Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Roommate for hire or: How I learned to Stop worrying and love Mrs Rain Man

As stated in my last blog its the end of an era. Alaina is officially moved out. Sadly her odor is here to stay. I kid, i joke....sort of.
(FACT: when someone came to check out the empty room they entered it and said "OOH, i thought the lease didn't allow for pets?" I laughed and said "No, you're right it doesn't.")

ed note: that fact was a blatant lie

We all knew this day was coming, but sadly it creeped up on us faster than expected....due in part to the frequent blackouts I'm guessing. Knowing we had big shoes to fill i started posting on Craigslist early. I initially posted a rather basic craig's listing to try and recruit a new roommate. It was all business. Schtick Free. Sadly these are the types of people who responded to it:

  • Hot "Nigerian" students looking to finish their studies in Santa Monica. (Scammers)
  • FOUR, that's right FOUR Turk grad students...who wanted to split one room. I'd hoped they were scammers...because that would make more sense. S adly I met them and they were serious in their intent to divide the room four ways.
  • A plethora of boyfriend/girlfriend pairs that were ready to move in together, but not ready to be just by themselves...."so why not move into a three bedroom!"
    That's TOTALLY not weird or awkward. Sounds like a rock solid relationship.
  • Some dude whose hobbies included hunting and trapping animals! I don't know why he left off pillaging and plundering.
  • A Go-Go Dancer. (not all were bad!)
There were others but I tried blocking out their creepy emails and their even creepier visits.

To regroup we reposted on craig's list and added the following:

We are two laid back guys in our late 20s. Our other roommate
just moved to NY and, if we are the heart and soul of this apartment, I
feel like she was the sense of humor. To be honest, I didn't think we would
have to find a new roommate because I never believed that she was actually
moving until she packed up all her stuff and got on the plane. But, alas,
she's New York's problem now and it may just be your lucky day.

We are looking for the right guy or girl that can fit the vibe of our apartment.
Our interests include football, wiffleball, frisbeer, Sunday drinking,
cleaning up after ourselves, Netflix, baseball, bombs (especially of the
Jagger, Irish Car, and Sake varieties), and paying our rent on time.

This isn't going to work if you are easily offended, a vegan, a recovering
alcoholic (or never been an alcoholic), a ginger, a supporter of Cal Ripken,
a Holy Cross alumnus, a Canadian (we will make an exception if you are
Rachel McAdams, Elisha Cuthbert, or Rick Moranis - Celine Dion, Alan Thicke,
and Alanis Morissette need not apply), or if you have a problem paying
your rent on time.

After posting this the floodgates opened up. Lots of people replying back and expressing their hatred of Canadians and Gingers. Nothing like soliciting strangers for hate emails!

(ed note: i accidentally forwarded our anti ginger stance to a ginger who was inquiring about the apt. Shockingly I never heard back from her.)

Good times.

What was not a good time was the potential roommate who showed up last night. Brutal on just about every human level. She was so socially awkward...and 40! The worst part is she WOULD NOT leave. It was painful. She would not stop talking (weirdly enough she had nothing to say, and her mouth didn't really move, but she wouldn't stop).

What I mean is, she had diarrhea of the mouth, but it was runny and there was no substance to it. If she wasn't yapping about one of her sisters, or her sister's husband, or her sister's husband's dog, or her sister's love of George Bush (she thinks he's dreamy!) she was rattling off stream of conscience points of interest of Santa Monica. "The Pier.........................awkward pause.........Main Street............................Shutters!..............The Promenade....err, shops, restaurants. " It was like sitting in a room with Rain Main.

All i could say was "Yes, it's a great location.....and you will be far clear of it if I have any say!"
(small font = said under my breath)

She happened to be a HUGE Yankee fan...and i made the mistake of having Baseball Tonight on. She was mesmerized. She was equally psyched because it gave her a chance to go on another long tangent about her sister's husband. At this point I made a B-line for the fridge to find something to dull my senses. Vodka, all out. Miller Lite Tall Boys, all gone. I was screwed.

I went out to the mailbox to pretend like I was checking the mail and into a neighbor's apt to get a breather while Pat was stuck with her. My theory was if it was a one on one dialogue there would be a far greater chance for awkward silence. EVERYONE knows the awkward silence is the social cue for "OK, we're done here, move along". Not this girl. It stands to reason that every waking moment of her life, whether it be silent or not, is 100% awkward. So she NEVER picks up on these cues. I shit you not she stood there and watched HD Sportscenter oblivious to the world. After an hour of her yammering and TV watching I i couldn't take it anymore! I said:

"I'm sorry, there's no beer here and i really need a drink so you're gonna have to leave...NOW!"

I know it sounds mean. What would have been really mean is if we went to let her out, and instead of walking out with her we closed the door on her face and locked it.......and then laughed at her through our mail slot.

(ed note: we don't have a mail slot...but it would be funny if we did.)

Needless to say she will not be living with us. She's a chef though. So if any of you are in the market for a roommate feel free to look her up.

UPDATE: I think we found our center. Her name is Brittany and she is a solid wing-woman and a fan of Tom Petty. Can't really ask for more. She's earned the Master bedroom.


Colleen said...

I guess you would really hate living with sheehy...given he is a HC alumni/ginger beard. He is obviously pure evil. ijujst was tipped off about your blog and i love it.

Deltron3030 said...

He is satan himself! I'm surprised your baby didn't come out with giant ginger horns and a pitchfork. Hopefully your non ginger blood will water your satan spawn down.

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