Friday, July 6, 2007

Three Strikes and You're Out: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Tomfoolery

Lets take a trip down memory lane shall we. Now I know what you're thinking: "Here comes another stand alone irrelevant story of my misguided youth".

False. This is quite topical.

This past week I was introduced to the magic of celebrating the Fourth of July in San Diego. Far too often in life you're let down by the inability of a hyped up event to meet your puffed up expectations. This wasn't one of those times. Even with all the missteps we took it still managed to be a killer day in Pacific Beach.

It's official. I'm opening up the new Interep Office in San Diego.

Misstep I: Getting Trashed on the 3rd.
This was inevitable. Were we supposed to stay in and rest up for the 4th? That wasn't gonna happen! Going to SD for the 1st time and headed to an 80's club for some one's birthday had all the warning signs of a dangerous night. To make matters worse it was a 21st birthday (don't you judge me!) and they were serving PBR tall boys. Fast Forward to me spooning the birthday girl in the AM. Poor girl. I'm a snorer. That's no way to celebrate your voyage into adulthood. (and for all you sick bastards out there that is not a subtle way of saying I deflowered her)

Misstep II: Breakfast.
Obviously everyone was hurting from the day before so food was needed. Sadly we picked a place that was slower than shit. I rarely get antsy but this breakfast was killing me. The only thing that helped distract me was an exciting fantasy baseball trade i pulled off (I traded Eric Bedard for Manny Ramirez !") while waiting for our food. (i know ladies, I'm handsome and I have exquisite table manners. The line forms to the left!) This breakfast screwed us up as the Train to the beach was long gone when we were finally done. Waiting for the next train just wasn't going to be an option. Nor was driving. This is when all the pieces began to fall into place. A Doubletree van pulled up to pick up some out-of-towners. While the driver was loading their bags i mozied on over to him and explained that we booked a hotel at the Doubletree in Pacific Beach and had been waiting for our shuttle for quite some time. Sounded like a great idea, but he shot me down real quick with a "there is no Double Tree hotel in Pacific Beach". Man he was good. I'm the worst liar that has walked this earth. That is a fact. Plan B, we offered cash. Done Deal. Pat was even able to book a commitment for a late night return shuttle. This was easier and cheaper than the Coaster and all thanks to the looooooong looong breakfast.

Misstep III: Blindness
We hit our Xanadu and my eyes welled up a bit. It was glorious. It was wall to wall beer pong, flip cup, and corn hole games as far as the eye could see. In hindsight I'm sure my eyes were teary because I didn't wear my glasses and they were cracking under the strain of my self imposed blindness. Fact: I'm legally blind. Couple that w/ some sunglasses and beer and I had about 2 feet of visibility. I managed to stay safe, but my prized adidas headband (lost in the rip-tide) was a causality because of this(...and my t shirt and shorts. Note to self, watch where you're walking in PB! If you're not paying attention, or if you're blind, you could walk right into a mook kool-aid and vodka fight.)

I ended the day headbandless (RIP Headband!) and my shorts covered in red alcohol.

Screw you Kool Aid Man. You smug fucker.

W/ my shirt soaked and covered in sand, my newly re-styled "period pants" and a great buzz going I looked like the patron saint of High Class. Luckily on our way to the bar I hit a store and I was drunkenly able to purchase some new shorts. Of course, true to del form, i fell prey to more "volume sales" (three tees for the price of two. Buy one Hat, Get one Free. Like i said I'm a sucker.) I was back in business and looking like I just entered the Witness Protection Program

Misstep IV: Memory Failure
Building off of the 3rd's hangover and drinking in the sun is obviously going to produce quick results. Instant Shampoo Effect. To be fair, the intake of alcohol was pretty intense. I did manage to avoid all beer bongs and beer shotguns....but I can't say the same for the Jager Shots. My lack of glasses and newly purchased hat did me quite the disservice as well. I was looking (and truthfully feeling) less than sober. During the late rounds of the 4th I walked up to the bar and attempted to order for our group. I'm hardwired to say Miller Lite for myself but I couldn't remember what everyone else wanted...and this is when i made my big mistake. I put my head on the bar to "concentrate". I was instantly greeted with a "That's it, you're cut off" response by the bartender. I picked my head up and said "No no, I was just thinking about the order!". He, of course tired of dealing with crazy drunks all day said "look at you, you can't see straight and you can't think!" I OF COURSE responded back with "I THINK i want my damn drinks!" (note to self, you can not debate bartenders/bouncers. It's comparable to having a debate w/Bihler.
It's a Lost Cause.Does this look like the actions of someone over-served? I don't think so.

Result: No drinks and even worse I was escorted out of the bar. I contemplated explaining that my lack of glasses may have overinflated my drunk appearance. Then again that's just the crazy kind of nonsense you hear drunks spouting off about before they're thrown out so i bit my tongue. I share this damning story because its the third time I've ever been thrown out of a bar in my life. This was the smoothest one by far.

My first time: St Patty's Day 1999
The day started with me getting a car trunk door slammed on my head...and ended with a Group of 8 people threatening to "show me their neighborhood" as i taunted them from a Pizzeria. The real heart of the story is the bar departure. I was in RARE form that day. Super jackass. Before the drinking and before the car trunk attack I had seen the video for "Bittersweet symphony" (you the video where the guy is walking down a crowded street and nonchalantly shoulder blocking strangers). Well drunk del though this was genius and he'd try and ape the video. Needless to say the bar patrons that were on the receiving end of my bony shoulder were less than amused. A ginormous bouncer came over to me and said "We can either do this the easy way or the hard way". In typical del fashion i said "I guess we're doing this the hard way because I'm not moving!".

Big mistake. Nothing is quite as embarrassing as being carried out by a bouncer in a fire man's carry. For added goofiness I toasted people as we passed through the crowd....that is till the other bouncer knocked the beer out of my hand. Good times. I realize I said "nothing is quite as embarrassing but that was a blatant lie. (so maybe i am a good liar after all)....because we're on to #2

My Second Time: Red Rock West 2001
This one I was stone cold sober for. That fact makes this one that much worse. For quite some time my friends and I would hang out at a dirty ass dive bar called "Red Rock West". There was a point when it was truly one of the greatest bars in NYC and we were regulars. I'd go so far as to cut the huge line outside and say to the bouncer "I'm friends with Archangel!". ED NOTE: Archangel was the name of the head bouncer. He was a crazy biker who was most definitely not friends with me and probably would have been furious to know that I used is name on a regular basis.

One nondescript night I joined my friends out at "The Rock" (insert bad sean connery impression there if you feel up to it. I'd say "welcome to the rock" every single time i was there. You'd think it would get old. It never did.) This particular night I was not feeling great so I was actually drinking water. This is not the place to do that. It turns into a wall to wall sweat factory and the only way to stand it is to be drunk. I wasn't. Even worse my friends were, and they were committed to being there till closing. It was gonna be a long night. Luckily this bar had lots of entertainment. Think Coyote Ugly, but a bit seedier. However, along w/ that entertainment came the mooks (present company excluded) . The mooks on this night got under my skin more so than usual. Damn you Sobriety. I was truly set off when they were shoving the girls near me. I didn't know the girls but I, being a stand up guy, turned to the mooks and told them to watch themselves. Of course this led to scuffling. Much to my amusement the mooks got tossed and the girls were smitten w/ their knight in shining armor. I carried on my business thinking I was in control of "The Rock". Than it went all went south. As i mentioned i was drinking water. Out of boredom i took a ice cube out of my cup and hit my friend with it. The next thing i knew there was a flashlight shining on me and a bouncer was cutting through the crowd and headed straight for me. He reached me and asked me to raise my arms. I was dumbfounded by the request but i complied as I assumed maybe he needed to frisk me because i looked like Al qaeda. Wrong. He picked me up by the arm pits and walked me out of the bar. I was carried out of a biker bar like a baby with a dirty diaper. If i wasn't friends with Archangel before I certainly wouldn't be now!

Needless to say my damsel in distress was less than impressed.


Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Se você quiser linkar meu blog no seu eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso. (If you speak English can see the version in English of the Camiseta Personalizada. If he will be possible add my blog in your blogroll I thankful, bye friend).

Jesse said...

you forgot about being banned for life from that bar in Danbury on Sal's 21st birthday

Deltron3030 said...

hmm, well that one was really sal's fault. not mine.

Alaina said...

"It's comparable to having a debate w/Bihler. It's a Lost Cause."

exactly what i was thinking when reading the sentence prior.

Camiseta Personalizada said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Se você quiser linkar meu blog no seu eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso.(If you speak English can see the version in English of the Camiseta Personalizada.If he will be possible add my blog in your blogroll I thankful, bye friend).

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