Saturday, August 23, 2008

You''ll Never Measure Up: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Not Getting My Balls Cupped

Let's face facts: I'm lazy. Not in the extreme sense mind you. However, if I can passably take care of something in walking distance from my current location I will ALWAYS take that option over jumping into my car and finding the recommended route. At work I eat at the Lobby Trimanna FAR too often and I get my dry cleaning done from a one eyed Russian who almost always ends up staining my already considerably stained shirts or needs three more days to get me my clothes back. Pretty inconvenient for being "convenient". That said, I'd never consider going anywhere else. He's earned my trust by:

1) being in walking distance
2) always remembering my name (probably because I'm the only sucker dropping off my clothes to him)

Knowing this about me you'll now understand why when it came time for me to send in my measurements for a wedding I have to attend in Baltimore my first stop was this establishment.
I asked Boris to measure me but he said "Wait till tomorrow, the other guy is better. He is tailor. He do better job." I appreciated his honesty and agreed to come back the next day. I trust Boris, I've already established that....but I was a bit apprehensive of the unknown tailor. I'd always seen him in the shop and to me he always looked like Big Fat Bernie Gayle from "Safe Men"

possibly the source of all the stains.

I figured i should give him the benefit of the doubt and let him give it a crack. By "give it a crack" I mean cup my a totally professional manner. The guy started off by saying "in America they measure by inseam....but in my country this is how we do it."

Del: um.........OK
Tailor: I draw pictures...they understand.
Del: (under his breath) Shit

After 10 minutes of my awkward silence and his non nonsensical mutterings I was presented a piece of notebook paper. This was the end result:

40 - 39 1/2? WTF does that mean?

Brest? WTF!?

West? WTF! Is that Vest or Waist? Or is that some Eastern European Hybrid?

I'm screwed. If I get 40" legs I'm going to look like Josh Baskin* after Zoltan granted his wish to go back to being a kid. However if i get 40" minus 39/12 I'll be so much worse off.

I had planned on slipping him a Lincoln ($5) for his efforts...but the results warranted a different kind of Lincoln (either a penny or a "Sic semper tyrannis"). Even still I scanned the measurements and sent them to my buddy in Baltimore which elicited a quick "Are you fucking kidding me reply?". I stood my ground and told him to submit the measurements just to get a reaction from the Baltimore counterpoint. Of course the tux guy there was dumbfounded. Rightfully so. I ended up having to spend a hungover Sunday in Men's Warehouse pretending like I was interested in buying crap so I could get some measurements.

Days later as I was dropping more dry cleaning off (to get stained), my one eyed friend asked how the tux measurements went. This is how the conversation went:

Boris: How did the tux fit?
Del: Oh, well the wedding isn't for awhile...
Boris: Ah, but fitting good...
Del: Actually, don't tell your friend but the guy in Baltimore could not follow the drawings...
Boris: What you mean. It was clear as day?
Del: Um, I don't know, he just said it was hard for him to follow..
Boris: Maybe HE not professional..
Del: Ha ha, yeah...maybe not...
(long awkward pause)
Boris: Here is your dry CLEANING (in all caps to stress his inflection)
Del: Thanks...oh, looks like the elbows are ripped.
Boris: That was like that before.
Del(mutters "crap" under his breath) Uh...OK. See you next time.
Boris: See you later Del

You see, He still recalled the name. You can't put a price on that...and laziness. Part of me wishes I stuck with the original measurements as an ode to Chris Farley. It's not often that my physique can pull of a "fat guy in a little coat" moment. This was my chance. ...and i squandered it!

*Josh Baskin: Don't ever do a yahoo search on "Big".
Also try :
hot fat big girls black, big horse woman hot WTF????


angela said...

ugh...leave it to me to google big horse women hot. ahhhh...i think i've been totally traumatized. why the fuck would anyone find fucking animals arousing?? i'm gonna stick to my trannie porn. good story though.

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