Monday, July 27, 2009

Taming of the Screw: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pain on Wheels.

After biking for six miles on my newly purchased from craigslist bike I give you:

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Hate My Fucking Bike (Letterman Style)

10: There’s no kickstand. You’d think I’d have noticed this during the craigslist wooing face of the transaction…but I was quite hungover.

9: The paint job. The seller couldn’t tell me how old the bike was but because of its super sweet “EXTREME” paint job I can easily carbon date it back to the early to mid 90s.

8) Thanks to the seat my ass needs a rape kit.

7) The peddles are like bear traps for your feet. Sharp, metallic, and blood thirsty.

6) If i stop peddling the gears magically change on their own. They either suck or I’m the proud owner of an automatic transmission.

5) There looked to have been some sort of insect colony in the back reflector hole. Which leads me to wonder where they are now?…and what are they waiting for. Perhaps they are the ones who are changing the gears.

4) The back tire appears to be bent, initially something that neither I, the Horatio Caine of Bike Investigation, nor my roommate noticed. After learning of it I didn’t think it would be too big of a deal as the bend in the rim was barely noticeable but…..

3) it is just enough to cause the back brakes to not brake. Now on the hills of Santa Monica I get to play a little game w/ cars that I like to call “Are you going to honor your stop signs?”. A funny and easy game w/ only two outcomes.

2) The bike is named “MTN TAMER”. The only way it could be more gay is if i had a Hello Kitty basket on the handle bars

1) and the #1 reason why I hate my bike is my roommate bought a borderline brand new beach cruiser w/ a kick ass lock for $50 I.E. the same price I paid for my deathtrap on wheels (sans lock….brakes…….and kickstand.)

Lesson Learned: Do not test ride bikes in sketcky venice alleys when you’re super hungover.

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