for movie thieves. It was so cute. God bless her. I could hear her air quoting as she said the word and then nudging her customer support buddy on the right while mouthing "I told you 'Borrower' was so money. I think its gonna stick! Did you start using it?"

** ship and return dates: I went on about how i could try and study the return history and possibly find a pattern to deduce who was grabbing the movies. She humored me and we went through a questionable period at the end of January. I kept muttering to myself "Hmm, end of January...interesting" as if it meant something. She was not impressed with my suggestion of a stakeout.

Speaking of stakeouts...I better go update my queue.