Sunday, February 25, 2007

Valley of the Damned

Yesterday was a day of failed missions that lead, as usual, back to "The Loop" (seriously Neil, get cracking on the site already!). However before I can even get into that I need to share a horror story that could only happen in the dreaded VALLEY.

My friend Sandra called and asked me to take a ride with her to the aforementioned Valley because she wanted to check out a Craigslist sale. She explained that the dude sounded creepy on the phone and she needed someone to protect her. Now that I'm a gym rat and I'm taking Nitrix I'm that guy. 160 pounds. All muscle. Well, mostly all bones and Miller Lite but no one needs to know that. Back to the valley. We head over to some god forsaken part of the town to meet with "Daniel". Daniel just broke up with his life partner and he's running to lick his wounds (and bangers) in London. "Daniel" is a train wreck"....

The Craigslist sale was a dead end unless you're a big fan of nautical themed furniture and nick knacks (I tried to talk Sandra into picking of the mugs labeled Captain and First Mate....but no dice. I was impressed with my ability to contain my jackass one liners. I was dying to say "Wow, you really like boating....guess you love covering yourself in sea men." or "Nice model can really see the details in the poop deck!" Turns out the last laugh was on me.

Remember when I said "Daniel" is a train wreck"....well that Ellipsis was a doozy!

Apparently "Daniel" likes to greet guests by masturbating in his living room. I did not witness this as I was lagging behind Sandra (so I guess I failed at my bodyguard duties) but apparently Daniel answered the door with his pants open. I missed this and offered the friendly handshake as I entered and as I left. Damn my manners. Trying to use logic to ease my nerves of what I've just learned I say "Nah, he wasn't doing way...he doesn't even have a TV, and there were other people in the house." Too bad I saw "Little Children" and I now know these sick bastards know no kind of masturbation restraint. Animals! We jump in the car, try to forget what just occurred and make our way out of the dreaded valley. Even though I'm dying to scrub up my hands O.R. style I insist on stopping off a Bay Cities for food. (I pulled the crack head move of not eating all day and I'm dying.) So we stop and I get a meatball sub and then I'm tempted during the wait to also get a cabrese salad. In my weakened state I immediately dip my hands into the pint and grab some zesty mozzarella...and Sandra does the same. As I lick the olive off my finger tips I freeze! I just put the handshake hand in my mouth...and so did Sandra! (Her own hand.) I licked my HANDSHAKE HAND!

There wasn't enough Listerine in the world to quench my antibacterial thirst. Damn the Valley. I'm never going back! NEVER!

After that travesty I needed to drink. Alot. Started drinking in the apt while watching the always awesome "Boys n the hood". I've decided to officially change my name to Furious' Styles. Later I Went to La Cabana where I was surprised to see that it is a hotspot for hipsters. I texted a friend to let them know where we were and I mentioned the overabundance of hipsters. She, being Mexican, was unfamiliar with the term hipster (much in the way I was unfamiliar with what a "Torta" was) so I tried to explain via text” I wrote "faux-hawks, beards, vintage tees, glasses, ride vespas..." and then I stopped. I just described myself! (Sans vespa of course). I am the ENEMY! Furious Styles would not be proud.

Later in the evening eople wanted to hit a lounge /club on Lincoln Blvd, but the line was around the block. I’m not a club guy to begin with….but even less of a fan when there’s a line. My goal in life is to never go anywhere that has lines…and ESPECIALLY if you have to wait to be inspected by some mook bouncer before getting approval to enter. Fuck that. Plan B: World CafĂ©.

Best Plan B ever.

We set up shop next to the Mojito bar and got ready to race. Nothing is more ridiculous then a table of eight pounding mojito after mojito. Sonny Crocket was right. They are awesome. To think I wasted my life never having them before. They taste as delicious as Minute Maid lemonade. Lemonade that makes you more handsome, tougher, and smarter. Some might argue that the mojitos had the complete opposite effect on the night. Those people are dicks.

Side note: I was duped into going over a girls house and becoming her and her roommates personal Schneider. I was promised use of their washer and dryer if I helped with some AV wiring and some bedroom labor. Seemed like a fair trade off as I HATE the Laundromat and my buildings washer and dryer are slow and always unavailable. So after doing fix-it chores throughout the apt I went over to the dryer to switch loads. After a full hour in the dryer my clothes were still soaking wet. Maybe even wetter. In true Hood Rat fashion the girl forgot to pay her Gas bill. Felt Bamboozled. Hood (rat) winked. Oh Bell Biv Devoe you only warned me about big butts and never once said “Don’t trust a hood rat!”

Side note II: Don’t call borderline strangers “Prison Mike” (Regardless if their name happens to be Mike.). I might as well have offered up black haus shots while I was at it. “They” must think I’m a crazy cross burner. Damn this foot in mouth disease.

Note: if you haven’t already seen it, you tube the clip from “The Office”. It’s priceless.
(i'd paste the clip in here...but my office is blocked...bastards)

1 comment:

stalkerlocket said...

They say that the valley is the porn capital of the world, but we know the truth. It's definately the solo sex capital of the world.

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