Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Reverse the Hex: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Time travel

The bad mojo has found a new dojo. Finally. Nothing bad has occurred to me since my last blog. Even better I found out that I'll be needed in NYC for 2 weeks for some training at work. This means Thanksgiving in NY!* With that in mind, and no flight booked for Christmas, I present to you:
GRANDSTANDING IN A PILE OF FILTH 4.0
Wednesday November 21st 2007 9pm-?**

Top ten reasons to go to the Grandstand on Christmas Thanksgiving EVE

10) A jukebox that never changes: Some might consider this a con, not I. Thanks in part to a total disinterest in keeping w/ the times, there is no chance you'll be subjected to hearing "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy". You really can't put a price on that.

9) Fine art & sports memorabilia decorating the walls: All preserved under layer upon layer of dirt and smoke residue. The Mona Lisa should be so lucky. Their collection of NY sports newspaper clippings from the late 60's to the mid 80's is unparalleled.
90's and the 00's...not so much.

<-Fine art indeed...sans this of course.

8)Gaming: Not only do you have the ubiquitous pool table, but as an added bonus there is Shuffleboard. A rare find.

Note: You haven't lived till you've been subjected to a black out drunk's shuffleboard smack talk. Other games include: "OverUnder"***, "No Way"****, and "Mystery Meat*****"

7) Time Warp TV: Who needs those fancy plasmas? "The Stand" has a BIG Screen TV. Yeah it's from 1982, but it's still a big screen. I bet it was a big night when that TV found out who shot JR.

6)Interesting local "characters": I've never been brave enough to snap any good pictures but please take my word for it. The Grandstand is all about quality, not quantity. It might not be wall to wall packed but you get an eyeful. The best part you ask? There's always a good chance you'll see someone wearing zubaz.

You probably can't make it out but the date stamping on this pic is 01/18/2005. I shit you not.

If you've decided to enter "The Bar That Time Forgot" chances are you're either:
a) on a "Grandstanding evite" for that one particular night of the year
b) in that stool EVERY day.

There is no in between.

5) Under the Radar-itis: There's a 0% chance of an awkward stop and chat w/ any unsavory people from your past (not including the people reading this of course). This is something many other bars can not offer.

4) The Black Hole: Make sure you've taken care of all your planning before you've arrived because cell phone coverage is nonexistent. The Time Warp strikes again. If you have to get in touch with someone you can use the pay phone that is almost certainly covered in ear herpes. Added Bonus: Watch as I frantically flail my arm around in a vain attempt to get a cell signal to send out a text. Yes I am addicted. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

3) Finger Sandwiches: It takes a brave man to sit down at one of the rec room-esque tables @ The 'Stand and commit to ingesting whatever food they are offering...but people do it. Mind you these people are usually drunk as shit...or named "Sal".

2)The soiled recliner: Under any other circumstances you would never consider sitting in such filth....but the stand lolls u into a false sense of security. Its the dirty old basement/ rumpus room that you never had...or had but your crazy old alcoholic lesbian aunt lived there so it was no fun to hang out there.

and the # 1 reason to go the grand stand on Thanksgiving Eve.......Cheap Drinks. Buy rounds like a rock star and still receive change.

The bottom line: I'm beyond excited for Thanksgiving Eve. What's the weather forecast for next week? It looks like they added an outdoor "beer garden"....


Ed notes:


* my original plan was to spend the holiday w/ the Terry family and Rockband. A pretty solid backup option....except for the fact that they judged me and my request for milk at the dinner table. (Little did they know as recent as two years ago I'd normally drink whole milk instead of 1%).

**?: A party so kick ass that no one knows the end time? Hardly. I left it as a question mark as I was unsure what time the Health Inspector would be closing the bar down for countless health code infractions.

***Over/Under: To see who will be buying the 1st round everyone guesses how many people will be in the bar when we enter. Stick w/ single digits on the low side and you're in line for a free beer.

****No Way: This is when you see someone you haven't seen in 10+ years and there is no semblance of that person's previous self in their new aged shell. You uncontrollably belt out "No Way". Keep score. If you find yourself saying "No Fucking way!..." score it as a double.

Note: If you've never said "No Way!" chances are people are saying it about you.


**** Mystery Meat: A game I don't recommend for the sober or weak of stomach. While playing pool you bet "sandwiches". If the other person misses their shot they have to eat the mystery finger sandwich of your choosing. They sink the shot, you eat the sandwich. Adds a bit of strategy when you're picking the poison.





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Now playing: Queens Of The Stone Age - Sick, Sick, Sick

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Where did these scary daylight pictures come from?

Deltron3030 said...

that's the beauty of the internet. You can find anything. That said, I've been to The Grandstand in daylight time once or twice...

#1 Fan Aileen Hughes said...

I will be buying everybody drinks all night if you come to The Grandstand!!!

Damon said...

Dude. This is funniest thing I've seen in weeks. And last Sunday I wrote "Balls" and "Cock" on my friend PJ's head when he passed out. This is classic.

Annie said...

One of the best blogs yet. Have a great Thanksgiving Eve Del...and remember to take some pics. Your cold glass of Milk and the Terrys will miss you!

 
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