Monday, August 6, 2007

Baby You're a Lost Cause: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Embrace Alzheimer's

Here's a bit of life lesson for anyone who might not know a thing or two: Drinking a Red Bull and Vodka to start your Hungover Saturday might not be the best of ideas. If you happen to be drinking it at 9am...well that should just about remove all doubt of it being anything but a poor decision.
Lake Arrowhead became my own personal Mosquito Coast.

Now I've had my rough times. You know the type of days and or nights I'm talking about. The next day your first move is to go to your wallet and make sure your ID and Debit card are safe in their designated slots All that's left are a few crumpled dollar bills and some completely foreign credit card receipts ("The Champagne Room!? Again? Really? Damn It").

This was one of those times. Well it happened..and it didn't happen. Let me re-trace the events.

Friday Night: Booze and more booze.
Sat Morning 9am: wake up.
Sat Morning 9:35am: Prepare a heavy on the vodka red bull and vodka
Sat Morning 9:36am: Drunk. A new land speed record for the Shampoo effect
Sat Morning 10am: Mcdonalds breakfast
Sat 10:30am-6pm: Lots of beer and sun. Flipcup and a Monkees tribute band....starring one of the Monkees. (even when I was drunk I realized how stupid that sounded). Somehow near the tail end of our booze cruise I managed to topple head first into the water losing my sunglasses in the process. If that didn't paint you a drunk picture of my state on Saturday we'll try plan actual picture.
R.I.P wristband...and sunglasses

Now lets flash forward to the center of this story. Back at the house I went into my wallet to get my debit card to pay for some pizza. No debit card. Damn it. I had drunkenly lost my debit card. (I've done this twice before in my life. Not a terrible track record). At this point my sole goal was to deactivate the card and find out what the last charge was because clearly some dastardly villain had to have stolen it from me.

The mustache twirling was a dead giveaway.

I had a friend assist me in calling CitiBank to crack the case. Poor Citibank customer service lady. Here is a written transcript (as it was told to me)

Del: "I lost my id"
Citbank: Sir what do you mean your ID?
Del: Card
Citibank: Do you mean your debit card?
Del: yeah my id.
Citbank: um ok. Can you please tell me the last four digits of your social security number
917-892-6819 (note that is my phone #)
Citibank: Sir, are you sure that's your have too many numbers.
Del: I lost my ID..what was the last charge?
Citibank: Sir I cannot look up the transaction till you tell me information that will help me access your account.

Seeing my struggles my friend coached me through the call and I hung up and said "7-10 days" and felt rather responsible. False Pride. I proceeded to stay up with others till 7am drinking whatever was left and having the kind of drunk conversations that seem life altering.

They're not. Good times though.
"Sure you don't want to talk about politics?"

On Sunday I had a soberish flash of memory as i was dying from my first ever bout of alcohol poisoning (self diagnosed). Compounding the sickness was the fact that I was fighting it while on a boat...with people pounding drinks around me. Trapped on the boat I realized that I changed after Mcdonalds. There was a good chance my card was in the pockets and I was just being a drunk jackass. True to form that was exactly the case. Damn It. Why was I such an idiot. There's nothing worse than having to go through all the autopay websites (ESPN Insider, Netflix, countless porn sites, etc) and updating the card info. Seemed like a longshot but I tried calling Citbank back to see if i could "reactivate" my card. One would think this would be a terrible practice for the bank but i had to ask.

Transcript #2 starts NOW:
Del: Hello, I inadvertently reported my card as being lost. Turns out I was just really really drunk. I know its a longshot but is it possible to "reactivate" it.
Citibank: Sir we cannot reactivate cards. Once the card has been flagged as lost...wait sir, it says here the card is still active...
Del: really? that's impossible. I called on Saturday Night and I was told I'd be getting a replacement in 7-10 days.
Citbank: Sir, I have a note here saying you did in fact call on saturday
Del: you see...
Citibank: ...but you weren't speaking english and the request couldn't be processed at that time.
Del: HA...well I guess lucky for me I drank all that jager eh.
Citbank: (chuckles) I suppose so sir. Have a Good day.

Bottom line: I never report losing a debit card I never lost.

Final Lesson: If you're going to drink, make sure you drink to the point where you're unable to do harm to yourself. Liver not Included

Now playing: Muse - Knights Of Cydonia
via FoxyTunes


Stephanie said...

i can hear your slurrrrrs now...and surprisingly i miss them...that is, until the 'life altering convos' turn into you trying to make everyone see your point through said slurrrs...said point being that monkeys in diapers should rule the long as their 'helper' monkeys. nice.

Alexa said...

sounds like that is morning/day/night/morning combo that will not soon be forgotten... or completely remembered.

Agatha said...

that is f'n hilarious! WISH i was there to see it....dang it.


Agatha said...

the dialogue between the citibank operator and you are DRUNK. lol

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