Saved By the Belding: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Beat Valley

I''ve lived in LA for a little over two and 1/2 years now and I've never been particularly star struck. Recently while dropping a friend off at LAX (yeah, it's weird here. You actually drive friends to the airport...) I saw a kick ass dog and after commenting to my friend about said dog i noticed it was being walked by Dustin Hoffman. He was sporting a "Why the fuck are you looking at my dog and not me?" face. Answer: "Meet The Fockers".

Llike I said I'm rarely star struck. Last week seeing Justine Bateman, looking haggard and angry, at Pico Bowl did nothing for me. She was no longer Mallory. I no longer cared. I have to say rarely instead of never though because I was awestruck by the bright shining star that is Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr. Belding. How did I come to meet him? I'm glad you asked. It started with this dialogue:

Roommate: What are you doing?
Del: Reading at Homeless park. Why?
Roommate: Mr Belvedere is going to be @ the Loop (dive bar near my apt) @ 1pm for some student film shoot!
Del: Nice. (breaks into a Mr Belvedere impression) Weeesleeey, take off your shirt and pants so I can start the laundry!”
Del: …wait, he’s dead.
Roommate: I meant Mr Belding
Del: FUCK YEAH! I’ll be right there!

Would I have dropped everything for Mr. Belvedere? Probably not. Richie Belding? Abso-fucking-lutely. We have history. Allow me to explain. I once had Mr Belding call my girlfriend at the time on her birthday. He was a pro's pro. Although, I do recall one of his pre-set rules was that he got to call himself "Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr Belding" instead of just "Mr Belding". I wasn't pleased about that, but I wasn't about to switch my order to Horseshack. You know that douche would eagerly sit by the phone, totally willing to be called "Fucking piece of shit Horseshack" if it meant another Ajax in his wallet. Knowing this now you can imagine my child like glee as I packed up my belongings from Homeless Park and headed down to The Loop.

I went to the bar, drank, and awaited the arrival of TBS rerun's golden god. He arrived and it was not a letdown. (Unlike the time I met Keith Hernandez as a kid. Thank you for crushing my dreams, Keith). Dennis (Mr Belding), Pat, and I had drinks, watched college football (quite knowledgeable on the subject), and played Erotic Photo Hunt.

Mind you He was there to shoot a "Student film" and we were supposed to be nondescript bar flies (typecasting). Much to the chagrin of the director, Belding was more concerned w/ Erotic Photo hunt than the video shoot. We were reprimanded for making too much noise with the game on a “hot set". One of the director's bitch boys came over and told us that the games noises* were interfering in every take so we were told to leave it alone. Mr Belding couldn't leave it be. As I tried to respect the set he tapped me on the shoulder while the game clock was ticking down and gave me the “Should i?” face as he pointed at the hint button. How could I say no? I gave him the head nod approval and then had to put my head on the bar to muffle my laughter. Sadly i did not have my flip mino for that glorious moment. Imagine, if you will, having a video capture of Mr Belding asking permission to use the hint lifeline for an erotic photohunt of a woman spread eagle on a boat (very tasteful) all while he was supposed to be walking into the scene of the shot delivering his lines. Viral video indeed.

Thank you Lincoln Boulevard for making my dreams come true.

Speaking of viral: After his scenes were done we went outside so people could take pictures with him. Belding, the sly dog that he is, got this girl to act as a real life photo hunt model. Being the Big Bopper he pushed the limits and asked for her number...which she gave him. Well played. After that I went back into the bar and not two seconds later the girl came hysterically running back into the bar . Sans tears mind you. More in the "hysterical, please give me attention" vein. Apparently Belding had leaned in and Pearl Harbored her lips with his Taco Bell lovin mouth. She never saw it coming and feared that he had given her herpes. I was kind enough to calm her nerves by zooming in the pics on my camera and matter-of-factly stating my concerns over some questionable sores on the left side. She was not amused. She proceeded to soak her lips in sake in a futile effort to fend off the The Herp. Alcohol kills germs and brain cells.

Drink responsibly, people. Unless of course an old Saturday morning star gives you herpes, chlamydia , or the clap. If this happens, cover yourself in sake from head to toe.

*noises: The game makes all sorts of moaning noises as you make right and wrong selections which obviously made me laugh even more throughout the process.

Saturdaze: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Misc Thoughts

WHOLE FOODS:

Whole Foods, I don’t care for your antics one bit. You are the Urth Cafe of super markets. I'm not impressed with your wide variety of micro brews and fine cheeses. My money goes to Von’s every time. With that said I do appreciate your efforts to class up the Lincoln/Rose Intersection. If only this beautiful mural was around that night I got lost in Venice. It would have been a grand landmark that maybe would have helped me avoid following my “spirit guide”. A long story of shame that shall not be shared here at this time.

PIZZA HUT:

While waiting for playoff football to start I saw a commercial for Pizza Hut. In this commercial they did the ol’ Folger’s Crystals bait and switch move. Everyone was popping boners over some craptastic “multi grain” pizza that had allegedly been hand prepared by some woman. You know how the rest goes...

Now the truly disturbing part was after the big reveal they touted the great ingredients w/ included “all natural pepperoni”. WTF Pizza Hut! What was I eating before?

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER:

If I've learned one thing from my DVR and "How I Met Your Mother" it is that I can expect my voice to change for a second time as I get older. Hopefully I’ll get a sweet James Earl Jones or creepy Gary Busey voice instead of a lame Bob Saget one. I think HIMYM also taught me that I can be hilarious for 25 minutes and then do a quick 180 and suck for five minutes and no one will hold it against me.



SUNSHINE CLEANING:

I just recently saw the trailer and i have to say a smartly edited trailer mixed with a great song makes me an easy sell.

• Trailer 1 = a movie I'd wait to Netflix.
• Trailer 2 = A movie i would definitely go check out. Great use of the Decemberists.

Good work trailer #2 editor.

trailer 1:



Trailer 2:

R.I.F: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Become a Card Carrying Old Person

Borders is having a kick ass 40% off of EVERYTHING sale. Sadly I was late to the scene and it was slim pickings. I missed out on all the sweet stuff and because of this I almost talked myself into buying The Freaks and Geeks Year Book Edition Boxed Set. Even at 40% off it was still ridiculously overpriced. After far too many hours of hunting and gathering I grabbed the last copy of the new Klosterman and the new collection of Stephen King short stories and hit the register where I had to listen to the check out douche scoff at my Stephen King selection. No wonder the Borders ship was sinking. Super overpriced merchandise mixed w/ surly judgmental register monkeys is a kick ass business model. Dicks. Border's, you reap what you sow!

Mark my words, as of today I vow to not buy a book for awhile and Border's wasn't the only deciding factor. You see times are tough my friends and I've recently* joined that less than exclusive club, the unemployed. Today after going to my local Citibank to deposit (I still can't believe I'm typing the words) my unemployment check I crossed the street and headed over to the Santa Monica Public Library. Yep, it's come to that. Truth be told I usually buy a book, read it, and then pass it to someone else with the instructions for them to do the same when they are done. This system has served me well my whole life as I never once (blatant lie*) have felt the urge to re-read a book. There's so much content out there, why re-read? Anyway, I'm guessing I haven't been to a public library in at least four years. What better time than now?

I have to admit I found the Santa Monica library a bit overwhelming, what with the over abundance of old people stock piling DVDs. Hey old people, the jig is up. We know you're all still rocking VHS tapes and no matter how many DVDs you "rent" your children will not enjoy visiting you. It's just the way it is. Accept it. I have.

As I mentioned earlier I haven't been to a library in quite some time and because of this I walked around the library like an unfrozen caveman. Everything shocked and confused me. I really had no plan of attack until I recalled I had wanted to purchase "Love is a Mix tape". At that point I stopped dead in my tracks and did a 360 to see if I could sniff out where the non fiction music section was. I'm guessing one of the staffers saw me because she came running over and offered her assistance. I told her I knew the author's name and the title of the book and I'd have no problem tracking the book down at which point she gave me a "bless his heart" face and suggested we track down the exact dewy decimal #. After tracking down the stack slot and finding out that the copy was missing she walked me over to her desk where she put a hold on the book...and get this they will email me when the book arrives. What a brave new world we live in. After being told that this was common place for years I felt stupid and old. Karma perhaps? I really should have went over to the elderly couple renting seasons one through three of "Mad About You" and apologized for silently judging them...but I didn't. I loath old people.

I know you do too.

What have we learned today? Reading is fundamental and if your local library carries the Freaks and Geeks boxed set let me know...because Santa Monica doesn't. I'll trade you some "Mad About You". Oh, we also learned that I'll be seeing that Stephen King hating fool on the unemployment line real soon. We'll see if he is such a big talker when he's not behind his slightly elevated above ground level check out counter.

*blatant lie - I had to repurchase Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs as I wanted to read it again. Of course the jackass that I am, I lent out the second copy. No clue where it is now.

* recently - That's for you, Meredith.