Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Saved By the Belding: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Beat Valley

I''ve lived in LA for a little over two and 1/2 years now and I've never been particularly star struck. Recently while dropping a friend off at LAX (yeah, it's weird here. You actually drive friends to the airport...) I saw a kick ass dog and after commenting to my friend about said dog i noticed it was being walked by Dustin Hoffman. He was sporting a "Why the fuck are you looking at my dog and not me?" face. Answer: "Meet The Fockers".

Llike I said I'm rarely star struck. Last week seeing Justine Bateman, looking haggard and angry, at Pico Bowl did nothing for me. She was no longer Mallory. I no longer cared. I have to say rarely instead of never though because I was awestruck by the bright shining star that is Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr. Belding. How did I come to meet him? I'm glad you asked. It started with this dialogue:

Roommate: What are you doing?
Del: Reading at Homeless park. Why?
Roommate: Mr Belvedere is going to be @ the Loop (dive bar near my apt) @ 1pm for some student film shoot!
Del: Nice. (breaks into a Mr Belvedere impression) Weeesleeey, take off your shirt and pants so I can start the laundry!”
Del: …wait, he’s dead.
Roommate: I meant Mr Belding
Del: FUCK YEAH! I’ll be right there!

Would I have dropped everything for Mr. Belvedere? Probably not. Richie Belding? Abso-fucking-lutely. We have history. Allow me to explain. I once had Mr Belding call my girlfriend at the time on her birthday. He was a pro's pro. Although, I do recall one of his pre-set rules was that he got to call himself "Dennis Haskins, TV's Mr Belding" instead of just "Mr Belding". I wasn't pleased about that, but I wasn't about to switch my order to Horseshack. You know that douche would eagerly sit by the phone, totally willing to be called "Fucking piece of shit Horseshack" if it meant another Ajax in his wallet. Knowing this now you can imagine my child like glee as I packed up my belongings from Homeless Park and headed down to The Loop.

I went to the bar, drank, and awaited the arrival of TBS rerun's golden god. He arrived and it was not a letdown. (Unlike the time I met Keith Hernandez as a kid. Thank you for crushing my dreams, Keith). Dennis (Mr Belding), Pat, and I had drinks, watched college football (quite knowledgeable on the subject), and played Erotic Photo Hunt.

Mind you He was there to shoot a "Student film" and we were supposed to be nondescript bar flies (typecasting). Much to the chagrin of the director, Belding was more concerned w/ Erotic Photo hunt than the video shoot. We were reprimanded for making too much noise with the game on a “hot set". One of the director's bitch boys came over and told us that the games noises* were interfering in every take so we were told to leave it alone. Mr Belding couldn't leave it be. As I tried to respect the set he tapped me on the shoulder while the game clock was ticking down and gave me the “Should i?” face as he pointed at the hint button. How could I say no? I gave him the head nod approval and then had to put my head on the bar to muffle my laughter. Sadly i did not have my flip mino for that glorious moment. Imagine, if you will, having a video capture of Mr Belding asking permission to use the hint lifeline for an erotic photohunt of a woman spread eagle on a boat (very tasteful) all while he was supposed to be walking into the scene of the shot delivering his lines. Viral video indeed.

Thank you Lincoln Boulevard for making my dreams come true.

Speaking of viral: After his scenes were done we went outside so people could take pictures with him. Belding, the sly dog that he is, got this girl to act as a real life photo hunt model. Being the Big Bopper he pushed the limits and asked for her number...which she gave him. Well played. After that I went back into the bar and not two seconds later the girl came hysterically running back into the bar . Sans tears mind you. More in the "hysterical, please give me attention" vein. Apparently Belding had leaned in and Pearl Harbored her lips with his Taco Bell lovin mouth. She never saw it coming and feared that he had given her herpes. I was kind enough to calm her nerves by zooming in the pics on my camera and matter-of-factly stating my concerns over some questionable sores on the left side. She was not amused. She proceeded to soak her lips in sake in a futile effort to fend off the The Herp. Alcohol kills germs and brain cells.

Drink responsibly, people. Unless of course an old Saturday morning star gives you herpes, chlamydia , or the clap. If this happens, cover yourself in sake from head to toe.

*noises: The game makes all sorts of moaning noises as you make right and wrong selections which obviously made me laugh even more throughout the process.


Heathcliff Slocomb said...

Did you go in with any...

"What ever happened to Rod and the stewardess?" or "Did you ever bang Kelly K a la Carol Brady/Greg Brady?" type questions?

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